I’M TRYING TO REBUILD BRIDGES WITH MY ADOPTED SON
I am trying to reconnect with my adopted son.
We had a row a few months in which I said some things I deeply regret.
He’d been living with me for about a year after his last relationship fell apart, something that has happened far too many times.
I live in one-bed flat and struggle to cope on a small pension.
He slept on a sofa-bed in the sitting room, so it was not easy having him and his things around all the time, especially as he seemed incapable of holding down a steady job. We were irritable with each other, and we had a lot of arguments.
During a particularly nasty one I told him he was immature and that, at 32, he should be standing on his own two feet and living in his own place.
He said that this just proved that I never really loved him as I wasn’t his natural mother. I told him that I had always loved him and that this had nothing to do with the fact that he was adopted.
It was simply that I couldn’t cope with him staying with me for long periods.
He couldn’t accept this and stormed out the same day and I haven’t seen or spoken to him since, though I have tried. He ignores my calls and avoids me on social media.
A friend spotted him in town coming out of a house one morning and looking like he was heading off to work, so this might be where he is living now.
I can understand why he might be angry with me, but I really do love and care about him. And it hurts that he has cut me off completely. What can I do?
T. C.
FIONA SAYS: REACH OUT WITH LOVE AND GIVE HIM SPACE TO HEAL
When an adoptee learns that he or she was adopted it often creates a complex mix of emotions.
Some can hold onto the love, trust and shared experiences that they have built up with their adoptive parents and carry on as though nothing has happened.
Others might feel confused, hurt or even betrayed that a secret was kept from them.
Others may start to question why their birth parents gave them up for adoption. Did they have a good reason or was it that they simply didn’t love their child?
Other adoptees blame themselves or feel that they were somehow not good enough.
All these doubts can have long-lasting effects on an adoptee’s self-esteem. They can also mean that an adoptee will doubt that their adoptive parents ever really loved them, as you’ve found.
It’s not clear from your letter how long your son has known he is adopted but his history of broken relationships suggests that he has many of these doubts.
It’s clear from your letter that you care for him deeply, so I think the task ahead is to convince him of this.
A face-to-face confrontation on his doorstep might make him feel uncomfortable.
As he seems determined to ignore your digital approaches, perhaps you should send a letter to the address that your friends noted. This will give him time consider his response.
Explain that you love him and want to see him again. Say that you regret the things you said and hope he can forgive you.
Hopefully he will find a way, but dealing with the adoption issue going forwards may continue to be challenging.
For that reason I think you both might find it helpful to contact PAC-UK Adoption and Permanency Support (pac-uk.org), part of the national charity Family Action.
Readers in Scotland can contact Adoption UK in Scotland (adoptionuk.org/scotland).
HOW DO I STOP THINKING I’M GOING TO DIE YOUNG?
I have always been convinced that I was going to die young.
Two years ago, when I was 33, a large lump was found in my left breast and my worst fears seemed about to unfold.
After an anxiety-filled wait I finally found out that the lump was not malignant but would require major surgery and bit of breast reconstruction.
I had to wait about five months for the surgery and nothing the doctors or nurses said could stop me from worrying.
I thought things would improve after the surgery but about six months ago I started losing weight and feeling down all the time.
I’m not proud to admit that I slept around a lot over this period, probably to prove that I was still attractive.
Anyway, I am now so very scared that I have AIDS, and it’s keeping me awake at night. My sister made me have an HIV test, but I have been too frightened to go back to get the result.
All I can think about now are the stupid mistakes I’ve made in my life and how it’s all going to end badly very soon.
I’ve taken a lot of time off work, and I am sure they are going to fire me soon.
Please help, I am so frightened.
M. C.
FIONA SAYS: DON’T LET FEAR RULE YOUR LIFE – GET HELP NOW
Your imagination coupled with severe anxiety is creating lots of terrifying scenarios for you that are likely far more traumatic for your health than any number of real conditions.
So please, take a couple of deep breaths then, as soon as you can, see your GP to discuss the HIV test and the symptoms you’re currently experiencing.
Nothing can be worse that the uncertain limbo you’re currently stuck in.
Health anxiety like this, general stress and depression are very real conditions that can have lasting impacts on your health.
However, they ARE treatable, so please don’t feel that you need to face them alone.
In the meantime, please confide in your sister or a friend and get their emotional and practical support. ‘A problem shared is a problem halved’ may be a hackneyed saying, but it’s true nonetheless.
If the HIV test proves positive, you’ll be in the right place to get treatment, and remember, even if it IS positive, this doesn’t mean you have AIDS.
With early diagnosis and treatment, a positive HIV diagnosis is no longer the life-threatening illness it once was and many individuals will lead long, healthy lives.
While you wait to see your GP, try to stop blaming yourself or feeling guilty for what you see as mistakes in your life. You’ve done nothing wrong that I can see and worrying about the past solves nothing.
If you continue as you are, I think you will quite literally worry yourself sick, so please tackle this now.
AM I TOO OLD TO MAKE FRIENDS?
I am 66, recently retired and and live on my own.
My wife died a few years ago and, to cope, I threw myself into my job. I had a few close colleagues but, now that I have left, I realise I have no real friends of my own age.
In the past, this hasn’t really bothered me as I have always been something of a loner. However, six months into retirement, I find myself needing more in my life and actually feeling lonely sometimes too.
I’d like to get out to do more (not simply mess around with a computer) and make new friends, but have no idea how to do this.
Have I left it too late?
T. A.
FIONA SAYS: DON’T BE AFRAID TO LEAVE YOUR COMFORT ZONE
Making new friends in later life can feel challenging, especially if you’ve been something of a loner most of your life.
However, it’s certainly never too late to start meeting new people and developing lasting friendships.
And the scope of things you might do to make this happen is only limited by your imagination and your willingness to get involved.
I am going to throw a few broad ideas at you and hope that’s something sticks.
The University of the Third Age – U3A (u3a.org.uk) is a member organisation where older people can develop new interests, make new friends and have fun along the way.
If you still fit and active many gyms offer classes or facilities often aimed specifically at older people, as do many walking groups like the Ramblers (ramblers.org.uk).
Charities or campaigning groups are always looking for volunteers.
If you struggle to get started and just want someone to chat to contact the Silver Line (thesilverline.org.uk).
I would only add, don’t be afraid to say “yes”, even if it takes you out of your comfort zone.
I’VE BEEN LEFT OUT OF THE WEDDING – SHOULD I SPEAK UP?
My stepdaughter’s wedding is only six weeks away and I am feeling completely left out.
My son is an usher and my husband, her father, is giving her away. Despite this, I have been asked not to sit in the front row with my husband as she wants her mother to sit there.
I know it’s her special day but that hurts. It also hurts that the wedding invitations were from her mother and father, although he is using our joint funds to pay for most things.
On that basis I do feel I should be more involved. Is she deliberately snubbing me and should I say something?
B. B.
FIONA SAYS: SHOW SUPPORT IN A LOW-PRESSURED WAY
I doubt she is deliberately snubbing you, it’s far more likely that she does not want to be reminded on her wedding day that marriages can and do fail.
She’s also somewhat stuck with wedding protocol where it’s traditional that the father and mother of the bride sit in the front row along with any bridesmaids.
I know it feels hurtful, but I am sure that is not the intent.
So please think carefully before saying something that might spoil your stepdaughter’s day, as well as your ongoing relationship with her.
Instead offer to help in a low-pressure way perhaps with any behind-the-scenes tasks.
Then enjoy the wedding day and show support in a gracious and dignified way. If it helps, think of this as your special wedding gift to her.
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