Dear Agony Akka,
I am a radiologist (the doctor who does your ultrasounds) nearing my 30s. I am thinking of getting married this year to the love of my life. But I am anxious about the events after marriage. For instance, now my mother wakes me up, cooks breakfast for me, etc. After marriage, should I ask my wife to do so? Would this be patriarchal because she is also a doctor. On the other hand, mother cooking for both of us could be odd. What should I do? What is the way forward?
— Caring and Anxious Doctor
Dear CAD,
The fact that we have reached a stage of evolution where an Indian man is asking whether or not an action of his might be considered patriarchal is a great day in the life of the nation. I want to give you a trophy, throw a party, break into song. Sadly, I cannot even shake your hand warmly because of the pandemic. Be assured, however, that mentally I am doing just that.
I am also congratulating you for writing to me with your question and not asking the love of your life. Somehow I feel that she would not have taken it in a friendly spirit of detached interest in male progress.
All this is for the asking part of your letter. Now for the question itself. I was spellbound to see how entirely you were missing from that charming home life scenario you painted. It was like reading a ghost story where there is always a spirit or poltergeist or gremlin that is not present but always hovering nearby and must be propitiated with food and incense every day.
As you imagine married life unrolling from Day 1, you have visualised your future wife and present mother vying to do the honours of waking you up and cooking your breakfast but where are you? Why aren’t you present there in that scene waking yourself up and cooking your breakfast?
The last I heard, alarm clock technology had advanced by leaps and bounds. In fact, you can even record your mother’s loving voice and make it the alarm tune in your phone. As a qualified radiologist, I am sure you will crack the modus operandi in no time. When you are nearing 30, you are even past the globally recognised grace time that Indian men are allowed to fully grow up. Get an alarm.
Mind you, you’re not alone. I once met a NRI guy who travelled regularly to India on business and his wife had to call him from Texas to wake him up each morning. Indian men are truly sui generis.
Anyway, now that you’re awake, let’s move on. The two options you so elegantly state are between your mother and your wife making your breakfast. Even though it appears from your question that you are worried about these two women and who should do the cooking, if I do an ultrasound of your letter, it becomes crystal clear that you are actually and primarily worried about how to continue your own comfortable life without any unpleasantness coming between you and your aloo paratha.
Let me assure you that neither the biological fact of being male nor the study of radiology prevents you from cooking breakfast. Unless you’re worried that the aloo paratha will become radioactive? This is a valid fear but one that scientists will reject outright.
The year is still young. Fix marriage for November and use these nine months to discover how the least odd thing in your life will be to look after yourself.
— AA
agony.akka@gmail.com
