West Coast 18.13 (121) defeat Melbourne 7.13 (55)
That’s it. It’s over. Who picked a Collingwood-West Coast grand final at the start of the year? You? You’re a genius. We’re going to put you in a tank and study your brain. At least tickets will be easier to get. But as an inspiring grudge match, I can’t say it entirely whets the appetite.
Well done to West Coast. They were dross a few years ago, but they’ve roared back into contention this year. The big challenge for them is to match this effort in Melbourne, without their home ground and home crowd.
Tough day for Melbourne. They fell apart, let’s be honest. Right from the start, before West Coast had even done anything, the Demons were slipping over and missing targets. It was all a bit too much for them on the big day, and once you start to slip, it’s hard to pull things back. If you don’t score in the first half, you make things just a bit tricky for yourself. West Coast didn’t need to dominate, they just needed to pick apart Melbourne’s mistakes. Ten goals to zip by half time, and that was that.
Four goals for Kennedy, three each for Cripps, Darling, and LeCras. An impressive spread. Redden with 31 touches, Sheed with 27. Brayshaw had 29 and Oliver 26 for the Demons. Melksham with a brace was their only multiple goalkicker.
Game over man, game over. No, was over a long time ago. One more match for the season, at the MCG next Saturday afternoon. See you then.
Goal! West Coast 18.13 (121) to Melbourne 7.12 (54)
4th quarter, 1:20 remaining: Jack Redden kicks the last goal and beams with delight. The Eagles are happy, at least. Think of that, if you ever feel sad. Happy Eagles. Everyone loves eagles. Symbol of freedom in the country with the largest prison industrial complex in the world. Emblem of politicians who want the right to mount machine guns on their civilian Humvees. Mascot of the most beloved sporting teams, like Manly, and Philadelphia, and West Coast. Eagles, who give everyone a lift home at the end of Lord of the Rings, after we’ve just spent 18,000 pages on the outbound journey by foot. Eagles, yeah.
Goal! West Coast 17.13 (115) to Melbourne 7.12 (54)
4th quarter, 4:08 remaining: Willie Rioli adds a sweetener for the Eagles. The Dees go forward but Petracca can’t find anyone with the pass. Life is meaningless.
4th quarter, 5:30 remaining: A couple more points for the Dees in the last few of minutes, including one after some lightning footwork from Salem. But there’s really nothing left in this game now. It’s 109-54.
There’ll be no Grand Old Flag today, and the West Coast song is trash, so let’s have the greatest song in the league: the Greater Western Sydney Giants. Oh, you want receipts? No other club has the sousaphone in its song. Case closed.
Goal! West Coast 16.12 (108) to Melbourne 7.10 (52)
4th quarter, 11:00 remaining: Well that’s ruined the party. No new bottle for the Melbourne fans, as young Mark Hutchings has a snap from the 50 arc and sends the ball bouncing through the unattended goal. The benefits of quick movement.
Goal! West Coast 15.12 (102) to Melbourne 7.10 (52)
4th quarter, 11:50 remaining: Another one for the Dees! Neal-Bullen marks just inside 50. Plays o instead of taking his shot. Goes into the pocket looking for Weideman, who is two on one and deep. Shocking decision. But Weideman somehow knocks the ball in front of himself, plays on, scrambles it into his arms, and runs into the goal square! Melbourne just need nine goals in 11 minutes, they’re well within the frame of the Leigh Matthews rule. A dead cert.
Goal! West Coast 15.10 (100) to Melbourne 6.10 (46)
4th quarter, 16:50 remaining: What a grab from Harmes! He takes a ride on McGovern’s back at the attacking 50 as West Coast try to clear. He goes back and hoofs a long, swerving, Roberto Carlos kind of ball that finally, inexplicably, spits in the face of physics and hangs right for a goal. This after Max Gawn marked and missed a sitter from straight in front 30 out, as is his preferred style. The Melbourne fans near me have instituted a policy of opening one bottle of sparkling wine per goal their team scores. Currently the decision is still not extravagant.
Three-quarter time: West Coast 15.10 (100) to Melbourne 5.9 (39)
Melbourne kicked five, but so did West Coast. A more competitive score for the Demons, but they benefited from the Eagles taking it slightly easier. As you can when you’ve kicked ten goals to none in the first half. And for all that Melbourne was able to score, the Eagles took each goal back without much fuss. We’re tailing into junk time now, folks, and we’ve got a whole quarter of it to go.
Updated
Goal! West Coast 15.10 (100) to Melbourne 5.9 (39)
3rd quarter, 1:20 remaining: Quickly down the other end, and Joel Smith gets on the end of a bouncing ball. Runs on towards the goal square. Slams it home. Melbourne have kicked five for the quarter.
Goal! West Coast 15.10 (100) to Melbourne 4.9 (33)
3rd quarter, 2:00 remaining: Ok, that one gets an exclamation mark. A completely accidental goal from Darling, who picks up the ball at 50, hoofs it into the pocket, and sees it bounce at a crazy angle to the left, then left again, then right, and dribble through for a goal. What. The. Fudge.
3rd quarter, 2:50 remaining: You can tell when it’s not a team’s day. Melbourne’s forward line is empty, there’s a long kick into that space, Mitch Hannan runs back for the easiest goal of his life... and then the ball lands and bounces about 30 metres vertically, so by the time it comes back down he’s being tackled. It spills free. He gets up and runs onto it again. Picks it up again. Has another chance at an open goal. And is tackled for a second time. Two open goals, and twice he doesn’t even get the kick away.
Goal. West Coast 14.10 (94) to Melbourne 4.8 (32)
3rd quarter, 6:19 remaining: I’m not using exclamation marks for these anymore. I hate exclamation marks anyway, given their cheap and tacky implication of excitement, but there’s no excitement here any more. The Eagles are home. They’re not stopping though. Darling finds an easy chip pass to LeCras. He slots his third. His team doesn’t even look like anyone is trying any more, and they’re doing it easily regardless.
Goal! West Coast 13.9 (87) to Melbourne 4.7 (31)
3rd quarter, 8:59 remaining: Another counter for the Eagles. Venables this time with the set shot from the pocket. One, two, one, two, this game goes on and on with the regular click and clack of an approaching steam train ready to smash us to smithereens.
Goal! West Coast 12.9 (81) to Melbourne 4.7 (31)
3rd quarter, 10:20 remaining: A chance for back-to-back goals for the Demons! Petracca with the ball inside 50, looking for an option, chips back to Brayshaw. But his set shot misses. The ball comes back into the forward line again, a centring ball, Melksham wins the free kick 20 out. He kicks it! They have scored two goals in a row, which seemed like the most distant realm of fantasy during the first half.
Goal! West Coast 12.9 (81) to Melbourne 3.6 (24)
3rd quarter, 13:08 remaining: It’s goal for goal at the moment. Melbourne again, a forward surge, a punch free at full forward, a loose ball, and Mitch Hannan snaps on the left running into the left forward pocket at pace and curls it back. Great finish.
Goal! West Coast 12.9 (81) to Melbourne 2.6 (18)
3rd quarter, 14:20 remaining: Order restored once again. Cripps snaps his third. The Eagles are strolling through the park.
Updated
Goal! West Coast 11.9 (75) to Melbourne 2.6 (18)
3rd quarter, 16:10 remaining: What sorcery is this? A 50-metre penalty for Melbourne in midfield, Jake Melksham gets led into the forward line by the umpire, and converts the shot. Two goals for Melbourne! Two! TWO. DOUBLE THE NUMBER OF ONE. What is happening?
Goal! West Coast 11.9 (75) to Melbourne 1.6 (12)
3rd quarter, 17:50 remaining: And it does. Another missed handball, another turnover, another Eagles surge, and LeCras rolls the goal home from 30 out.
Goal! West Coast 10.9 (69) to Melbourne 1.6 (12)
3rd quarter, 19:00 remaining: Um. I don’t how to to tell you this, but... Melbourne scored a goal. Into the forward line from the centre bounce, after several more missed targets on the way. Clayton Oliver picks it up with his back to goal. Goes one way. Goes the other. Looks for an option. Can’t find one. Eventually straightens up himself, and eases it through from 30. The Melbourne fans in the room I’m in launch into an impromptu rendition of It’s A Grand Old Flag. That was their moment. Normal service will resume shortly.
Half time: West Coast 10.9 (69) to Melbourne 0.6 (6)
Almost the saddest thing about that half of football was that several Demons got involved in a melee on the siren. You don’t deserve that, fellers. It’s been a massacre. One side fell apart before the first goal was even scored, and the other has kept itself together. That’s the tale of the tape. Eagles good, Melbourne absent. Nine touches in a half for Viney, five for Jones, three for Gawn. Kennedy has four goals for the Eagles. I’m going to lie down for a minute.
2nd quarter, 0:40 remaining: Melbourne had two of the simplest chances to get a set shot in the dying minutes of that quarter. Both missed the intended target by a distance. Then Petracca wins a free kick right next to the behind post, and Petracca bends around another point with under a minute to play. Melbourne have an entire goal, collectively, at 69-6.
Updated
Goal! West Coast 10.9 (69) to Melbourne 0.5 (5)
2nd quarter, 2:30 remaining: “Why are they saying they’ve kicked the last 10 goals when they’ve kicked the only 10 goals?” asks a wise soul seated near me. Max Gawn tries to punch away a throw-in in his defensive 50. The rebound is picked up and pumped to full-forward. Darling soccers through the goal. Eagles into double figures on that measure, and up to 69. Nice.
Updated
2nd quarter, 4:48 remaining: Charlie Spargo got a free kick, got a 50 metre penalty, and got a shot from 20 metres out. I didn’t even bother preparing a ‘Goal!’ line ahead of time because I was that sure he would miss it. He did. The Demons have nearly cobbled together an entire goal from points now. Nearly. It’s 63-5.
2nd quarter, 06:01 remaining: David Neitz is in the Perth Stadium grandstand wearing a pair of lurid claret trousers. Maybe they should get him to strip off the wine-strides and head to full-forward?
Goal! West Coast 9.9 (63) to Melbourne 0.4 (4)
2nd quarter, 7:20 remaining: Down the other end, Kennedy marks just inside 50 on a tight angle, but threads the goal regardless. Every goal West Coast kicks, they add more than Melbourne’s entire score for the half.
Updated
2nd quarter, 8:21 remaining: Melbourne fumble, fumble, fumble. Miss more targets. Fall apart. This is a shocker. Finally they get a West Coats fumble that lets Clayton Oliver in for a running shot at goal. They might get their first! The Melbourne supporters near my position all go up. Fed Square goes up. Oliver hits the post. It’s 57-4.
Updated
Goal! West Coast 8.9 (57) to Melbourne 0.3 (3)
2nd quarter, 13:03 remaining: Oh, this is heartbreaking for Melbourne. They’re going to be absolutely annihilated today. Still goalless, a long ball comes into West Coast’s forward line, it should be punched through, but somehow Mark LeCras managed to slap it vertically down on the goal line, get some part of his heel to it, and see it trickle over for a goal. Melbourne still haven’t scored one, if you were wondering.
Goal! West Coast 7.9 (51) to Melbourne 0.3 (3)
2nd quarter, 13:20 remaining: Willie Rioli in the pocket, takes a mark, lets it slip, then juggles it to the extent that he does a Harlem Globetrotter spin on the tips of his fingers as he falls to ground. Style points. He misses the set shot from the pocket, trimming the post. But the ball inevitably comes back from the Melbourne kick-in, and Liam Ryan goes up an invisible stepladder, taking a speccy without using anyone else for support. Huge mark at full forward, and Ryan can’t miss from straight in front.
Goal! West Coast 6.8 (44) to Melbourne 0.3 (3)
2nd quarter, 18:14 remaining: If they keep going at this rate, the Eagles will break the 186 margin by the end of the quarter. Out of the middle, a pass to Kennedy on the lead, he shoots from 50 and has his third. Easy as pie.
Goal! West Coast 5.8 (38) to Melbourne 0.3 (3)
2nd quarter, 19:10 remaining: The Eagles aren’t going to give Melbourne a chance to steady. Straight from the centre bounce, into the forward line with a wobbly ball, a handball across the face from Venables, and Kennedy snaps his second goal.
Updated
Quarter time: West Coast 4.8 (32) to Melbourne 0.3 (3)
Well, well. What a thrashing. Melbourne may have the better tragic story, but that’s clearly for a reason. They’ve been smashed this first quarter, and smashed themselves. Skill errors, turnovers, fumbles. Their midfield has gone missing: Nathan Jones had the ball twice in the quarter, Viney three times, Tyson four. They haven’t kicked a goal. West Coast have murdered them on the counter, and been cleaner in possession all day. The only thing the Eagles have done wrong is miss a few gettable goals. Turn 4.8 into 8.4 and the game would be over already. As it is now at 29 points, it’s only probably over, but the Dees have been resilient this year and still have the chance to pull a Kylie Minogue and spin this one around.
Goal! West Coast 4.8 (32) to Melbourne 0.3 (3)
1st quarter, 1:07 remaining: The Eagles have kept Melbourne in the game with inaccuracy this quarter, but that trend can’t go forever. Finally Cripps kicks a straight one, dodging around a player from 40 out. The ball has spent most of the quarter in West Coast’s forward line, and the weight of numbers has told.
1st quarter, 2:10 remaining: Finally a good passage of play for the Demons – a good mark at full back, a sequence of passes to half forward – but Petracca gives away a free in the marking contest. The Eagles are getting the better of the umpiring so far. Back it goes down the other end for another West Coast behind. Through the centre, another fumble from Brayshaw, and he gives away another free. Into the Eagles arc, where Tom McDonald for the Dees punches it into the 20th row. Melbourne clear defence but fumble again in the centre! Back it comes to the left forward flank where Kennedy wheels around and kicks a long... point.
1st quarter, 5:38 remaining: Darling marks again, this time deep in the pocket thanks to a lovely pass from Rioli, but he hits the post on the run-around. Viney gets the ball on the run out of defence, we’ve barely seen him today, and he turns it over with a long ball up the wing. Back it comes for Venables to snap a point from the pocket. Back to the midfield come the Dees, and turn it over again, this time by hand. They’re a rabble in these early stages. This time it hurts them to the full measure as LeCras snaps a goal. Or does he? They belatedly review it, and the video shows the ball was touched. Didn’t see who got a hand to it, but his little finger visibly twitches as the ball goes by. So it’s 24-3 rather than 29-3.
Goal! West Coast 3.3 (21) to Melbourne 0.3 (3)
1st quarter, 8:27 remaining: Fine margins. Spargo slips in the centre square as he’s running in to receive a handball. West Coast win the loose ball and send it forward for Darling to mark. He makes no mistake this time! This is looking ragged already.
1st quarter, 9:07 remaining: McGovern is in trouble, the big Eagles defender. He goes down in the goal square after a heavy contest for an incoming ball, and he’s hobbling off looking a bit proppy on one leg. Might just be a cork, but the look on his face isn’t good. Petracca got him with the knee in the thigh, on the replay. Or maybe just above the knee? Eagles are killing them on the counter, but Jack Darling kicks wide. It’s 15 plays 3.
Goal! West Coast 2.1 (13) to Melbourne 0.2 (2)
1st quarter, 13:10 remaining: Another chain of handballs from Melbourne, but going backwards from their full forward to the arc, where Joel Smith’s flying shot misses to the left. It comes back through the centre this time, thanks to a fumble and a missed tackle, and the Eagles take full toll. It was Brayshaw who fumbled the receive. West Coast are on the counter, and Jamie Cripps receives the ball unopposed and runs into the goal square to pump it onto the grandstand roof.
Updated
1st quarter, 14:43 remaining: A good tackle from Neal-Bullen inside 50 forces a ball-up, but Melbourne can’t take advantage. The ball comes back out to the wing and out of play, then the Dees wrestle it back inside 50. Melksham snaps the loose ball but pushes it to the far side from the left pocket. They’re off the mark, at least.
Updated
Goal! West Coast 1.1 (7) to Melbourne 0.0 (0)
1st quarter, 16:10 remaining: Interesting. Josh Kennedy marks on his chest 40 out, straight in front, but fades the set shot right. He normally gobbles those. It doesn’t even make the line and gets punched clear. But there’s a horror turnover from Lewis after he receives from Jones - went across the face, missed the target, and Kennedy grabs the intercept and does from open play what he couldn’t from the set shot.
1st quarter, 19:13 remaining: The ball heads the Eagles’ way from the first bounce. Jetta kicks it out on the full in defence. It comes back into the pocket, then Willie Rioli wins a free kick for some push and shove off the ball. He kicks a point on the run-around set shot. It’s 1-0.
Nathan Jones wins the toss, and Melbourne will kick in one of the directions. Big news. Now they’re all having a big cuddle, which is nice.
On team news, Bayley Fritsch is the unlucky Demon to miss out, with Joel Smith the lucky one. For the Eagles, Brad Sheppard is injured and Will Schofield is in.
A little cross-code promotion here. I’m sure there are some AFL fans who also care about NRL? Right? And therefore you will be interested in Billy Slater looking like he could miss his fairytale farewell.
Preamble
One prelim down, one to go. And let me lay my cards on the table from the outset. The Guardian is an august publication, known for its unyielding impartiality on all matters that it reports. Well, not today. Today we are all barracking for the Melbourne Football Club, as they take on the West Coast Eagles in Perth. This is not for any reason of team loyalty, but simply because it is the far more interesting course of action.
If West Coast make it into the grand final, that will be of interest solely to fans of West Coast. If Melbourne make the grand final, that will be of interest to anybody who is invested in the grand human tapestry of tragedy, comedy, emotion, legacy, and Jeff Farmer.
There isn’t much you can say about the West Coast Eagles. Despite having been around for decades, they have never managed to grasp the public imagination. They still feel like a new implanted artificial team. They are shiny and samey, like the million brushed-aluminium chairs of Perth cafes. Also they’ve been far too successful for any self-respecting tragic football club. They won a couple of flags only a few minutes after being founded as a club. They triumphed again during their epic tussles with Sydney in the mid 2000s, and that was during their white line fever era marked by Ben Cousins where they were not just winning, but arriving at games straight from nightclubs and winning. They had a couple of bad years, but were back up the ladder far more quickly than was dignified or correct. Over the course of their history they’ve kept coming relentlessly in waves of blue and gold, like Teutonic Superman. It’s not that interesting, and it’s just not fair.
Melbourne, on the other hand – well, you could not find a more busted-arse club than Melbourne. They had their glory days way back in the time of Ron Barassi, and not much since. Their last flag was over 50 years ago. They’ve been competitive at times, like the 80s team of Stephen Febey, Gary Lyon, Jim Stynes, etc., or the early 2000s team with Farmer, Russell Robertson, Adam Yze, and David Neitz. But even then you felt like whatever success they had was built on the sporadic brilliance of a few individuals, rather than the broader base of a team that could actually support success.
It seems like the latter is what they have now. This is a new, young, dynamic team that applies pressure and offers contributions across the board. There is no major star, just a collective effort. And their long-suffering fans are loving watching a team that plays like this one.
Melbourne probably won’t win, because winning in Perth is very very hard. It’s as simple as that. But if they do win, they can win a flag next week. And I for one can’t sit here and pretend that I don’t want that to happen. I would probably rupture something. I don’t even barrack for Melbourne, but that’s the way things are. They’re a better story.
If you feel differently, or feel the same, will have something else you want to tell me, let me know. You can email geoff.lemon@theguardian.com, or tweet me @GeoffLemonSport. Let’s get this hopelessly biased show on the road.
