When I grow up, I’ll eat sweets every night and watch cartoons until my eyes go square, and I won’t care, cos I’ll be all grown up. That’s what the kids sing in Dennis Kelly’s and Tim Minchin’s perfect adaptation of Roald Dahl’s Matilda with the same relish I felt the night I had my first sleepover at Danielle Carlton’s house, aged eight.
Much like a North Korean citizen facing up to the jaw-dropping fact that the Divine and Glorious Leadership of the Kim family may not be the whole truth, I too saw that not every kid went to bed at 7.30pm no questions asked; that white bread and butter did not mean an automatic heart attack; and that ITV’s Magpie was not for “delinquents”. From that night on, in my own bed after lights out, I would plot and plan to stick it to The Man, when I was all grown up.
As luck would have it, I was a biologically fast developer. Aged 11, I could easily pass for a 33-year-old divorcee, so I had no problems sneaking into the Hendon Classic to watch Midnight Express on my 13th birthday. My mum hit the roof. Apparently it was “appalling behaviour” and “that film is utterly age-inappropriate”. Eye roll. God, parents are boring! Until I became a parent myself. Last week, my daughter described me to her friend as a “fun sponge” because I told her to get off her tablet at 7pm. A fun sponge, me? Suddenly I’m The Man. And I’m having it stuck to me.
I am constantly watching her eyes roll at my policing of reading practice and homework spellings, sugar consumption and internet browsing. I’m the one bellowing that white bread has “no nutritional value” and making up nonsense scientific facts such as “too much chocolate drives you mad”. The world has turned upside down.
We’ve had to stick a child lock on the internet devices since, in an irony not lost on me, daughter and her older cousins managed to switch on our download of The Wolf of Wall Street and watch the first 20 minutes before getting bored. “This is appalling behaviour,” I fumed. “That film is utterly age-inappropriate.” I had fully morphed into my mother.
It’s a double bind, though. Ever since I downloaded some “age-appropriate” books for her, she leaps into bed clutching her tablet. I have to prise it out of her hands to get her to go to sleep. “But you told me to read,” she whines. And she’s right.
It’s tough being a fun sponge.
The Samsung Galaxy Tab A’s Multi User Mode means everyone in the family can have their own space on the device. With control over what family members can access and for how long, you can rest assured that your children are safe in the company of Samsung. For more information visit the Samsung website.
