There is going to be an All I Want for Christmas Is You film. That is to say, actual people with actually important jobs have decided to turn Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You into a full-length film that people actually get paid to make. Here – and this is true – is the alleged plot of the film, via the Hollywood Reporter:
A young Mariah … sees a darling puppy named Princess at the pet store and suddenly knows exactly what she wants for Christmas. But she must prove that she can pet-sit Jack, a scraggly rascal of a dog who turns Mariah and her family’s holiday preparations upside down.
Of course! How foolish of everyone not to have realised that Mariah Carey was singing about a pretty dog all along. It all makes so much sense now, even the line about Mariah waiting under some mistletoe because, after all, we’ve all wanted to non-consensually get off with a dog at some point, haven’t we?
Well, fine. If Mariah Carey gets to make an entire film about a song, then so do I. All these ideas are mine now, and all of Hollywood’s cheques should be made out to me.
Sk8ter Boi – Avril Lavigne
The heartbreaking tale of a young ballet dancer who realises that the boy whose romantic advances she declined at school is now a famous pop singer. “If only I’d let him pressure me into sex a decade ago,” she thinks at the film’s heart-wrenching climax, “I could now be sitting in a dingy, stale-smelling backstage area surrounded by fat blokes hundreds of miles from everyone I love. What a missed opportunity.” What a missed opportunity indeed.
Galway Girl – Ed Sheeran
A cartoon about Ed Sheeran’s adventures in a broadly stereotypical Ireland that bears absolutely no relation to any country that any actual Irish people have ever been to. PRODUCTION NOTE: please add a 40% contingency to pay off any disgruntled Irish heritage charities.
Copacabana – Barry Manilow
A drunk old lady in a bar regales three comatose alcoholics with the story of the time she got into a fight at a bar and her boyfriend either murdered someone or was murdered by someone. Actually, no, this is basically Horace and Pete, isn’t it? Let’s put this one on the backburner.
Shake It Off – Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift decides to ignore the haters who say that she stays up too late, by writing a song about them. The fact that she has dedicated so much time to decrying something that ostensibly doesn’t bother her rips a tear in the space-time continuum, and she’s transported to another dimension where she has to kill puppies with bricks for sustenance.
Summer Girls – LFO
The year is 1990. New Kids on the Block have a lot of hits, but this is scant consolation for young Willy Whistle, a young mute who has just been diagnosed with an allergy to Chinese food. This is his story, in all its tragic whimsy.
Literally just the McDonald’s I’m Lovin’ It jingle
So, OK, there’s a burger. And he’s got arms and legs. And he wants a puppy, but he has to prove to his dad that he can look after puppies. And also save an orphanage from being closed down. On a boat. On the moon. Look, this is no less silly than Mariah’s idea. We’re all going to be so rich.
