TUNNEL VISION
Often in life we’re asked to choose between the cerebral and the physical. That could be in a romantic partner, a genre of film or telling Richard O’Brien what task we want to do in the Crystal Maze. Whatever the walk of life, the choice is usually stark. It’s one or the other. Even sometimes with your football manager. But in Arsène Wenger, Arsenal have got themselves a manager who can manage both.
It seems that it’s not only the books that Le Professeur can hit, as an unsuspecting fourth official found out on Sunday when the brawny Wenger appeared unwilling to be ushered away from the touchline, after vociferous protests against what turned out to be a correct decision. Muscleman Arsène flexed and shoved the symbol of his oppression out of the way in a manner that would make anyone who just wants a tough guy in their life come over all unnecessary. A shove! A push! You might even call it a mild jostle! Oh Arsène, we had no idea you could conquer the physical world as well as the mental one.
We saw everything, thanks to the wonder of television, but in a world where obvious things can be denied and explained away despite all evidence to the contrary (such as this guy from the Fast Show), Beefcake Wenger begged to differ. “No, no, no,” he alternative facted, when asked if he had pushed the official, Anthony Taylor – who, as an aside, used to be a prison guard. “I just went in and watched the game here after. I thought I could stay in the corridor.”
As is their wont, FA suits moved quickly and decisively to charge Hulk Wenger with misconduct for alleged use of “abusive and/or insulting words” and “making physical contact with the fourth official”. However, at least he did regret starting the whole affair. “I regret everything,” he mea culpa-ed. “I should have shut up and gone in and gone home, basically. I apologise for that. There’s nothing bad. I said something you hear everyday in football but nine times out of 10 you’re not sent to the stand for that. But if I am, I am and I should have shut up completely.”
Former referee and current gob-for-hire Keith Hackett wasn’t at all impressed with Wenger or his apologies, though. “What I would like to see as an absolute minimum is a six-game ban,” he harrumphed. “But a far more severe punishment than simply being banished from the touchline. Instead, I would like to see Wenger barred from any contact with his team once inside the stadium.” Alas, Mr Hackett could not be reached on the subject of whether Wenger should also be sent to his room without any tea.
Still, perhaps we shouldn’t be quite so surprised that Wenger got physical, even if he does look like the world’s most unconvincing fighter. After all, in the past he has offered a square go with Martin Jol, Alan Pardew and that water bottle. Maybe when your team disappoints you as often as Arsenal do, then 20 years of frustration is inevitably going to spill over into some fisticuffs. Anyway, we’re off to get Wenger signed up for the UFC. Wenger v Conor McGregor, alternate rounds of fighting and quizzes about Proust. It’ll be the pay-per-view event of the century.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I just wanted to stop the pain and stop everything. I never wanted to come back. I didn’t want to play for Chelsea either because I blamed them for it, even though it wasn’t [their fault]” – Sam Hutchinson, who retired in 2010, aged 21, overcame a knee injury and depression and is now probably Sheffield Wednesday’s best player. Cracking interview by Nick Miller, this.
FIVER LETTERS
“Will Tottenham’s new cheese lounge [Friday’s Fiver} also serve lasagne?” – Dan Davis.
“A couple of years back I found myself in the directors’ box at Aston Villa, where they pride themselves on a good bit of gastrofooty. Interestingly the exceptional standard of the food (and a few bottles of quite fine claret) managed to compensate for the football, which resembled a dirty lamb doner laying discarded on the pavement at 3am, which also happens to be where my brother’s match-day programme ended up after Deadly Doug refused to sign it” – Ben Savage.
“More inane commentary from the weekend. Whenever a large striker (Benteke, Carroll, etc) jumps for a ball, he “rises majestically.” Really? I’ve never seen Elizabeth, Philip, Charles, or anyone else in the family go up for a well-hit corner. And I have no idea how they keep crowns and tiaras on their – oh, never mind …” – Mike Wilner.
“We have passed the halfway stage of the season so now it is time for the most ludicrous phrase ever dragged into the English language to be bandied about - “the six pointer”. All teams play each other twice in a season for three points a throw or maybe only one each. How can anyone justify such crass reporting and the conflagration of mathematics” – Peter Clarke.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Dan Davis.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Good news: Ryan Mason is conscious following his surgery on a fractured skull, sustained against Chelsea, and has been talking to his family, Hull City captain Michael Dawson and a few club suits in hospital, where he will remain under observation. “Ryan has been speaking of the incident yesterday and will continue to be monitored at the hospital over the coming days,” read a statement.
AIK’s 17-year-old wonderkid Alexander Isak is now Borussia Dortmund’s 17-year-old wonderkid Alexander Isak after the Bundesliga side let down Real Madrid’s tyres and hurriedly delivered €10m (£8.65m) in cold, hard cash to the Stockholm club.
Tim Farron, the leader of the Liberal Democrats, has led calls for the compulsory purchase of Millwall’s land around The Den to be abandoned after revelations in the Guardian about the handling of the scheme.
Oh, and just in case you haven’t seen it yet: here’s Sir Rod Stewart, adorned in a leopard-patterned scarf, acting up during the Scottish Cup fifth-round draw. Worth a watch.
STILL WANT MORE?
Nothing else to do at the end of your Monday but check the movers and schmoozers in our snazzy transfer interactive, where you can sign up for notifications for the latest news.
10 talking points – count ‘em – on the weekend’s Premier League hoo-ha.
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Paolo Bandini begins his Serie A weekly blog with Diego Maradona dissing Pelé, which is reason enough for you to read it, even before you get to the Napoli-Scudetto chat.
If Marseille want to show ambition by splashing big bucks then Dimitri Payet’s not the answer, it says here.
RB Leipzig are not letting up just yet, warns Andy Brassell, as Ralph Hasenhüttl’s Marmite side keep pace with Bayern Munich in the Bundesliga.
How on earth did South Africa and Nigeria, Africa’s richest nations, miss out on this year’s tournament in Gabon, wonders Gerardo Chapa.
Nottingham Forest fans fear Ben Osborn could be the next Karl Darlow, Jamaal Lascelles, Oliver Burke, Michail Antonio etc.
England-born striker Dom Dwyer could be the next big thing for USA! USA!! USA!!!, asks Chris Young.
The Dozen, for all your snazzy football photo needs.
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