Alan Shearer's return to Newcastle

"A certain north-east landmark will need updating if Alan keeps Newcastle up," says Adam Harvey. "Although that's a pretty big if" Photograph: a/n

"He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy," chortles the chortlesome Laurence Jones Photograph: n/a

"Wee-Man was forced out of Castle Grayskull by She-Ra," chuckles Tony Hewitt Photograph: n/a

Stuart Goodacre channels Picasso to show us the horrific scenes Alan found when he chipped on up to St James' Park Photograph: n/a

Some lovely Photoshopping in this effort from Will Thompson Photograph: n/a

"Lo, and it came to pass that Mike delivered the messiah, without a Shepherd or a Wise man in sight. Famous Geordie artist Leonardo da Vinci celebrated the arrival with his painting Adoration of the Magpie." Rob Moline, we thank you Photograph: n/a

"Match of the Day didn't find it too hard to find an equally animated replacement for Alan," quacks Paul Berry Photograph: n/a

Here's Thomas Nycz-Losi: "Alan used his legendary goal celebration to show which way his side were going" Photograph: n/a

Alastair O'Neill is responsible for this piece of nonsense Photograph: n/a

"Round about the cauldron go/ in the poison'd entrails throw/eye of frog, wing of bat/you're going down/and that is that." That comes courtesy of Elizabethan drama's Stephen Garman Photograph: n/a