Age: 59.
Appearance: Swollen Bob Hoskins.
Who is he? He's Russia's richest man.
And we care about this why? Because, as of this week, he's also our richest man.
Our richest man? Yup.
Did we buy him? Of course not. We're skint.
So in what way is he "our" richest man? The Sunday Times Rich List has just crowned him Britain's wealthiest person.
Yes, but how is he Britain's richest man? Oh, I see. Well, in a nutshell, he has more money than the next guy. The previous No 1 – Indian steel magnate Lakshmi Mittal - fell to fourth place this year after a collapse in the value of his share portfolio. Usmanov, meanwhile, saw his fortune rise around £1bn to £13.3bn. Ergo: he had more money.
I'm familiar with the concept of "richest". I meant how is he British? Oh. Well, he lives here. Or at least owns a couple of very fancy houses here, including a £48m mansion in north London and the Tudor manor house and billionaire's playground Sutton Place in Surrey. He also owns a 30% stake in Arsenal football club.
And that's worth £13.3bn is it? Well, obviously not. Have you seen Olivier Giroud? Usmanov also owns Russia's biggest iron-ore producer, a stake in its largest internet company and a sizeable chunk of the mobile-phone firm MegaFon.
And what does he do with all this money? Focuses on his hobbies – he is president of FIE, the international fencing organisation – and, according to Wikipedia, buys art collections and donates them to children's television channels and the Russian state.
Sounds like a nice guy. Yeah. Although his PR people did get in trouble last year for editing his Wikipedia page.
What did they remove? Among other things that he had made legal threats against bloggers who repeated disobliging comments about his business practices, made by a former British ambassador.
And did they add anything? Yep. Some fluff about donated art.
Do say: "He may be a billionaire …"
Don't say: "… but he's our billionaire."
