If you have kids, having other family members with kids can often be helpful when you need babysitting. After all, parents tend to know best how to actually look after children. But it’s pretty easy to start crossing lines and making demands that go beyond normal family obligations.
A woman asked the internet if she was wrong to turn down her brother’s girlfriend’s request to have their kids interact more when she felt it wasn’t a good idea. Later, she shared an update. We reached out to the woman who made the post via private message and will update the article when she gets back to us.
Some folks think that their relatives and even in-laws should be required to help them with kids
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So one woman had to turn down her brother’s GF who kept trying to get her to look after her kids
Image credits: Kateryna Hliznitsova / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Wesley Tingey / unsplash (not the actual photo)
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“Instant families” come with all sorts of pitfalls
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The idea of an “instant family” doesn’t always culminate with immediate acceptance and perhaps, free babysitting. Sometimes it happens by stealth through dating, when someone new begins dating a member of your family and suddenly finds themselves wrapped up in a whole web of assumptions and obligations. It’s easy for the newcomer to be more sensitive, as in this story, where Natalie insists her kids aren’t treated as well. This is, in a sense, true, although she should probably understand why.
As this story demonstrates, this dynamic becomes especially complicated when children are introduced. It’s good for kids to socialize, have friends and for the parents to potentially have someone nearby they can trust. But at the same time, as this woman suggests, the demands become unreasonable. Not all kids get along, as many parents learn when they try to force friendships. They’re not being snooty or standoffish, they’re just trying to set healthy boundaries in a scenario that’s moving faster than they’re prepared for.
New partners might be quick to try and capitalize on this, as many of the comments suggest. One reason this story was a bit divisive (you can find a variety of opinions in the comments below) was that Natalie isn’t wrong that it’s good for kids to hang out. Similarly, children are very, very sensitive to injustice, at least as far as they perceive it. They might have asked their mom why these new adults didn’t treat them the same as the “other kids”.
Natalie can explain the differences, but it’s not entirely fair to assume a child will be able to understand exactly why this is happening. Familial relationships are complicated. Natalie has been dating the woman’s brother for a year, maybe not a long time as far as families go, but a very, very long time for a child. Many of the readers seem to have overlooked this, something all too common in these sorts of stories. Naturally, we tend to side with the person telling the story, as we see their perspective. This doesn’t mean that the woman who made the post is wrong, but it’s simply something to keep in mind.
Familial obligations are a complicated topic
Image credits: Kateryna Hliznitsova / unsplash (not the actual photo)
For parents, getting the balance right between inviting in and drowning can be tricky. There is a real desire to make new people belong to the group, especially when children or an extended family are involved. But inclusion doesn’t have to mean expectation. Healthier practices recognize that relationships are built over time, and not everyone who comes into the family unit is ready, or obligated, to get actively involved overnight. Remember, this is a best-case scenario, some folks have families that are deeply entitled and even toxic.
This is a two-way road. There is a lot of speculation about Natalie’s motivations here, that she just wants free babysitting, but this isn’t immediately clear. Certainly, she doesn’t seem to take being told “no” very well, although she also doesn’t seem to see the author’s point of view either. It seems like a case where some honest and frank communication is needed to sort out these clearly misaligned beliefs.
Ultimately, the worst of the “instant family” mentality is that it skips over the most important step: consent. Adult relationships, whether between step-children and step-parents, in-laws and new partners, or extended relatives and significant others, grow healthiest when people are afforded the autonomy to move at their own speed. When all parties’ roles and boundaries are respected, the resulting family may not be instant, but it’s a hell of a lot better chance it’ll be real, solid, and founded on actual connection. And if you want to know what happens next, she later shared an update that can be found below.
Many thought she was not being unreasonable
A few thought she could have treated her better
Later, she shared an update
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Image credits: Andrej Lišakov / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: OkJeweler4132
Readers shared their thoughts
