Age: 724 years
Appearance: La-di-dah
Pronunciation guide: ORLT-ring-um
Not ORLT-RINCH-um? Heavens, no. Unless you want to sound like an ignorant peasant.
It's rare that I'm given the choice. So what is an Altrincham? It's a market town in the north of England. Historically part of Cheshire, it is now one of Greater Manchester's leafiest southern suburbs.
In the sense that there are a great many trees, bushes, shrubs etc? Partly in that sense. But mainly in the sense that Altrincham is rather posh. "The immediate population is made up of an exceptionally high number of professionals, captains of industry and homeowners," says the town's website. "The prosperity of the town and its inhabitants are such as to make it almost unparalleled outside the southeast."
So they keep their ferrets down their butlers' trousers? Yes. Or in little Mulberry ferret bags. They also pay £2,227 per square metre for their houses, according to the Halifax, which is the highest price of anywhere in Britain apart from the south of England.
By eck! That compares with £2,214 in Edinburgh, £2,189 in Solihull or £2,144 in Leamington Spa.
What is it that makes Altrincham so popular? Oh, you know. It's a mixture of things. Posh shops, nice houses, good schools, bit of countryside. Close to the airport, but not too close. Plus it's only a short distance from Manchester, and various other places where there are football teams …
Footballers! I knew it! So footballers live there? Some do, yes. It's part of the fancy bit of Cheshire that they favour.
Well, with all that going for it, the place must be about as expensive as London. Let's not get carried away. The average price per square metre in Altrincham is still less than half the cost of buying a house in Hackney (£5,418), Southwark (£5,111) or Lambeth (£5,108). Those three boroughs contain some of London's most squalid bits of inner city, yet they are still among the 10 most expensive places in the country.
Oh. And in Kensington and Chelsea, the most expensive place of all, it's £10,854.
Is it just me, or do you think there might be a bit of a gap opening up between the southeast and the rest of the country? That has been noticed.
Do say: Where's there's muck there's brass.
Don't say: And where there's footballers there's muck.
