Dear Eva,
I’ve been online dating for almost two years now. I’ve probably had an average of one date a month, mostly fun. Trouble is, I didn’t want to go further than one or two dates with the majority of them and the two or three I was keen on didn’t feel the same. I can’t think of a solution, other than to try and increase the volume of women responding to my profile, so I’d welcome your thoughts and suggestions.
My profile:
Hey, you.
Before we get to your profile, I’d love to take a moment to address the issue you mentioned in your email, because I think it’s one that everyone dating online is grappling with in one way or another: how do we find someone with whom we want to make things stick? I’m not sure it’s necessarily a numbers game.
Back in history, when no one had a fast internet connection, I lived for a brief time with four male roommates in a terrible apartment. The roommates were all a few years older than me and I had moved in because my first very serious real-love relationship had ended.
Guess what happened next! OK, I was smart enough to know that jumping into bed with one of my roommates was a bad idea, but I did develop a mega crush on one of them, and he on me. After a series of long evenings spent on the sofa together (“Oh I decided not to go out tonight. What, you too?”), I decided to consult a friend. Perhaps I should stop holding back. Was I in love with this guy?
“Maybe,” she said, “but maybe it’s like when ice dancers end up dating their partners ... you spend so much time together you can’t help but fall in love.”
See also: summer camp, Greyhound bus trips, waiting in line at the DMV.
Dating online is the opposite of ice dancing: you meet someone, you see them a couple of times, and then you feel pressed to make a decision. Should I pursue this? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person? Probably not. Not only do you hardly know each other, but there are literally thousands of other people out there available to you with a swipe or a tap. It’s hard for anyone to compete with the allure of the infinite unknown.
What’s the solution? You can’t compel the women who didn’t seem to reciprocate your interest to continue seeing you, no, but you can go in to this exercise with the outlook that you’re going to try not to make a definitive call on a person just because you’re not besotted with them after one coffee and two cocktails. And you can hope that you’ll meet people who are doing the same.
(Also: try a second date that isn’t just sitting across a table from someone. It can feel slumpy and boring if you’ve already done it for your first date. Sharing an activity is a much more piquant way to get to know someone. Ice dancing, for example.)
Profile review
I love the part at the end introducing someone’s books to yours! That’s the most winning part of your profile, so turn it into an opener, rather than stating that your job prevents you from meeting people – that’s not unusual, as you note, and evokes thoughts of Office Space.
In general, emphasize these positive things over the negative ones: not going to grow a beard or get a tattoo? That’s fine, but calling this out positions you as someone who feels insecure about not being bearded and tattooed (even if you’re not).
Saying you did an MA because you didn’t want to get a job isn’t very inspiring, even if it’s true – instead, mention the most interesting thing you learned in your MA. In general: your profile is a space where you have free remit to say great things about yourself. Don’t be afraid to.
