ADHD and Christmas have never been easy bedfellows as those of us with the disorder can attest. We find get-togethers stressful at the best of times; add clashing personalities, forced jollity and the impossibility of escape and the festive season can be hard to bear.
Last year I spent the big day with friends at their remote country house, forgetting that the family had recently acquired a sweet but overbearing Labrador. Like many ADHDers I suffer from hyperacusis, a condition where the brain struggles to filter noise; everyday sounds appear much louder than they actually are leading to overwhelm, distraction, anger and even physical pain. For me it’s ambulances, pubs and incessant barking. But while the other party guests appeared blissfully unaware of the Lab’s vocal contortions the noise sent shockwaves through my cerebral cortex.
My brain struggles to filter noise, so everyday sounds appear much louder than they actually are leading to overwhelm, distraction, anger and even physical pain
The cacophony of the Christmas dinner table offered little in the way of a respite as tipsy guests bellowed inanities at each other across plates of congealed sprouts. My inability to process sound meant I struggled to filter out background noise leading to over stimulation and yet more anxiety.
During the meal I found it impossible to focus on a single conversation as my distracted mind flitted between rival exchanges. The person sitting next to me eventually gave up, leaving me in painful isolation praying for the meal to end. As the wine continued to flow the terrible tumult reached deafening proportions with the pulling of crackers finally sending me over the edge. With tiny explosions ringing in my ears I made my excuses and went for a long walk just so I could be on my own for a while until the next round of fresh hell.
As we gathered in the sitting room to hand out presents anxiety quickly turned to ‘sensitivity rejection dysphoria’, an extreme emotional reaction which left me feeling paranoid and unloved
As we gathered in the sitting room to hand out presents anxiety quickly turned to ‘sensitivity rejection dysphoria’ an extreme emotional reaction triggered by the perception you are being rejected or criticised by people you care about. This particular facet of ADHD can be horribly destructive as it leaves us feeling powerless, paranoid and unloved.
As the afternoon continued I became increasingly convinced that my lame, poorly wrapped presents and lack of dinner table etiquette meant everyone now saw me as a grumpy old Scrooge who had single-handedly ruined Christmas.
If you’ve never experienced SRD you probably think I sound like an over-indulged, self-obsessed loser and perhaps you’re right - oh look there I go again - but while neurotypical people undoubtedly struggle with rejection, that sense of falling short, of failing to meet your own high standards hits the over-sensitive ADHD brain particularly hard. Many of us are self-abasing perfectionists giving weight to the Greek definition of dysphoria meaning “difficult to bear.”
This year to avoid another round of yuletide-induced trauma I have set myself some festive boundaries. One of the perks of having ADHD is that we are happy in our own company. So this year there will be no cacophonous dinner table to endure. Instead I have booked myself a table for one at Quaglinos, a favourite restaurant I used to frequent with my father. He died exactly a year ago so it seems fitting tribute to honour his memory with some quiet contemplation and a plate of pan fried stone bass. Although the restaurant’s famous art deco interior has excellent acoustics (my father also hated noise) I will be packing a pair of noise cancelling headphones just in case.
After dropping by Brompton Oratory for some much needed spiritual succour I will be ready for a dopamine hit. ADHD is strongly linked to dopamine deficiency meaning we crave excitement, which is why I’ve lined up all three Godfather movies, none of which I have seen. Hyperacusis meant I gave up on noisy cinemas a while back but this year I have bought myself a projector so I can enjoy the excitement of the big screen without being deafened by the latest Atmos Dolby Surround Sound and those irritating popcorn munchers.
For the first time in years I’m actually looking forward to Christmas Day so if you suffer from ADHD remember it’s perfectly normal to struggle at this time of year. If you’re spending it with family or friends you just need to explain that you’re not weirdly self-centred, just different. And remember to set strict boundaries and don’t be pressured into ‘having fun’ if you’re feeling overwhelmed.
Meanwhile for all you neurotypicals reading this, apologies if you think I’ve been over-sharing my Christmas anxieties but hey, that’s also the way we roll.
