Before the finals begin in earnest, can we take a moment to consider the 2018 home and away season the way we might ponder a symphony by Johannes Brahms, or Bob Murphy’s denim shirt collection?
According to literary scholar Christopher Booker, every narrative, from Anna Karenina to The Bite Club, can be reduced to one of only seven master plots. Arguably Anna Karenina incorporates both “Tragedy” and “Quest”, while the first episode of The Bite Club tended at times to do away with narrative entirely.
But remarkably, the story of the penultimate round of season 2018 contained every narrative.
Plot one: Quest
The quest is your boilerplate sporting narrative that sustains whatever overly wrought Peter Dickson documentary Foxtel’s football channel will air towards the end of the year. With just one week to play it’s not too soon to start despairing over a sequel that can’t help but be inferior to last year’s blockbuster.
Plot two: Comedy
The patrons at Kardinia Park haven’t laughed so hard since 30 July 2011 when they blew Melbourne’s doors off with the second biggest victory in VFL/AFL history.
On Saturday afternoon, only Fremantle’s competitive first quarter saved them from going past Melbourne’s dubious honour. After leading by nine-points at quarter-time, they conceded the remaining three by 142 (!) points. On the way, Geelong kicked the final 23 goals of the game, smashing the previous AFL record of 16 unanswered goals, while inflicting upon Fremantle its heaviest defeat since they traded out pick one (Luke Hodge) and pick 36 (Sam Mitchell) for Trent Croad and Luke McPharlin.
Plot three: Rags to Riches
In 1990 Richmond had a dozen full-time staff, a debt of $1.7 million, a turnover of less than $2 million, and were being sued for outstanding salaries by 22 former coaches and players. Instead of handing back the keys to the AFL, their 6,000 members rattled tins and sizzled sausages as part of the Save our Skins campaign. Even as their finances improved, they were the punchline to a thousand footballing jokes.
After Friday night’s eight-point win over Essendon, the reigning premiers sealed the McClelland Trophy and their 20th consecutive win at the MCG. Last month, they became the first sporting club in Australia to reach 100,000 members. The Tigers are money.
Plot four: Tragedy
With the hindsight provided by 20-odd years, Carlton’s 1995 premiership has a last days of Rome feel to it. Let’s pause here to single out its then president John Elliot who proved to be the classic definition of a tragic hero – so gifted (two premierships), so flawed (three salary cap breaches), so damaged (he literally had his name torn off a grandstand as the club imploded), and so beautif… okay, not the classical definition.
Some argue the havoc wrought by Elliot’s Comedy of Errors is still being felt today, thanks to Sunday afternoon’s gut punch that delivered the club its fifth wooden spoon since 2002. But many football fans would argue that like Shakespeare, Carlton has blurred the boundaries between the genres of tragedy and comedy; Elliot’s recent comment that he believes Carlton to be headed in the wrong direction is a case in point.
Plot five: Killing the Monster
Melbourne has not played finals for 12 years. And this year, just like the last, it seemed determined to find new ways to disappoint their supporters. When West Coast hit the front midway through the last quarter in Perth on Sunday, you felt that the Dees had not just set up camp in “Tragedy” but had poured concrete into the foundations. But Melbourne (uncharacteristically) steadied and buried the demons (pun intended) of not having beaten a team in the eight, with a performance that was, while uncharacteristically measured, also filled with enough dizzying flair to suggest their finals journey might just be a memorable one.
Plot six: Voyage and Return
Watching the Geelong life member, hall of famer and two-time Carji Greeves medallist rack up 25 possessions and a goal on Saturday, it was easy to forget that Gary Ablett Jnr’s return to the Cats after seven years on the Gold Coast was considered quixotic. It all sounded so sensibly cynical. But having played all but four games this year, and Geelong having more or less booked their spot in the finals, the 34-year-old’s dream may not be an impossible one after all.
Plot seven: Rebirth
Halfway through last year’s season, the coaching future of Collingwood’s favourite son Nathan Buckley looked grim. You felt that he’d either be sacked before the end of the season, sacked at the end of the season or nobly fall on his own sword when the Magpies missed the finals… again. But Collingwood held firm, and after a riotous seven-goal final quarter on Saturday afternoon set up a 51-point win over Port Adelaide, the Pies sealed a spot in September and kept their top-four aspirations alive.
Chris Mayne is the personification of the Collingwood story. Almost as soon as the unrestricted free agent put pen to a four-year, $2 million contract towards the end of 2016, Mayne became arguably the AFL’s VFL’s most slandered footballer. On Saturday, playing his 16th consecutive game, Mayne continued his renaissance with 27-possessions and is set to play more than a walk-on part in the Pies’ first finals campaign since 2013.
