INDULGING IN PORK PIES
The Fiver doesn’t usually do sympathy. But when a man who has built his reputation on being generous in feeding hungry hacks what they want to hear, has a pop at someone deemed lazy, occasionally (very occasionally! – Fiver Ed) inspired, but ultimately capable of so much more if only they cared, well, this tea-timely email can’t help but side with that someone.
And that someone is Adel Taarabt. You see, when ‘Arry Redknapp accused the occasional QPR playmaker of being “around three stone overweight” after the club’s 3-2 defeat by Liverpool on Sunday, the Fiver’s first thoughts were that Taarabt must be dodging salads, necking Tin and gobbling great handfuls of pies Monday to Friday instead of dodging cones, necking protein shakes and other stuff associated with being a handsomely-paid professional footballer.
But then we saw a photo of Taarabt on the training field recently, and we were somewhat surprised. Now don’t get us wrong, he wasn’t going to be mistaken for a long-distance runner, but neither was he a ringer for Jabba the Hutt either. So it’s easy to understand why Taarabt had the raging funk on when he went storming into tabloid offices this morning claiming he was a kilo lighter than last season (2.2lbs in old money, reader) before demanding that hacks take a picture of his tensed torso and sticky-out undies.
“I am a professional – this is not about retaliation, this is about protecting my reputation,” he sniffed, worried that potential future employers may think he’s fat and not just lazy. “My job is to create, bring goals to the team. Maybe he expects me to make more tackles. I am not this type of player. I can only get fitness playing in the Premier League. You can train six or seven hours, but you won’t be fit,” he exhaled, before finally breathing in again.
And it wasn’t long until Redknapp started feeding the press again. “The only reason he has lost weight is because he has had tonsillitis,” he said, suggesting Taarabt has miraculously dropped three-stone since Sunday. “That’s the only way we could get any weight off of him,“ he added, making it sound – rather disturbingly – like QPR deliberately made the Moroccan ill to get him into shape.
“He is the worst professional I have ever come across and I have been his only ally at QPR for the past three years. He doesn’t try and I have protected him for too long,” continued Redknapp, perhaps getting a bit closer to what he means because, as the Fiver knows all too well, you don’t have to be fat to be lazy. “Even I could suck my stomach in for a picture and look OK,” he honked.
The Fiver doubts it. Perhaps if anyone is indulging in pork pies, it’s the QPR manager.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“He hadn’t realised just how big United is as a club. Maybe David [Moyes] felt that at such a massive club he had to be sure that all corners were covered in terms of his support system. I felt that network was already there, with plenty of great people already in important slots … Chelsea started the current season as favourites for the title, with a squad that also had six players in their 30s. I don’t hear any grumbles about the age of their group. Antiquated was a bizarre description of the structure I left behind at Manchester United. Have you seen our new training ground?” – Lord Ferg, in a new chapter of his updated booky wook that could carry the subhead It Wasn’t My Fault, refuses to take a share of the blame for Manchester United’s failings.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I clicked on the link to Juan Mata’s blog in yesterday’s Fiver. It looked very impressive for the first few minutes, but then crashed spectacularly and hasn’t worked the same since. Not even Roy Keane’s autobiography captures a player’s entire career so viciously and accurately quite so quickly” – Daniel Rice
“Re: the malfunctioning link in my missive (yesterday’s Fiver Letters). Thanks Fiver. My ‘friends’ (as a Fiver reader, I don’t really have any) are used to seeing my punchlines fall flat. Seeing it happen in the correspondence section of a national tea-time email doesn’t help” – Jonathan Foulkes.
“When you reported that everyone’s favourite Moroccan had failed his gaffer’s pick-up test, I speculated as to whether ‘Arry Redknapp could pick up all of his other players. Junior Hoillett? Easy. Joey Barton? A bit awkward but probably not beyond the old man. But there is surely no way ‘Arry could raise Richard Dunne even an inch off the ground. It’s no wonder his back’s giving him trouble. If Louis van Gaal has the same test, that’s bad news for Anderson” – Maurice Murphy.
“Re: savoury snack-based cures for Athletic Bilbao’s European hangover (yesterday’s Fiver). Having ‘studied’ in Bilbao and nursed multiple hangovers on a weekly basis at a time when the crisp selection was generally fairly poor, I only hope they are getting better snacks to soak up the txakoli with these days. Salt and vinegar Hula Hoops would definitely have been handy during the 2002 World Cup, as would Lucozade” - James Connors.
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BITS AND BOBS
Real Madrid have confirmed that Gareth Bale will miss tomorrow night’s Big Cup clash with Liverpool due to glute-knack and may also have to sit out the weekend clásico with Barcelona, presumably on a very soft cushion or rubber ring.
Whoever runs West Brom’s Twitter account has responded to people who got the hump with their fate-tempting ribbing of Marouane Fellaini shortly before he scored against them last night. “Sorry if a joke about a footballer not having a shirt on under his tracksuit top has caused such outrage,” they tweeted in response to several complaints, including one from Man Utd reserve goalkeeper Anders Lindegaard. “It was not intended as a slur.”
As the tedious saga rumbled on, West Brom later insisted what was meant to be a joke about the Belgian being naked under his tracksuit on a freezing night at the Hawthorns was taken out of context. “We are extremely disappointed that our tweet was taken out of context by mischief-makers,” honked a club statement.
Fiorentina have announced that the latest knee-knack to have blighted Giuseppe Rossi’s career is on the mend and the striker will return to Italy from America, where he’s being treated, in a month or so. “The assessment revealed the meniscus suture is healing in the correct way,” diagnosed a club statement. “There will be a gradual increase in weight loads until the next scheduled inspection in three-four weeks. After this period, the athlete will return to Florence.”
And Mark Wotte has quit his role as Scottish Fitba Association performance director. “I am proud to have been the Scottish FA’s first performance director leading this nationwide project and I leave safe in the knowledge that this great [fitba] nation is on the rise again,” said the Dutchman.
STILL WANT MORE?
Gregg Bakowski’s picture byline makes him look like the kind of lag Oscar Pistorius might want to avoid in the exercise yard of his new digs. Here’s his take on a Liverpool v Real Madrid Big Cup clash of yore.
Jamie Jackson is more of a Reni hat kind of man, but looks fairly hard too. Here’s what he had to write about Marouane Fellaini’s return to something resembling form.
Jack Williams doesn’t have a picture byline, but his Twitter mugshot suggests his hairstyle would be ruined by a hat. Here’s a feature he wrote on New York Cosmos.
Simon Burnton rarely wears a hat, but has on occasion been known to dress up as a bear at birthday parties. Here’s his two cents on the hiring and firing culture in English football.
Dashing Southampton striker Graziano Pellè stars as Roy of the Rovers and a not so tiny dancer in this week’s The Gallery.
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