A STICKY MESS
The early departures of Gareth Barry (groin-gah), John Stones (stomach-ouch), Ramiro Funes Mori (brain-knack) and several hundred supporters (patience-snap) were not the most significant from an Everton perspective at Anfield last night. As the goals rained in and manager Bobby Martínez pondered how best to put a positive spin on the horror-show unfolding on the hallowed sward, it was noted that one of his blazered-up bosses left the Anfield directors’ box with more than half an hour, one goal and 219 Liverpool shots on target, to go. And while it may have been the same dodgy burger that curtailed Stones’s evening that prompted Jon Woods to rush from his seat, the Fiver is prepared to speculate that it may have been the risible performance of Everton’s players in a Merseyside derby that had him rushing for the exit looking a little queasy.
Always a man to look for the silver lining in any cloud, no matter how black, Martínez can at least console himself with the fact that Woods might still think Everton only lost 3-0 and remains unaware that mounting knack and suspensions mean they’ll be forced to field a back four comprising of Tony Hibbert, Sir Paul McCartney and two of Antony Gormley’s cast iron Another Place statues from Crosby beach in their FA Cup semi-final against Manchester United. “It was a pretty shocking night,” said Martínez, who along with his players was jeered off the pitch by those Everton fans who had not yet left by the final whistle. “We need to forget this showing as quickly as we can.”
Whether or not Martínez will be allowed to forget this showing by supporters who are growing increasingly sick of a team that could never defend and is looking increasingly toothless in attack remains to be seen.
While Romelu Lukaku was on the field and touched the ball on at least one occasion, the presence of the £30m striker up front looked to be the equivalent of a Rolls Royce Spirit of Ecstasy statuette bolted on to the bonnet of a 15-year-old Alfa Romeo. Having explained two days ago that Everton’s players “understand the frustration of the fans”, Everton’s Argentinian defender Funes Mori proceeded to take it out on Liverpool striker Divock Origi. The forward went to ground clutching an ankle he’s lucky wasn’t broken, while the bozo who tried to maim him walked off repeatedly clutching his badge. As shows of loyalty go, it was comically inept … but not much more so than those of his team-mates.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I can’t think of a better place to be than Newcastle United. Rafa has been at Liverpool, he understands what passionate football is all about, and it would be a great opportunity for him [to stay on]. They might even say to him: ‘if you stay, you can still do the [Spain job] part-time’. That might be something they put into their heads” – John Carver, ladies and gentlemen.
QUOTE OF THE DAY TWO
“Pressure makes diamonds” – chilled out entertainer Nigel Adkins uses his Blades press conference to trial his new Brendan Rodgers impersonation.
FIVER LETTERS
“Regarding yesterday’s letter from Michael Hann about Andy Carroll’s full pelt, I’d just like to say I think it would make a particularly nice fireside rug” – Miles Stroganoff.
“Long-time reader, many-time letter writer – I have a great deal of interest in English leagues, particularly the EPL and still much of your tea-timely email is of little interest to me – I am not sure what Jed (yesterday’s letters) was getting at to be honest” – Graham Haslam.
“The new layout is fine, if I view it in the browser that is, but it is getting pretty irritating having to do that every time I read the fiver (Fiver letters passim). And this bunch of red xs is not on. If I wanted to read about xs, I would be on Guardian Soulmates”– Gavin Simmonds.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Miles Stoganoff.
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BITS AND BOBS
Former Sheffield United footballer Ched Evans has won an appeal against his conviction for rape and faces a retrial.
Andy Townsend has driven his Tactics Truck to Bolton, where he will work as a consultant, perhaps advising on such matters as how to stop a shot with swazz on it, when wingers should literally explode down the line and, if anything Clive, how Bolton have gone down almost too easily.
He managed to keep His clothes on when He sent out an Instagram post to relieve fears that He had twanged His right hamstring during Real Madrid’s 3-0 stroll against Villarreal. “All good. Thanks for your support,” He cheered.
Mats Hummells is likely to do one from Borussia Dortmund at the end of the season if only to get a decent night’s kip. “It’s a very difficult decision, and when I finally make it people will understand how hard it is for me,” he yawned. “It’s been taking me at least half an hour extra to fall asleep for several weeks now because this is such a big issue for me.”
Manchester City still want Aymeric Laporte to be one of Pep’s first signings despite the Athletic Bilbao centre-half being ruled out until August with broken leg-knack.
Stoke’s rebranding continues apace. Teams will no longer get biffed into submission at the Britannia but taken to the cleaners at the Bet365 Stadium, after the club agreed a six-year naming rights deal and seating expansion to take capacity over 30,000.
And Barça brought their big guns out in an attempt to breathe life into a dull presentation about the Camp Nou’s redevelopment by making them lay hands on a ball, SpaceJam-style.
STILL WANT MORE?
Floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson on the dying art of squad rotation. It’s a good’un, made better by the inevitable Arrigo Sacchi quote about half-way down.
And they say romance is dead: Francesco Totti, 87, came off the bench last night, scored two goals in two minutes with his first two touches to give his beloved Roma a 3-2 win over Torino. Big Website’s resident Italophile, Paolo Bandini, starts the love-in.
Barcelona have finally won a football match! Read all about that (and bonus Fernando Torres chat) with Sid Lowe.
Sebastian Giovinco chews the beef with Josh Kloke about getting into Italy’s Euro 2016 squad, the USA! USA!! USA!!! and why he “doesn’t care if he is the face of MLS or not.”
What do scouts look for in young players, and why are they not more venerated, asks Richard Foster.
Dear Arsenal. Mind the gap. From Tottenham. David Hytner picks the bones out of the mess at the Emirates.
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