Dear Agony Akka,
Last week, I bumped into a friend whom I had not seen since we graduated five years ago. She said she had quit her job and started a venture selling homemade hummus and organic pickles. It shocked me, considering she'd never even made Maggi during our hostel days. In fact, I was the intrepid cook back then, making soup and khichdi in the lone kettle we owned. And she was the one to polish off the food. Anyway, bygones and all that, I'm very happy for her. But sad for me. When will I explore my entrepreneurial spirit? How long do I have to make PowerPoint presentations on Zoom? Two years and the pandemic has made everyone a business tycoon. What about me? Help!
— Next Business Ace
Dear NBA,
Five years plus two years is equal to seven years and you are still thinking of becoming an entrepreneur while your Maggi-eating classmate is already a hummus honcho. Need I say more? Being businesswoman means having a lot of get-up-and-go spirit. Like the guy who realised he could retrieve lost golf balls and make a fortune by re-selling them. Or the woman who started a rage room where people actually pay to yell and break things. But your business spirit seems to have got up and gone away to make soup.
Mind you, I am not surprised. The clues are all there in your letter. You are earning a living by making PPT presentations means your soul has already shrivelled up and died and is residing like a pressed flower between the slides. People who make PPT presentations are the ones who write ‘The cow is a four-legged animal’ on the slide and then read out the full sentence again during presentation. Why this double-veri di? Are they testing our eyesight? Do they want to know if we can multitask? Read and hear at the same time?
People who make PPTs usually have no point to make and many slides to make it in. This is not a useful skill to make money. And please don’t tell me you are going to sell soup and khichdi and become Bill Gates. It is too late. Lockdowns are over. Everybody started home kitchen then, everybody has shut down now. People are going out to eat. Or eating at home because cooks have all returned from village.
Anyway, I cannot spend any more time on you because I have to start my own business. For a long time, I have been using all my experience and wisdom to give best advice to all the readers who have written to Hindu newspaper. But now I am asking, what’s in it for me? I asked the editor to increase my writing fee but she said she will pay me severance fee to stop writing this column.
So it is farewell, dear readers and askers. I am a little hurt but not much because I already have a Plan B. For some weeks now, I have been cultivating a swami in the Himalayas. He is regularly sending me stock market news, business advice and fashion tips. I will soon be going places. To be specific, I will be going all the way to the bank, laughing. Also to Seychelles and Sicily. Good weather for older people.
You are thinking why I am not sharing his address with you. Because he cannot be contacted by mere mortals and PPT makers. He apparates and disapparates at will. But if you want to buy my 2BHK apartment in gated complex in Chennai, please send me separate mail.
— AA
agony.akka@gmail.com
