I bet you miss the good old days, Arnold Schwarzenegger (@Schwarzenegger), when you were the self-styled governator of California, family by your side, bouncing between parties with Gorbachev ("Great party. Even at 80, Mikhail Gorbachev is still rocking") and bike rides with Boris ("Loved riding Boris Bikes in London with the man himself, Mayor Boris Johnson.") Good times.
Sadly your wife finding out you have a 10-year-old son with the housekeeper was bound to dampen the mood. Dealing with a divorce on Twitter is a very modern problem and you are going to need a few pointers. So, listen up, Sperminator.
Stay classy
You've kept very quiet since the whole secret son thing blew up. Your family, however, have been more forthcoming, with wife Maria Shriver (@maria shriver) already landing the first blow in the battle for the hearts of the twitterati, tweeting "Thank you for all the kindness, support and compassion. I am humbled by the love. Thank you." Your son Patrick (@PSchwarzenegger) changing his Twitter profile name to Patrick Shriver has got to sting a bit too.
Rule of thumb: when dealing with a Twitter divorce, watch what Peter Andre (@mrpeter andre) and Katie Price (@miss katieprice) do and do the exact opposite. No online spats over the children and no rubbish ITV2 "I can make it on my own" TV series. Stay classy, Arnie. Albeit belatedly.
Beware of Sinitta
There are few things that will promote solidarity among The Sisterhood more than mutual dislike of a hound dog. Eighties popstar Sinitta (@sinittaofficial), in particular, is baying for your blood. Last week she couldn't even concentrate on American Idol, tweeting in the middle, "Thank God Oprah is by Maria's side! Sisters. On side . . ." I don't even think being "so macho" is going to get you out of this. Watch your back.
Hook up with old friends
Remember when you did the film Twins with Danny DeVito (@DannyDeVito) and it was so funny because he was so small and fat and you were so tall and muscular but you were playing TWINS? Oh, we laughed. Why not in touch with Danny and bring back funnies? You're going to need a distraction.
Hasta la vista, baby, @scouserachel
