Just when you think there couldn’t possibly be any more British talent searches on telly, along comes another one. We really will judge anything.
If you’ve got a hobby or job that’s vaguely creative, there’s a TV producer just waiting to pit you against your peers to be the Next Big Thing.
Joining sewing, pottery, baking, dancing, painting, dog grooming and so on, ad infinitum, All That Glitters: Britain’s Next Jewellery Star slid on to BBC2 on Tuesday like it had always been there.
A cousin of Sewing Bee or Bake Off – identical format but a little rougher round the edges.
Eight jewellers do battle over six weeks from a workshop in Birmingham’s jewellery quarter (yes, who knew?)
What did you think of the show? Let us know in the comments section
There are two challenges – The Bestseller and The Bespoke – then one person wins Jeweller of the Week and one goes home.
Two judges walk stiffly around the workshop, staring at metal through tiny monocles like supervillains.
Except they aren’t called monocles, but no one cares except the judges.
It’s host Katherine Ryan who sparkles the most, bringing glamour, warmth and the obligatory innuendo, whipping up some atmosphere all by herself.
Even if you have no interest in watching people hammer, solder and weld, Katherine’s wit and wisdom is reason enough to tune in.
When contestant Tamara moaned her bangles were bungled, Katherine scolded: “Do you know how confident a straight white man would be right now? Sometimes we have to think like these men.” Can someone please put this on a T-shirt?
Later, Katherine quipped that Dan, who won Jeweller of the Week AND had his pendant picked by the client, was also the father of her child.
“What a week for Dan!” she clapped. And when jeweller-to-the-stars Shaun Leane said pieces must look just as good from the back, she said: “That’s why I do squats.”
Never mind the pendant-making, this is comedy gold and I am here for it.
Someone needs to speak up when we’re faced with a phallic-looking measuring instrument.
Someone needs to wander the workshop filing their nails on something they shouldn’t.
Someone needs to skip across the streets of Birmingham in a gold sequinned ballgown.
“Jewellery is so tense!” said Sonny, the only contestant trying to lift the mood.
Sure, it was all a bit tense but as with all these shows, the judges start stern and gradually start to crack.
And by episode three we’ll all be expert jewellery-makers yelling at the TV.
I’ll wager this will become another glittering gem in the schedules.
