A survey from William Hill has come up with a deeply dull list of 50 things that every man needs to know. Wiring a plug, knowing the offside rule, polishing shoes, changing tyres … and 46 other things that even the world’s most boring dad would think are cliches. So here’s an alternative rundown of 50 tasks that modern males really do need to master:
1. How to cheat with your smartphone at pub quizzes and not get caught.
2. How to make a huge drama out of having a common cold, describing it as “heavy flu” and taking to your bed with a bad case of self-pity for days on end.
3. How to change a duvet cover without swearing, getting stuck inside it or turning into Mr Bean.
4. How to conceal your pained expression when somebody informs you that they’re vegetarian, gluten-intolerant or teetotal.
5. How to mansplain effectively, especially on Twitter, then act outraged and baffled when a woman subsequently blocks you on Twitter.
6. How to find Top Gear hilarious and tell any naysayers that it’s “just banter”.
7. How to avoid catching the eye of pregnant women standing up on public transport because you’re quite comfy in this seat, thanks.
8. How to fix virtually any technical problem by turning things off and then on again.
9. How to refuse to ask for directions when you get thoroughly lost, as a matter of manly pride and immense stubbornness.
10. How to use the word “brunch” without sounding like a massive bellend.
11. How to say “sorry” grudgingly and gracelessly under your breath when forced to apologise, with no eye contact or sincerity whatsoever.
12. How to turn off keypad tones on your phone so you don’t drive everyone around you insane.
13. How to leave a trail of crumpled clothes, damp towels, wet toilet seats and hairy plugholes behind you in the bathroom.
14. How to make tired jokes during Wimbledon about Andy Murray being Scottish when he loses and British when he wins. C’mon Tim!!! MEGALOLZ.
15. How to diplomatically avert a blazing row between a drunk girlfriend and a cab driver.
16. How to grow a beard and become a bit of a bore about it, constantly stroking it like it’s a beloved pet.
17. How to fake extensive knowledge of craft beers and artisan breweries even though you secretly prefer big-brand lagers.
18. How to subtly slag off Jamie Dornan, Ryan Gosling, Eddie Redmayne and Benedict Cumberbatch without looking unattractively jealous.
19. How to make such heavy weather of ironing a shirt that a nearby female gets annoyed watching you and takes over.
20. How to tell a Tinder date you’re 39, not 29, and four inches shorter and two stone heavier than you said in your profile.
21. How to bluff your way around a wine list, even though you always end up choosing Merlot or Sauvignon blanc.
22. How to talk to waiters, cabin crew, baristas and call-centre workers without being an idiot.
23. How to talk to builders and other tradespeople without becoming an exaggerated parody of a geezer because you think it’ll make them like you.
24. How to shamelessly send JustGiving sponsorship requests every time you go for a run/swim/walk/bike ride/holiday.
25. How to halve it whenever asked how many sexual partners you’ve had or how many units of alcohol you drink a week.
26. How to self-consciously spray fragrance into the air in front of you and then “walk through it” because you read about this in a magazine once.
27. How to take a selfie that makes it look like you’re far thinner and happier than you actually are.
28. How to begin every single group email with “Apologies for the group email …”
29. How to talk to foreign people in a slowed down, slightly shouty impression of their own accent.
30. How to use your girlfriend’s shampoo, moisturiser and eye cream whenever you stay over without her spotting you and seething about how expensive it was.
31. How to check appliances are plugged in and turned on properly so you don’t humiliate yourself by calling out a maintenance engineer unnecessarily.
32. How to greet someone with the correct amount of handshakes, hugs and airkisses without accidentally snogging them full on the mouth or doing an awkward “Ooh, shall we, no, yes, OK, one or two, aha, steady on” ritual.
33. How to dry laundry by draping items over every spare inch of radiator in the entire house, with socks dangling precariously off the ends.
34. How to become obsessed with “life hacks” that save no time whatsoever.
35. How to spend way more time moaning about taking exercise, dressing for it and warming up than you do actually exercising.
36. How to pretend you understand the difference between rugby union and rugby league, apart from one’s northern and the other’s posh.
37. How to ignore any health problems and not go to the doctors until it’s pretty much terminal or your limbs are hanging off by a thread.
38. How to annoy your fellow TV viewers by habitually flicking around the channels during every ad break and causing them to miss vital moments of their favourite show.
39. How to master the art of arriving at weddings late, just in time for the start but late enough to make the whole experience stressful and sweaty.
40. How to leave the radio/TV/light on in every room in the house without seeming to try.
41. How to suck your teeth and describe it as “a tasty fixture” regardless of who your football team is drawn to play in a cup competition.
42. How to absent-mindedly shove your hands down any pair of shorts/tracksuit bottoms and rummage with your genitals without realising you’re doing it.
43. How to drive your film-viewing companion insane by repeatedly nudging them and saying “this is a good bit” when watching something you’ve seen before.
44. How to still find it hilarious when you fart, even after decades of doing it.
45. How to lose every pair of gloves and umbrella you own, apart from that impractically out-sized golfing one with a corporate logo.
46. How to leave every saucepan, utensil and work surface in the kitchen dirty after you’ve cooked.
47. How to download vast numbers of apps that you use only once.
48. How to turn lighting a barbecue or assembling flat-pack furniture into a major production, like you’re inventing fire itself or carving a chair out of a tree trunk with your bare hands.
49. How to travel to different time zones yet remain strangely obsessed with what time it would be if you were at home.
50. How to leave a snarky comment under every article you read online, even though it’s free and nobody forced you to read it.
