The final analysis
Carlton were kicked from pillar to post tonight; 47 fewer disposals, a 20-tackle discrepancy and though there was an evenness to most other statistical categories, that obscures the harsh truth that the Blues are football napalm right now.
The positives for Carlton, if any? Ed Curnow kept Joel Selwood to 16 touches in a brilliant tagging effort, Kade Simpson continued his life’s work punching above his weight in defence and Troy Menzel kicked 4 goals, taking the few opportunities he had. Otherwise few of Mick’s men beat their direct opponent and there’s a listlessness about Carlton’s efforts that casts a real pall over their immediate prospects.
The Cats did their job, punishing an inferior opponent in generally ruthless style. The aforementioned Mark Blicavs gathered 27 possessions, 8 marks, 14 hit-outs and approximately 325 glowing mentions from the Seven commentary team. Jordan Murdoch was also excellent with 26 touches and 4 goals in a break out performance, while Josh Caddy had 23 and 3. All up 13 Cats kicked goals, an accurate reflection of their dominance in nearly every match-up.
And now, one more development on Mick vs the brass as Blues CEO Steven Trigg is interviewed by Seven’s Mark Stevens. “We’ve been very much on the same train,” he says of his relationship with the coach. Is his nose literally growing now? Asked whether Malthouse is on his way out Trigg adds a flaky, “Not as far as I know.” You really wouldn’t call that categorical support. There’s a small group of Carlton supporters giving him hell as he conducts the interview but Trigg maintains his sense of humour and concludes that the Malthouse situation will be reviewed in the second half of the season. I bet it will.
That’s all from us for tonight. Thanks for joining us for this installment of Friday night football and make sure to stop by for more live action throughout this AFL season.
It's all over - Geelong thump Carlton by 77 points
Geelong 21.8 (140) vs Carlton 9.9 (63)
Jordan Murdoch has a long shot from outside 50 but it’s a behind, a fitting end to the game really. Geelong have flogged Carlton by 77 points and Carlton’s crisis keeps rumbling along in achingly-predictable fashion. I’ll be back in just a minute with some stats, but the scoreline says most of what you need to know. The Blues have been dacked.
In bizarre style, the game finishes with Cameron Guthrie asking Chris Judd if he’ll swap jumpers. And he does. I shouldn’t say it’s bizarre, it’s quite touching really. Judd’s the one you’d want. That’ll look a treat in the pool room.
Geelong goal! 4th quarter (1:50 remaining) Geelong 21.7 (139) vs Carlton 9.9 (63)
Doesn’t Patrick Cripps look a class above the rest of Carlton’s younger brigade? It’s like you’re playing one of those soccer management games where you take charge of Aldershot FC and somehow manage to sign Harry Kane.
Just for something completely different Geelong kick a goal and this time it’s Mitch Clark. Mick Malthouse looks like someone just uploaded his lifetime Google search history on the big screens at the ground.
Updated
Geelong goal! 4th quarter (4:58 remaining) Geelong 21.6 (132) vs Carlton 9.9 (63)
Pleasingly as far as I’m concerned, Dennis Cometti has basically abandoned any pretense of calling the game and instead switched to commenting only on Mark Blicavs. It’s like the big Cat is Zidane and Dennis is Mogwai. Or something.
Anyway, Blicavs takes another half a dozen marks in defence before the ball swings down the other end for Rhys Stanley to join the swollen goal-kickers list. I’m pretty sure even David Spriggs will end up kicking a goal tonight and they traded him 11 years ago.
Updated
Geelong goal! 4th quarter (7:35 remaining) Geelong 20.6 (126) vs Carlton 9.9 (63)
This game has degenerated so far that even Jordan Murdoch is shanking drop punts. The only one out there who looks fresh is Mark Blicavs and he’s playing so well that he’s been the subject of a 5-minute froth-fest by the Seven crew. Fair enough I suppose, he’s turning out to be a gem for the Cats.
AS all that’s happening, Stokes crumbs a pack crunched by Bews and does the unselfish thing, centering to Kersten rather than blazing from the boundary. Kersten gets his second and it’s just party time for Geelong now. They should initiate mad dares at this point; only kick on your non-preferred foot; rush a behind from 50 metres out; try and head a goal.
Updated
Carlton goal! 4th quarter (10:57 remaining) Geelong 19.6 (120) vs Carlton 9.9 (63)
Did Jason Tutt just try and handball to himself? Stick with the people you can trust, I guess. As he does that Mick Malthouse is staring intently through a pair of binoculars, possibly in the hope he’s able to locate a nice Gold Coast timeshare apartment on the horizon, one with padded walls and an unlimited mini-bar.
In the absence of hard liquor, I can only confirm that the game is currently in a holding pattern of scrappy congestion and tired turnovers. Any Carlton fans who remain should be personally chauffeured home by a member of the Blues playing squad. Among that squad, Tom Bell has been unusually quiet tonight and falls just short of scoring a goal when Rhys Stanley gets a last-gasp touch on his goal-bound set shot.
The Carlton players are certainly staying ‘on message’ though, as long as that message is ‘wouldn’t it be great to have the number one pick again?’ Menzel eventually boots through his fourth when the ball sits up nicely in the goal square so he can volley it through.
Updated
Geelong goal! 4th quarter (19:01 remaining) Geelong 19.6 (120) vs Carlton 8.8 (56)
Take a bow, Ed Curnow. This game is all but over but still he pursues Joel Selwood like a skinnier Dog The Bounty Hunter. Has he literally just administered a citizens arrest? Either way Josh Caddy’s just kicked his third and the man on the mark, Chris Yarran, looks like he’s already checked out for the night.
Updated
Mick Swearengen
Brendan Brown is back. “Bad Wood” said Dennis Cometti after Cameron Wood gave away a stupid free kick.” he notes. “Staying with the mini series theme I would say “Deadwood” to describe his game tonight.”
Three-quarter time - why isn't this over yet?
Three-quarter time - Geelong 18.6 (114) vs Carlton 8.8 (56)
Here’s a positive: Carlton probably won’t lose by 20 goals. Here’s a negative: they look perfectly capable of losing by 12 goals every week for the rest of the year. Here’s another negative: I only just realised that Levi Casboult is playing in this game.
Here’s the greatest positive of all: the third term is over.
Geelong lead this by 58 points after piling on 7 goals for the quarter. They could send their Little League team out after the break and still win this one.
Geelong goal! 3rd quarter (2:47 remaining) Geelong 18.5 (113) vs Carlton 8.8 (56)
It’s a little unfair that Shane Kersten has been unable to snag a goal so far tonight but he does become the 12th goalscorer for the Cats after Tuohy kindly grapples him in full view of the umpire only 20 metres from goal.
Carlton goal! 3rd quarter (4:44 remaining) Geelong 17.5 (107) vs Carlton 8.8 (56)
I can’t help but hold the top-knot against him (I’m a petty, petty man), but Troy Menzel kicks a career-high third goal here after yet more niggle between Joel Selwood and Ed Curnow. To be brutally honest I think a few more in the crowd would hang around if they just called the whole thing off now and had a Selwood-Curnow cage match in the middle of the ground.
Geelong goal! 3rd quarter (6:28 remaining) Geelong 17.5 (107) vs Carlton 7.8 (50)
Jordan Murdoch is just tearing it up tonight. There’s been plenty of signs along the way but he’s never really grabbed a game by the scruff of the neck like he’s done tonight. What a joy to watch a young player having that moment. Or not, if you’re Steven Trigg almost snapping your glasses in half in the stands.
Mark LoGiudice doesn’t look too happy either, especially when Cats defender Tom Lonergan kicks a goal. They might all get one by the end of the night, even the trainers.
Geelong goal! 3rd quarter (9:24 remaining) Geelong 16.5 (101) vs Carlton 7.7 (49)
Jordan Murdoch gets his fourth goal within a minute of Armfield’s and again it showcases his exquisite left boot to great impact. It’s like the best of Mark Bayes and Jared Polec combined.
Carlton fans are not happy...
Bryce Gibbs off the ground with a ripped tutu #AFLCatsBlues
— The People's Elbow (@craigunderscore) May 22, 2015
Carlton goal! 3rd quarter (10:52 remaining) Geelong 15.5 (95) vs Carlton 7.7 (49)
These two sides are like a classroom full of feral high school kids taking the mickey out of a substitute teacher, but Carlton claw one back through an unlikely source in Dennis Armfield. Seven’s Cameron Ling doesn’t hide his distrust of the Armfield kicking action but he sticks it right up him, as EJ Whitten once said.
Updated
Geelong goal! 3rd quarter (10:52 remaining) Geelong 15.5 (95) vs Carlton 6.7 (43)
The battle between Ed Curnow and Joel Selwood tonight has been a beauty. That byplay has undoubtedly played a role in incidents like the one that saw Selwood give away that last free. Another talking point is the effort or lack thereof shown by Blues ruckman Cameron Wood. Is that a bit harsh? He looked like he squibbed one contest but he’s also thrown himself head first into plenty of others.
Anyway, Selwood gets one back after Wood decks him, winning two 50-metre penalties and goaling from point blank range. Cameron Wood is a very angry man right now. You’d also have to say that it does show that he cares. Frankly, I like the lad.
Carlton actually kick a goal! 3rd quarter (12:48 remaining) Geelong 14.5 (89) vs Carlton 6.7 (43)
And even sweeter for Blues fans, it’s when Joel Selwood gives away a 50-metre penalty for biffing the ball away from Troy Menzel after he’d successfully nabbed Rhys Stanley holding the ball. Menzel puts it away from 40 metres to save a bit of face. Just a bit.
Geelong goal! 3rd quarter (13:26 remaining) Geelong 14.5 (89) vs Carlton 5.7 (37)
Just for something completely different, Geelong go inside fifty in search of another goal but Kade Simpson holds the fort like like a chihuahua acting as yappy guard dog in front of a gated mansion. After Geelong has repelled a Blues entry, James Kelly marks 40 metres from goal and kicks his first in a couple of years. Good on him, he deserves some good luck.
Geelong goal! 3rd quarter (16:10 remaining) Geelong 13.5 (83) vs Carlton 5.7 (37)
Zac Tuohy is a little bit unlucky here; he takes his eyes off the ball for a split second to shepherd Caddy out of a marking contest and gets pinged for it. Caddy is loving it and goals from a little further out this time -35 metres or so - for his second in the space of a minute. Will Carlton fight back as they did in the second term or roll over? It’s not looking good at the start of the third term.
Geelong goal! 3rd quarter (16:46 remaining) Geelong 12.5 (77) vs Carlton 5.7 (37)
The third term gets under way in positive style for the Blues and Dale Thomas is haring about like a madman trying to generate some scoring activity. Carlton trap it inside forward zone for a brief period before Jed Bews streams through the middle in eye-catching style to send Geelong inside 50.
It’s hardly champagne football at the moment but Geelong are certainly pressing and applying pressure. Caddy sharks the spillage of a throw-in (a tap from Selwood, as it turns out), turns onto his right boot and snaps perfectly from 25 metres out to goal. Knock me down with a feather.
What went right and wrong in that half
...but first, watching Neale Daniher address the Melbourne players about his battle with MND is making me wonder whether we should really be getting upset over matters as trivial as tackle counts and centre breaks. Geez, is someone cutting onions?
But back to the grind and those aforementioned stats, Carlton have been trashed in the tackle count, 26-18, and also trail in clearances (21-19), stoppages (14-11), inside-50s (26-18), marks inside 50 (9-5) and contested possessions (64-60). So in summary, they’re not doing much right.
What’s been most alarming is the ease with which they’ve conceded goals; so many uncontested marks in positions favorable to the opposition. Jordan Murdoch has 3 goals for the Cats, Mitch Clark 2, while Tom Hawkins, Cory Gregson, Joel Selwood, Cam Guthrie, Darcy Lang and Steve Johnson all have one. Everyone’s getting involved.
Leading the disposal counts for Geelong are Blicavs (12), Thurlow, Stokes and Kelly (all 11) and defensive pillars Tom Lonergan and Jared Rivers have been superb.
The Blues have had some triers, to be fair. Kade Simpson (14 touches), Jason Tutt (13) and Marc Murphy (12) have all done their best.
Half-time - Geelong well on top despite Carlton's best intentions
HALF-TIME - Geelong 11.5 (71) vs Carlton 5.7. (37)
Hmm... There’s a moment of hope here after all. With seconds remaining and to the probable chagrin of Chris Scott, the Cats leave Troy Menzel a little too loose and he marks 45 metres from goal with a realistic shot at trimming the lead.
But he doesn’t. Story of Carlton’s season, really. Even when they do the right thing they end up doing the wrong thing. Geelong take a 34-point lead to the main break and I’ll be back shortly to run an eye over all the stats.
Updated
Geelong goal! - 2nd quarter (1:37 remaining) Geelong 11.5 (71) vs Carlton 5.5. (35)
For what seems like the 850th time tonight, Geelong win a free kick from the centre bounce and Selwood pumps them forward. Motlop hits the post attempting a dribbling miracle goal from the tightest of angles near the boundary but no matter, moments later Joel Selwood expertly lowers his shoulder and draws Cripps into high contact in dangerous territory 30 metres from goal.
There’s nearly some karmic redress when the Geelong skipper’s set shot swings perilously close to the post but it just sneaks through for six points. Carlton are stuffed now, let’s be honest.
Joel Selwood "doesn't duck", says the Duck on #AFLCatsBlues. If it ducks like a duck, it's a ducking duck, Duck.
— Paul Montgomery (@m0nty) May 22, 2015
Geelong goal! - 2nd quarter (3:00 remaining) Geelong 10.4 (64) vs Carlton 5.5. (35)
The Cats are really charging now an this time it’s Rhys Stanley sprintint through the middle without a man near him and arrowing a high pass down the corridor to Mitch Clark. Clark marks strongly in front of Simon White and from 25 metres out, makes no mistake. Danger times for the Blues now. They’d put up a decent fight in the last ten minutes but those two quick ones hurt.
Geelong goal! - 2nd quarter (4:15 remaining) Geelong 9.4 (58) vs Carlton 5.5. (35)
Carlton turn it over in the middle of the ground and amid the mad scramble inside Geelong’s 50, Murdoch tackles Armfield to the ground and nabs his third goal from the resultant free kick. Should that have gone against him though? It looked a bit push-in-the-back-y to me.
Carlton goal! - 2nd quarter (6:35 remaining) Geelong 8.3 (51) vs Carlton 5.5. (35)
The good thing about Carlton is that it’s never long before they revert to type. After Bryce Gibbs misses a straightforward tackle, his opponent sticks it on Tom Hawkins’ chest but the Cats forward misses to the left from 40 metres.
The Cats reload through the middle with Johnson finding Stokes just on 50 and then the latter angles a neat pass into the corridor to the marauding Hawkins. Again his kick is a stinker, a Kernahanesque helicopter now that I see the replay. It misses to the right this time.
Carlton whip it down the other end and Jones finally does something useful, trapping the ball and with two defenders hanging off him, tapping it into the path of fellow ex-Dog Jason Tutt. Tutt snaps neatly from point blank range for the goal. Didn’t see that coming at all.
How are Carlton still in this?
Everitt to Jones to Tutt for a goal. Nice work, BlueDogs. #AFLCatsBlues
— Gigs (@AndrewGigacz) May 22, 2015
Updated
Carlton goal! - 2nd quarter (10:21 remaining) Geelong 8.2 (50) vs Carlton 4.5. (29)
It’s a little bit hard to know what to make of this game right now. Does it say more about Carlton than Geelong? The latter look impressive but they’re hardly being pushed.
Right as I make that point, Carlton do the right thing by me and rebound with murderous intent and completely against the run of play. It ends up with Yarran who caresses his set shot straight through the middle from 25 metres out on a slight angle.
Geelong are kicking lasers and have Velcro hands. It's bloody impressive.
— Myles (@Deers_23) May 22, 2015
Geelong goal! - 2nd quarter (12:36 remaining) Geelong 8.2 (50) vs Carlton 3.5. (23)
“Selwood and Curnow - it’s not the first time they’ve had a wrestle but that time there was a ball involved” is how Bruce McAvaney starts the next passage of play. What a sublime piece of commentary. We’ll miss him when he’s gone.
Geelong appear to have been stunned back into life and immediately set off in search of another goal. Jed Bews blasts away and misses but about 10 metres further out soon after, Jordan Murdoch makes no mistake, crisply stroking another one on that truly lovely left boot of his. The reverse angle replay on that one is a thing of beauty. I hope he’s got a few more of those in him tonight.
Geelong goal! - 2nd quarter (14:44 remaining) Geelong 7.1 (43) vs Carlton 3.5. (23)
Liam Jones Alert! In the absence of what Cameron ling calls a Geelong “sweeper” at the bounce, Marc Murphy wins an emphatic clearance forward and hits the aforementioned forward on the chest. Unfortunately Jones’ shot on goal from 40 metres out makes John Butcher look like John Coleman. Not only is it wide, it doesn’t even make 30 metres. Remarkable.
Moments later Jones tries to make amends with a spectacular mark on the wing but even with a dash of athleticism, he makes that look like quantum physics too. Did he headbutt it? Darcy Lang, on the other hand, is a dab hand and goals on the run from the resultant rebound to steady the Cats.
Cartlon goal! - 2nd quarter (17:25 remaining) Geelong 6.1 (37) vs Carlton 3.5. (23)
We’re under way in the second term and unfortunately for Carlton, Craig Bradley and Steve Kernahan have failed to strip for the occasion. Just as I digression, my copy of Kernahan’s book ‘Sticks’ - purchased at an op shop - is touchingly inscribed, “Dear Caleb, Get a dog up ya, Steve Kernahan.” It’s a sentiment a lot of Carlton supporters could probably get behind right now, especially after Menzel’s farcical shot on goal to start this second quarter.
No matter, completely against the flow of the game, Dale Thomas continues in the goal sneak role and...well...sneaks a goal. It’s a snap from close range and he’s rapt. Chris Yarran can claim a lot of the credit. Carlton cling on. Just.
Moments of hope amid the gloom
In a touching move to restore some sense of sanity for Blues supporters, Seven have taken the opportunity to replay highlights of the 1995 Carlton Premiership triumph. Brad Pearce could probably do a better impression of a key forward right now, actually, and he’s 43 years old.
Quarter Time - Geelong are all over Carlton early
QUARTER TIME - Geelong 6.1 (37) vs Carlton 2.4. (16)
The Blues have a chance to pinch another but Ed Curnow misses culpably from 35 metres out, directly in front. Despite their best efforts to do so, Carlton avoid conceding any further scores so Geelong will take a 21 point lead to the first break. It feels like more. They’re killing the Blues so far.
Carlton goal! - 1st quarter (1:18 remaining) Geelong 6.1 (37) vs Carlton 2.3. (15)
Mitch Clark seems to be playing in every position on the ground right now. He’s winning it out of the ruck and he’s also a target up forward. The Blues could just do with 18 players capably managing the one role they’ve been given.
“Just a correction. It was James Kelly who suffered the ruptured testicle, not Stokes,” says Brendan Brown. Did I say Stokes? I apologize unreservedly and hope both of their tackle boxes are in perfect order as we speak. Can’t be a pleasant experience.
Anyway, I’m going to floor you here and let you know that the ball is deep inside Geelong’s 50 with the threat of further scoring imminent. Murdoch gets a chance but sprays it across goal and out on the full to the noticeable chagrin of Tom Hawkins, who perhaps expected a pass. Or to be tagged into a Royal Rumble, who knows? There’s more comedy when Sam Rowe marks on the goal line and then plays on around the post, blotting Geelong’s copybook with a rushed behind. It’s Carlton’s best scoring avenue right now, to be honest.
Or maybe not. After much scrapping and scrounging, Dale Thomas finally goals with one of those snaps of his. Blues fans can stop punching their seats for a minute.
Geelong goal! 1st quarter (7:42 remaining) Geelong 6.0 (36) vs Carlton 1.3. (9)
I can’t even keep up with the goals at the moment. It’s like the Socceroos against American Samoa. Cory Gregson plays Archie Thompson this time, goaling from a set shot thirty metres out. The Cats can’t miss. Sounds like an American sitcom star of the early 90s, ‘Cory Gregson’. Something with Suzanne Somers in it. Anyway, even if he can’t act he can kick at goal.
Geelong goal! 1st quarter (8:57 remaining) Geelong 5.0 (30) vs Carlton 1.3. (9)
Robbie Warnock gives away a dubious free kick in the middle of the ground and two kicks later it’s in Steve Johnson’s hands metres from goal after Tuohy refuses to go with him in the contest. Johnson converts, of course. Geelong look savage at the moment.
Carlton goal! 1st quarter (9:39 remaining) Geelong 4.0 (24) vs Carlton 1.3. (9)
I mentioned it early in the game but Kade Simpson is doing a power of work for the Blues, risking life and limb throwing himself into marking contests and it’s on account of that tenacity and a bit from Bryce Gibbs that Carlton win another forward entry. It ends up in the hands of Troy Menzel. Not unduly burdened by his own terrible hair (enough with the top knots, AFL footballers) he converts from 15 metres out and the Blues are finally on the board.
Geelong goal! 1st quarter (11:48 remaining) Geelong 4.0 (24) vs Carlton 0.3. (3)
Dale Thomas misses again from a spot fairly close to the last but as opposed to the Cats forwards, he does so under considerable pressure. Geelong’s rebound is an almost carbon copy of before and this time Mitch Clark wins ‘pass the parcel’, marking almost uncontested 40 metres out and then hammering the set shot through. This is very ugly, very early.
Meanwhile, reader Ian Swan has some questions. The first: “What was Tomahawk putting on his shorts?” I’m not sure Ian but that tackle on Tutt made me think he might also smash a baking tray of the poor kid’s head.
His second: “And what are those red bottles that so many of the coaches are drinking out of this season?” Honestly, they’re football-shaped water bottles. I’m sorry, I have nothing humorous to add. That’s what they are.
Geelong goal! 1st quarter (13:58 remaining) Geelong 3.0 (18) vs Carlton 0.1. (1)
Carlton get their first shot on goal when Cameron Wood shows surprising dexterity for one who looks such a lumberer, gathering the ball and handpassing to Dale Thomas but the latter sends a low-flying snap across the face for a throw-in and then misses another chance for a minor score.
Geelong rebound quickly to Jordan Murdoch, who marks a metre inside the 50, straight in front and sort of shapes to pass but mainly as a token gesture to the concept of teamwork. What a he really wants to do is trot back and nail the goal himself and he duly does. Not a bad approach, really.
Geelong goal! 1st quarter (15:49 remaining) Geelong 2.0 (12) vs Carlton 0.0. (0)
Upon the re-start, Bruce McAvaney is full of admiration for Matthew Stokes’ brave return from a ruptured testicle and makes no bones about giving us all of the gory details, like some battle-scarred country nurse. Bit of a change-up from Wayne Carey’s soliloquy on Mike Tyson earlier...
Anyway, Geelong are all over this now and with barely an opponent in sight, Cameron Guthrie strolls in to an open goal after Mitch Clark had done the hard stuff. The Blues are really battling early.
Geelong goal! 1st quarter (17:41 remaining) Geelong 1.0 (6) vs Carlton 0.0. (0)
Caddy wins the first clearance after he’s tackled without the ball but Geelong’s forward entry is cut off by a theatrical, diving Kade Simpson. His hair is worse than Bryce Gibbs and Dylan Buckley combined but boy can he play. He’s worth three men in this side.
It’s congestion city inside Geelong’s fifty but things spring to life when Jason Tutt takes too long to clear from 20 metres out, directly in front, and gets virtually body-slammed to the turf by burly Tom Hawkins. He’ll be seeing stars, Tutt. Hawkins makes no mistake with the shot on goal and Geelong are off to the races.
Joel Selwood wins the toss
...and kicks to the left of screen. I’d tell you which end he’s facing but the roof’s closed, meaning it counts for bugger all anyway. That’s what I’m here for, readers, all your hard-hitting analysis of end changes.
Our first email!
And it’s a regular in Brendan Brown making me feel loved. “I’ve never seen ‘The Killing’ but I would say Mick Malthouse reminds me of Tony Soprano of the highly acclaimed ‘The Sopranos’,” he starts. “Outwardly feared and respected by his underlings while being undermined, ridiculed with even attempts to take him out by those supposedly most supportive of him.”
So who is Sal then? Brad Green? I wouldn’t fancy his ability to unflinchingly dump a body in deserted woodlands, would you? On the other hand, I could totally imagine Mick Malthouse lecturing his young players about being “the strong silent type - like Gary Cooper.” Has anyone ever asked him for his view on Gary Cooper? I’d almost pay to see that in the post-game presser.
Both teams are warming up and Mick’s up for another chat
...and in the annals of warm-ups, it’s been the standard stuff; mock tackling where only the truly unhinged guys go hard, lots of fast hand-balling, Dylan Buckley fastidiously adjusting his alice band. If I was Mick, I’d be declaring war on some of the haircuts his players are sporting. If it needs an alice band it’s time for a number one all over.
Mick has trotted across and joined the Seven on-ground team of Bruce McAvaney and Cameron Ling? Will he open up a vein again? I can’t stand the suspense!
He doesn’t. Well, not explicitly. He’s talking up the enthusiasm the young players will bring to the team but then stresses, “we want to be competitive...On Monday morning I think we can win.” So he’s sort of saying it’s not a rebuild, right?
Cats coach Chris Scott is a little more pessimistic than you’d expect. He’s talking improving “continuity” for his forwards but soon digresses. “If they smash us in that area then we’re going to be in trouble,” he says of Carlton’s surprisingly good stoppage numbers. Settle down Chris, I think it’ll all work out.
Geez I wish I was watching this on Foxtel and not via the standard Seven feed like it’s 1994 or something.
Dermott Brereton's bed hair game is strong tonight.
— Ethan (@ethan_meldrum) May 22, 2015
More on that Malthouse-Trigg contretemps
There’s lots of juicy quotes here from Carlton CEO Steven Trigg. Here’s my favourites:
“Mick’s been involved in every list management meeting over the summer and pre-season, and therefore knows the work that’s in front of us and the plan that’s in hand to build Carlton back to a dominant position.”
“He also knows that we chose to deliberately use that phrase.”
That phrase being “rebuild”, not, “staying on message”, which seems like the kind of statement that would make Malthouse remove his glasses, wildly gesticulate and then shoot a ball of flames towards his boss in the style of Dhalsim from Street Fighter.
The teams tonight
Carlton have swung the axe again, dropping four after last week’s insipid display. Meanwhile, Cameron Ling has just suggested that Carlton give Matthew Kreuzer the boot at the end of the season in return for something close to Pick 50. Ouch. Even more bad news: Andrew Carrazzo is a late withdrawal and he’ll be replaced by Robbie Warnock. Not exactly like-for-like...
Carlton
Sam Rowe, Simon White, Zach Tuohy, Chris Yarran, Ed Curnow, Dale Thomas, Chris Judd, Kade Simpson, Dennis Armfield, Bryce Gibbs, Jason Tutt, Troy Menzel, Liam Jones, Patrick Cripps, Cameron Wood, Robbie Warnock, Marc Murphy, Tom Bell, Sam Docherty, Levi Casboult, Andrejs Everitt.
Sub: Dylan Buckley
Geelong
...will be far more settled and welcome back Andrew Mackie, the Premiership star who has been missing since Round 2 with a quad injury. He’ll start in the roadworkers’ vest.
Jared Rivers, Tom Lonergan, Jed Bews, James Kelly, Corey Enright, Harry Taylor, Joel Selwood, Mathew Stokes, Steven Motlop, Mitch Clark, Jordan Murdoch, Cory Gregson, Tom Hawkins, Darcy Lang, Rhys Stanley, Steve Johnson, Josh Caddy, Mark Blicavs, Cameron Guthrie, Shane Kersten, Jackson Thurlow
SUB: Andrew Mackie
Good evening and welcome to the (next) Carlton Football Club Civil War
I’ll use the acronym CFCCW from here on in, okay? Hello all and as I said, welcome to not only this 8th installment of Friday night football for 2015 but in the past few hours, the apparent descent of Carlton Football Club into even greater farce.
Now Mick Malthouse is at war with the board, it appears, labeling the club’s talk of a rebuild as a “big mental hurdle” for his players. Their response? On his way into the ground, Blues CEO Steven Trigg has complained about the coach not being “on message”.
The only message Carlton fans are picking up at the moment is that their club is in freefall. Corporate jargon might not be the best approach right now, Triggster. The Carlton faithful would also have found it hard to enjoy the interview that key position star Lachie Henderson has just given Seven. Asked whether he could be headed elsewhere at season’s end, Henderson directed the conversation towards his need to improve on his output over the last few weeks. Which would improve his market value, I guess.
Anyway, we have a game on our hands tonight and the Blues enter it as significant underdogs given they’ve been football roadkill for weeks now. They’ll face Geelong, hardly setting the world on fire themselves but certainly not engaging in public slanging matches as they walk in from the car park. It’s 13th vs 18th and on a perverse level, I can’t wait.
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Russ will be here shortly but in the meantime have a read of his preview of tonight’s game.
Lest there be any doubt about the severity of Carlton’s current predicament, the axe has swung again this week (or is it a dartboard system?) with all of Matthew Watson, Matthew Dick, Kristian Jaksch and David Ellard omitted from the side that was steamrolled by the now far-superior GWS squad. The Blues sit stone motherless last with only one win and the worst defensive record in the league. That’s before mentioning a forward line so impotent that Liam Jones – who threatens to usurp Murray Vance, Shaun Hampson, Geoffrey Edelsten and maybe even Captain Carlton in the annals of Carlton’s great whipping boys - will slot straight back in at full-forward after being banished to the VFL himself only a week back.
All of which is to say that this Carlton side is so bad that Geelong supporters are probably a little fearful that something will eventually go right for the Blues. It has to at some point, right? Still, the Cats’ ‘ins’ this week (James Kelly, Andrew Mackie and Tom Hawkins) are a pretty hardy bunch to call upon and the situation appears even more bleak for Carlton when you consider how few of their selected players (Judd? Carrazzo?) are likely to get the better of their direct opponents.
It’s grislier than Scandinavian noir for the Blues now and the fascination within this clash is likely to be of a similarly morbid brand. On that note, please make sure you join us on the Guardian goal-by-goal live blog for this game, perhaps emailing in to let us know which Carlton player most resembles a character from The Killing.
The rest of the round preview can be found here - but my early nomination is Mick Malthouse as Sarah Lund; always going into dank, dark places without backup. Your thoughts?
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