The approach of Valentine’s Day means we are heading into the annual silly season, although some might argue that in Thailand it is the silly season all year round. Valentine’s is admittedly one of the most spurious celebrations of the calendar, which probably explains why it becomes more popular here every year. However, it serves as a desperately needed break from the daily diet of depressing news.
No doubt we will be treated to the usual mass underwater weddings in Trang, tying the knot aboard elephants in Chiang Mai and couples getting married while dangling upside down after a bungee jump. To each their own.
A few years ago, Pattaya hosted a marathon kissing contest in which a Thai couple stuck at it for more than 46 hours to break the world record. In a kingdom which officially frowns on public kissing, it seemed a curious choice of contest. However, considering nothing is frowned upon in Pattaya — with the possible exception of bridge-players — it didn’t really matter. One lady fainted after just 30 minutes of snogging, which was probably the best fate that could have befallen her.
In 2014, Pattaya decided a hugging competition was more refined than kissing. It attracted over 30 couples, 26 of whom broke the world record, lasting an auspicious 26 hours 26 minutes and 26 seconds. Judging from the looks of the couples, their biggest challenge was boredom. Not even a smartphone for company … it must have been torture.
Pet peeves
For some reason they have to drag animals into Valentine’s Day stunts. Back in 1996, Thailand hosted the most expensive pet wedding ever, featuring two cats, Phet and Ploy, and a dowry of 500,000 baht. According to CNN, a parrot was best man and an iguana the maid of honour. The best man’s speech would have been interesting.
In the Year of the Rabbit, seven pairs of bunnies were married off in a solemn ceremony in Chiang Mai, while the Year of the Monkey prompted Songkhla zoo to come up with a wedding for two orangutans, Nancy and Suriya. They were actually quite a handsome couple, although both could have done with a haircut.
This time it’s Year of the Dog. You can bet that some “paw canines ” are in for a “ruff time” and may even be forced to offer their “hound in marriage” . Sorry about that, but it is the silly season, or maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree. Almost certainly we will be treated to the song Puppy Love.
Germ warfare
Kissing is not the healthiest of pastimes. One suspects the couples in Pattaya were not familiar with the Bobbie Gentry-Dionne Warwick song I'll Never Fall In Love Again which contains the thought-provoking lyrics:
What do you get when you kiss a guy?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia
After you do he'll never phone ya
I'll never fall in love again.
That rhyming of "pneumonia" and "phone ya" by legendary songwriters Burt Bacharach and his lyricist Hal David is sheer poetry. The message is clear for marathon kissers. When your partner starts dribbling you are in trouble. And when you can taste what she or he had for dinner the previous night it's definitely time to stop.
Taste of romance
Keeping to the poetic mood here is a tender tale entitled First Kiss by Walter McCorrisken, billed as Scotland's worst-ever poet for reasons which will become clear.
Ah kissed her shyly on the mouth
Tasted nectar on her lips
A taste between a chocolate Flake
And my favourite French fried chips
The poem rambles on, suffice to say that after the gentleman's tongue encounters the lady's tonsils and a forgotten "tattie crisp", he is faced with an agonising moral dilemma:
Did I love her for herself, or for the taste of barbecue?
The thought wasn’t there
Plenty of gifts are exchanged at Valentine’s, but some can be quite disastrous. One lady was understandably lost for words when she was presented with a gift-wrapped rubbish bin. Other less than romantic gifts have been second-hand pots and pans, a bowling ball and an onion mincer.
One fellow could not get his wife interested in fishing, partly because she had a phobia about wiggling maggots and live bait. So on Valentine’s Day he considerately presented her with a tastefully-wrapped box of artificial bait, full of rubber worms. Upon opening the box the wife burst into tears — they weren’t tears of joy.
Perhaps the most insulting gift was when a lady received underwear much smaller than her size accompanied by a pass to a fitness centre and the romantic message, “hope you will eventually fit into these”. But the ultimate humiliation was experienced by a gentleman whose wife presented him with a lovely heart-shaped red box with matching ribbons.
He opened it up to be greeted with divorce papers.
The bitter truth
So what is this thing called love?
Author Somerset Maugham was never convinced by lasting romance, observing “love is a thing that happens to a man and a woman who don’t know one another”. Even more pessimistic was columnist HL Mencken’s view that “love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence”.
But to get to the true meaning of love we must call on late Hungarian actress, Zsa Zsa Gabor, who once lovingly observed: “I have never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.”
Contact PostScript via email at oldcrutch@gmail.com.
