KING LOUIS, A SECOND OPINION
These entitled Manchester United fans, eh? You know the sort – horrified at the idea of having to play on Thursday nights in Big Vase, aghast at the idea teams would not just wave them through for the victories that rightfully belong to them, livid at the prospect of climbing up some stairs [are you sure that isn’t Mariah Carey you’re thinking of there? – Fiver Ed]. “We are used to winning,” kvetched one such fan this week. “We are used to finishing first. We are used to entertaining the fans. If we finished second it was a disappointing season, now the talk is about finishing fourth. It is undignifying for a club like Manchester United.”
That particular fan was a Mr OG Solskjaer, of Molde, Norway, who might want to concentrate more on his own team than concern himself with business at United, given that Molde currently sit a lowly, “undignifying” sixth in the Norwegian Tippeligaen table. Granted, their season hasn’t started yet and Molde are in that place on alphabetical order, but the point stands. Solskjaer presumably won’t be able to bring himself to watch United later on Monday, given that they play those serfs from Shrewsbury in the FA Cup, presumably making him recoil in horror at the very idea of having to lower themselves to share the same field as those proles. The sheer effrontery!
Maybe Louis van Gaal should use the excuse that United simply do not belong in such low company for the selection of dreary semi-performances they’ve put in over recent months, because at least that way it would suggest someone other than him was responsible for it. “When you see the last two games it’s maybe like that,” roared King Louis, beating his chest and grabbing his crotch when asked if teams no longer feared United. “I hope [Shrewsbury now think their task is easier]. Because then it is a benefit for us. It’s not a question of being the favourite for the Cup. It’s a question that you have to see every match as a match that you have to win,” he cliché-mangled. Chris Smalling seems a little concerned, too. “The aggression that you start the game with is something you need to match with the other team, something I don’t think we have done recently,” said Smalling, kicking off his campaign for the Understater of the Year award with a very strong entry, United having recently displayed all the aggression and verve of a sleepy kitten after a heavy lunch, the players presumably as bored as the rest of us at the football they’ve been asked to play.
The question is what will the high-ups at United do if they lose to the Shrews. Will they keep that thin, unconvincing smile on their collective face and plough on, maintaining that everything is absolutely fine as Old Trafford slowly, tediously crumbles behind them, still seemingly happy with the idea that Van Gaal is a managerial genius and not at all a shadow of his former bombastic self? Or will they locate both some sense and some swingers and stamp the old boy’s ticket for the 10.35pm to Do One Junction, thus saving everyone the mither that waiting for the summer would bring. It’s for these stultifying reasons that the debate over whether José Mourinho is right for United is a vague red herring: surely absolutely anyone would be better than the man under whom they are currently not only boring, not only losing loads of games, but losing loads of games boringly.
So could these be the last days of Louis? Could his interminable reign come to a close in a nondescript corner of the Midlands? Will he shuffle off into insignificance having been bested by a team currently in the League One relegation zone? We’ll be tuning in to find out, even if Ole isn’t.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Salih Dursun showed the red card to Turkish football. This is not a symbol of rebellion. It is a symbol of rebirth” – Trabzonspor’s chairman Muharrem Usta leaps to the defence of his player after fun and games in the match against Galatasaray. Amid childish scenes, after Luis Cavanda had been dismissed to reduce Trabzonspor to eight men, Dursun picked up ref Deniz Bitnel’s dropped red card and waved it at him … something Bitnel was only too happy to reciprocate. Oh, and the seven men eventually lost 2-1 to a last-minute penalty. It’s gone down well with fans, as you can imagine.
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“Oh lord. I knew it wouldn’t be long before I was dragged into this astronomy nonsense, and sure enough, here I am. The ‘Kessel Run confusion’ Tim Jenners mentions (Friday’s letters) is about how the Millennium Falcon could do an infamous smuggling route in less (fewer!) than 12 parsecs. Parsecs being a unit of distance, and Star Wars pedants being far more numerous than 1,057, a stink of the nerdiest sort followed. However, since Star Wars hyperspace drives are judged not on how fast the ships move but on the most economic route their computers can find around the various celestial objects in between points A and B, parsecs is a perfectly fine measure. There, I hope you’re happy” – Ben Jones.
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• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Matthew Flenley.
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BITS AND BOBS
Arsène Wenger is pumped for 10-man Arsenal’s Big Cup first-leg defeat at home to Barcelona on Tuesday. “We have to find the right balance between being audacious but also strong defensively as a unit,” he roared. “No team is perfect. Barcelona are not far from it! We need to take our chances.”
Prince Ali bin al Hussein will send transparent voting booths to Fifa’s volcanic bunker for use in Friday’s presidential election, although the governing body isn’t having any of it.
Roger Schmidt has apologised for acting up and refusing to go to the stands after being banished there during Leverkusen’s defeat by Dortmund. “Maybe that was a bit stubborn of me,” he sighed. “I’m sorry. I am a role model and I’ve not done myself justice.”
West Brom’s Chris Brunt is thinking over his future at the club after a real specimen chucked a coin at him at the end of their FA Cup loss to Reading. “My wife and kids were going to come to the game but I am glad they didn’t because if my kids had witnessed that, I would have been gutted,” he said.
Mikel John Obi wouldn’t mind Guus Hiddink changing his mind and staying at Chelsea beyond the end of the season. That’s what giddy 5-1 wins over Manchester City Under-7s will do for you. “If you speak to the players, 98 or 99% of them want him to stay,” he cheered, as a faceless individual presumably glowered in the corner.
Bolton have been granted extra time to conclude a takeover deal worth about £7.5m with a consortium fronted by former Topman model Dean Holdsworth.
Adam Johnson has told a court that he Googled “legal age of consent” during a dressing room chat with fellow Sunderland players – and not in connection with alleged sexual activity with a schoolgirl.
And Firewall FC’s new manager is Nick Daws. “The football we’ve played in recent weeks has been excellent and I can only see that improving,” bee-bopped chairman Peter Swann.
STILL WANT MORE?
Win! Win! Win! We’ve got home tickets to Leicester v West Brom and Manchester United v Watford up for grabs.
Roma and Francesco Totti: it doesn’t look like it’s going to end well, writes Paolo Bandini.
Seven maverick talking points from the weekend’s FA Cup fifth-round ties.
Millwall’s fight to defend their Den. Jeremy Alexander reports.
Sean Ingle on Neymar: “The best player in the world in waiting.”
Juan Arango breaks down USA! USA!! USA!!!’s Copa América Centenario draw.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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