The first round of the NFL draft is over, meaning it’s time for some draft grades. Unfortunately, none of the players selected have played any games since last night ended, so there’s not a lot of evidence available to grade the teams. Instead, let’s evaluate how everyone else did in Chicago.
Chip Kelly - Grade: F
The final hours before the draft were full of reports that Chip Kelly was attempting to move up to No2 to take Marcus Mariota and then, when that wasn’t working, jump all the way to No1 to take his most beloved. The NFL Network’s Ian Rapoport reported Kelly offered a huge package full of picks and starters in order to grab the Heisman winner.
What package are #Eagles talking about to go to No. 1 or No. 2? Two 1st rounders, a 3rd rounder, Fletcher Cox, Boykin, Kendricks, more. Wow.
— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) April 30, 2015
Other reports say Sam Bradford was included in the offer.
Maybe the Titans were insane to turn down a trade package that big. But if that’s true, it also means Kelly was insane to offer that much for a rookie quarterback – a species that is far from a sure thing – when he already gave up a 2015 fourth-rounder and a second-round pick in 2016 to get Sam Bradford back in March. Had the deal gone through, Kelly would have mortgaged the future on Mariota with little to no resources left to put any players around him. Now without the deal, Kelly’s future hinges on some mix of Sam Bradford, Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow. Neither scenario seems like one conceived of by an unmatched football genius.
Of course, since the opening night of the draft ended, Kelly has insisted all the trade package details were false, telling Philadelphia Magazine: “We didn’t offer any players to anybody. We didn’t get into any discussions. It was just a really steep price.” Oh. But not long ago, Kelly told anyone who listened that he had no intention of moving up to take Mariota and that he was perfectly pleased with Bradford. So let his comments after round one serve as another reminder that nothing Kelly ever says to the media is even in the ballpark of truth. We have to respect that, at least.
So what have we learned? Three things. One, it turns out Chip Kelly is not a genius mastermind who controls the rest of the NFL like marionette puppets. Two, after months of roster changes, the Eagles are probably worse than they were last year and are a near-disaster at the quarterback position. Three, just because Mariota didn’t go to the Titans in the draft, don’t think that’s the end of the story. There will be YEARS of speculation that Kelly will trade for him (assuming Kelly stays employed by the Eagles for years). And if the Rapoport-reported package didn’t get Mariota, imagine what a deal that would land him might include. First-born sons would be involved.
Oh, there’s one other thing we learned: Chip Kelly’s next conversation with Bradford is going to be really awkward. “Not at all, buddy! I totally think you’re great! I didn’t have any interest in trading for that Marcus guy. Crying? No, I’m not crying, Sam. It’s just ... uh ... allergy season. Yeah. And I’m just so overjoyed to have you as my quarterback and not the talented kid who would be perfect for my system. Yeah, man. Yeah.”
Marcus Mariota - Grade: B
Mariota won’t get to play in an Eagles system that is designed for him, meaning he’ll have to fully adjust to running a pro-style offense with the Titans. But it will be much easier for him to develop and go through growing pains in the forgotten NFL wasteland of Tennessee than in Philadelphia, where every training camp pass would have been analyzed and debated. The only reason Mariota doesn’t get an A grade is because Kelly’s continued pursuit of him will most definitely hang over him as a Titan. It’s probably time for the Heisman winner to give his old coach a call and say: “I appreciate your continued interest, but it’s over now. I don’t want this to get weird. Let me live my life. We can still be friends.”
Jameis Winston - Grade: C
Despite accusations, crab legs and yelling viral catchphrases in the student union, Jameis Winston still went No1 overall to the Buccaneers. It really shows America’s ability to forgive and/or sports teams willingness to overlook pretty much anything as long as a player is really talented. It was such a good night for Winston that he put this up on Instagram.
Jameis Winston celebrates being #1 pick with crab Legs http://t.co/VwxCpEUq1b pic.twitter.com/u5XAxnICKM
— Bud Elliott (@TomahawkNation) May 1, 2015
Even the girl behind him is like: “Wait. Are you serious right now?” And this picture is why Winston gets a C. It’s a litmus test for your perception of the guy. If you see him as a fun-loving young guy who deserves more chances, this picture is an A+ troll move. If you see him as immature, entitled and unwilling to learn from his mistakes, this picture just reinforces all of that and is an F. So A+ and F averages out to this C grade. That’s basic football analytics.
Roger Goodell - Grade: B
Sure, Roger Goodell somehow botched Marcus Mariota’s name, but it’s hard to know the name of one of the most talked about players in the draft when every day you do ... whatever it is Goodell does to earn his $40m-plus annual salary.
So why the B-grade? It’s a B relative to Goodell and Goodell only. Despite saying “Mariotto,” getting booed all night and giving firm handshakes to players he will now use all of his powers to undermine, he didn’t do anything during the first round to further destroy the credibility of the NFL. So it was an above-average day for him. Good job, Rog!
Punchlines - Grade: F
The traditional draft night punchlines, the Jets, Raiders and Browns, really disappointed. The Jets got lucky when USC defensive tackle Leonard Williams fell to them at No6. The Raiders landed the top wide receiver prospect in Amari Cooper at No4. And the Browns went safe and solid with their two first rounders, taking a defensive tackle and a center, with nary a homeless man consulted. What’s the deal, guys? We rely on your for laughs and then you go and make sound football decisions. Come on. Please revert back to being jokes immediately. Thank you.
Indianapolis Colts - Grade: D
At the risk of giving an actual draft grade, let’s give an actual draft grade: the Colts get a D for taking another wide receiver in the first round. Indianapolis already has TY Hilton, Andre Johnson and Donte Moncrief, as well as the type of quarterback who supposedly is good enough to make any receiver produce. So why use the 29th pick on Miami receiver Phillip Dorsett when they need help in other areas, including the minor football detail called “defense”? Maybe the Colts plan to take a page out of the playbook of their longtime nemesis Bill Belichick and have their wide receivers also play some defensive back. It’s worth a shot.
Running Backs - Grade: A+
Two running backs went early in the first round: Todd Gurley to the Rams at No10 and Melvin Gordon to the Chargers at 15. So maybe Trent Richardson didn’t forever scare NFL teams away from drafting running backs early. His legacy will have to be something else now.
Yes, it was definitely a great night for running backs. But not all running backs.
UPDATE: After tweeting "Yikes" to the Gurley pick, Zac Stacy has requested trade, team open to it (via @AdamSchefter) pic.twitter.com/tpjtXzZtss
— 120 Sports (@120Sports) May 1, 2015
Recreational Drug Use - Grade: A
It was revealed on Monday that Missouri defensive end Shane Ray had been cited for marijuana possession in Columbia, Missouri. The tsking and speculation about how far he would fall in the draft began immediately. And how far did he fall in the draft? Not at all. Zero. None. The Broncos actually traded up to take him at No23. So unconcerned are teams about players smoking pot that a team based in a state with legal weed TRADED UP TO GET HIM. Thankfully, we’re probably just a few years away from marijuana being legal throughout the United States, which will allow NFL teams and the media to stop fake-caring about it.
Drama - Grade: F
No dramatic Eagles trades, no homeless men making decisions for the Browns, not even any speculation that Jerry Jones would force his underlings to trade for Johnny Manziel. Boring. Hopefully rounds two through seven will be a lot more entertaining. (Haha. As though I’m going to watch six more rounds of the draft. I have way more important things to do in my exciting life. I’ll likely only watch five of the remaining six rounds.)
Chicago - Grade: A
The good people of Chicago booed Roger Goodell at every opportunity. They cheered when Kevin White went to the Bears at No7. They cheered some more when Chicago product and Duke guard Laken Tomlinson went to the Lions at No28. The city even put its own stamp on the draft by moving it outside and under a pavilion. Believe it or not, it turns out that cities other than New York City can handle the reading of player names into a microphone. And people say America isn’t great anymore.
