On Monday His Holiness the Dalai Lama turned up as a guest judge on the Australian version of MasterChef . He may have been a little noncommittal – he refused to rate the contestants' efforts, adding that "as a Buddhist monk it is not right to prefer this food or that food" – but his willingness to appear opens up many possibilities for future reality TV work:
Gardeners' Question Time
"I am honoured by your question, Mrs Wells of Diss, but when I look at your hydrangea, I do not simply see an unhappy, wilting plant with irregular notches on the leaves. I also see evidence of vine weevils thriving, in harmony with nature. Do nothing – only wait – and the grubs will devour the roots, the plant will die and the cycle of life will continue. Alternatively, you could apply a strong insecticide solution, such as acetamiprid, directly to the soil, but you know what? You didn't hear that from me."
The Apprentice
"Good works, Team Dharma. You performed the task with high moral ethics and without negative conduct. You have understood that all human beings by nature avoid suffering and long for happiness or, failing happiness, some kind of sugary snack. Sadly everyone thought your chocolate yoghurt pretzels were unpleasant, so Team Bamboo wins. None of you will be fired."
Strictly Come Dancing
"You cannot dance the paso doble with an eye toward material reward, or even with the goal of higher rebirth. Instead it must be danced with conscientiousness, mindfulness and a determination to attain omniscience for the sake of all things. This I believe you did tonight, even if, as Len says, you looked like two rhinos trying to escape from a cargo net. This also can have a kind of beauty. But not that sombrero. The sombrero has got to go."
America's Next Top Lama
"You have performed well, Kenneth. You correctly picked my own sunglasses from the pile, but perhaps you saw me wearing them yesterday, when we were filming on the beach. Also I had a vision of a Taco Bell last night, although it was not like the one where you work, but more like the one in the mall near my hotel. Perhaps I was just hungry! In any case – congratulations. You move to another level. Jeremy, unfortunately we must say goodbye. Good luck in your next life."
