NEXT STOP: RUSSIA
Finally, it is over. After the months of speculation, tension and nerves, there is no more uncertainty. We know who is competing, who will have a golden chance at glory and associated marketing riches and who will be left, disappointed, at home. Now the experts can get on with analysing the contestants, and reveal who they believe to be the favourites. The Fiver’s money is on Georgia Toffolo. But enough of I’m a Celebrity …
On the afternoon of 12 March 2015, at 3.30pm GMT, a 41-year-old man from Jordan called Mohammad Abu Loum blew a whistle. About 300 people watched him do it. In so doing he set in motion not just a football game between a pair of ultimately hopeless Asian nations but a process that will not end until another, similarly-attired man blows another similar whistle in about 241 days’ time. In all, the process of determining the finest national side on the planet will have taken a couple of hours more than 1,222 days. It’s a lot of time and no mistake. There was the period when they sorted the chaff from the even worse chaff, the bit when the remaining amount of chaff was sifted to leave just the least bad chaff, and the bit when the wheat was introduced and everything remaining was further sifted so that all that now remains is wheat. And a bit of chaff.
When the first game was played, Holland were officially the world’s fifth-best team. Italy were No10. Romania were at No14, just ahead of Chile and the Czech Republic. Algeria and Ivory Coast were the best teams in Africa. Indeed, precisely 50% of the world’s top-32 teams as ranked by Fifa in early 2015 have failed to qualify for the finals. And now we now know our final 32. Late on Wednesday night, Peru became the last nation to seal a place at Ethics World Cup by beating New Zealand 2-0 in a qualifying play-off. They celebrated a little prematurely with a lavish firework display, detonated directly above the visiting team’s hotel at 3am on the morning of the match. They organised a thrilling fly-past of air force jets, also above the hotel when the visitors were attempting to grab some pre-game rest. On the plus side local police did their best to stop members of the public making more noise to disturb the All Whites’ peace and preparations, by loudly blaring their horns for several hours, for which Anthony Hudson’s team were puzzlingly ungrateful.
The draw will take place at the Kremlin on 1 December, whereupon the real excitement – or at least, the final stage of speculative pre-excitement – can commence. And apparently the draw will be hosted by none other than England’s own Gary Lineker, who could use the platform to repeat his previous references to Fifa as “nauseating”, “ludicrous”, “disgraceful”, “clowns”, whose “corruption” “makes me feel sick”. In 2014 Lineker said “the only way it might change” would be if those with a more functional moral compass “stand up for what is right” and “say: ‘You know what, we are not taking part.’” Lineker ruefully concluded that “I can’t see it happening” and, somehow, neither do we.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Last year was useful for me: to think, to change things, to say to myself: ‘Alberto, what can you do better?’ And the first thing was: defend. I’m a defender. And I’ve changed that. I’m more focused; I think you can see that – and thankfully I haven’t made any mistakes. Maybe in my first few years at Liverpool, I was always thinking: ‘Attack, attack, attack.’ Confidence is vital for a footballer but I’m [also] more settled, more focused: now I’m like: ‘First, let’s defend, keep a clean sheet and, then, let’s go forward’” – Alberto Moreno tells Sid Lowe all about Liverpool, ice cream and how he has changed, but fails to explain why Spain are still using leftover balls knocking around from Euro 2016 in training.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I can’t believe I missed the request for Neighbours anecdotes (Fiver letters passim), as I played five-a-side against a team made up of Neighbours stars. Joe Mangel, Toadfish, Paul Robinson, Lance and some bloke whose name I’ve forgotten but reckoned he was in a scene with Helen Daniels once. Joe Mangel called me a galah, which was a highlight, although I doubt he’ll fondly remember what I called him after he nutmegged me. They were good, Neighbours, but we didn’t become good friends” – Andy Gardner.
“I have to admit surprise that, in the ongoing discussion crossover involving Australian soaps and football, no one has yet mentioned Sunderland. After all, for at least 18 months the team have been cr@p both home and away” – Andrew Tate.
“When it comes to Denmark’s big win against O’Ireland (yesterday’s Fiver), I reckon it was a poetic justice (or so) that the only man who ever compared Ashley Young to Messi and Him with a straight face suffered his final blow from such a world-class striker” – Admir Pajic.
“As the Sheilaroos continued their inexorable march to World Cup oblivion in Russia, not all flamin’ spectators at Wednesday’s thrashing of Honduras wore the traditional baseball hat style of headgear. And yes, they are condoms” – John Milce.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Andrew Tate, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2018, thanks to the good people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got plenty more to give away, so keep typing.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
England Women’s goalkeeping coach Lee Kendall has quit following Eni Aluko’s claim that he repeatedly spoke to her in a Caribbean accent.
A defendant in the ongoing Fifa corruption trial was accused of intimidating a key government witness, just hours after a former Argentinian official killed himself over an accusation in court on Tuesday that he had taken millions in bribes.
PSG manager Unai Emery says rumours about Neymar being unhappy at the club are nonsense. “The club and the president want him to stay and he’s going to stay here,” he roared convincingly.
Po’ Michael O’Neill deserves better than having to decide over whether to take over at Scotland or Sunderland. He’s halfway to safety after snubbing the Black Cats, who are now sniffing around Chris Coleman.
Manchester United suits are over the moon because their black change strip has become the fastest-selling away kit the club has ever released. “Adidas blah wholesale business blah perform well blah strong demands blah key products blether,” parped chief suit Ed Woodward.
Spurs defender Toby Alderweireld is expected to be out until after Christmas with hamstring-twang.
And Ebbsfleet United are to auction a special No5 shirt for charity, after defender Yado Mambo became a hit on assorted social media disgraces.
STILL WANT MORE?
Go go Power Rankings? Go go Power Rankings!
This interactive allows you to create your very own World Cup draw. But we know you’ll just keep bashing the “Draw again” button in an attempt to produce a Panama v Serbia final because that’s just who you are.
Where did it go wrong for your World Cup team, we asked. You replied.
“At 25, Jack Wilshere is a riddle wrapped in a mystery shrouded by the smoke of a cheeky cigarette” – this and many more gems as Jonathan Wilson explores the growing gulf between Spurs and Arsenal.
We’ve all felt like Daniele De Rossi, but the key is not to show it, writes Liam Rosenior.
Some very bad misses, a very excited coach and a very quick sending off feature in this week’s Classic YouTube.
The Fiver’s skinny-jeaned, 10.4%-craft-ale-swigging, natty-hat-wearing cousin Hipster Fiver may love it down at Dulwich Hamlet, but the club are in financial peril and at war with a developer. Paul MacInnes heads to Champion Hill.
Australia owe their flamin’ World Cup qualification to the “inherent volatility of football”, writes Ante Jukic. Which doesn’t particularly bode well.
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