I have been with my boyfriend for six years. We met at university and have tried living together in his hometown twice. We recently went travelling together and, on returning to the UK, we moved to a city that was between our two hometowns. As a couple, we got on well but neither of us managed to integrate wholeheartedly. I was hurt when he told me he was accepting a job back home without consulting me – he would be commuting three hours each day.
Just after this decision, I found out I was pregnant. It was a shock and his immediate reaction was to “get rid of it”. I felt completely on my own and cut off from my support network, and so, with regret, we came to the unimaginable decision to terminate.
I decided that if we terminated the pregnancy there would be no reason to stay together. Some days I am overwhelmed with regret; it was a choice made out of panic and not feeling certain that our relationship was stable. Yet, despite this ordeal, I wasn’t strong enough walk away and have followed him back to his home. In the past few months I have learned that his younger brother and fiance are expecting their first baby, which, I am ashamed to admit, causes me pain. Their relationship is an emblem of everything our relationship isn’t. I question why we’re not engaged and with our baby. Everything has been an upward struggle and I know the relationship is toxic, yet I feel unable to leave.
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