TOURÉ DE FORCE
Blackeye Rovers medics have devised a special fitness test for Rudy Gestede before tonight’s FA Cup replay against Liverpool at Ewood Park. The hulking striker has a tight hamstring and the pre-match workout will consist of him being asked to scrunch his face into a scowl and shout “boo!” very loudly while team-mates scurry hither and thither in his vicinity. If he can do that, he’s more than ready to scare the bejaysus out of a Liverpool defence so jittery that they get motion sickness just walking out on to the pitch.
Suspensions for Martin Skrtel and Emre Can mean that Kolo Touré is set for action again, hot off his acclaimed portrayal of an Ivorian Frank Spencer during Saturday’s 90-minute skit at the Emirates. Dejan Lovren could also start despite doubts about his fitness, his confidence having taken a fearful bloody shoeing by dint of him being declared unworthy to be cast ahead of the troupe that put on that show at Arsenal. In a bid to soothe Touré’s nerves, Brendan Rodgers may also bring in Glen Johnson, whose exemplary calmness under pressure should never be confused with just not giving a damn.
Even better, Simon Mignolet has declared that he will continue inspiring confidence in Touré the way he did on Saturday. “Before the game [against Arsenal], Kolo reminded me that I had to keep him on his toes with it being his first game for a while,” hurrahed the goalkeeper, as an interjection from Alexis Sánchez flew straight over his head. “Organising the defence is something that is very important and I try to do my best every single day in training to make sure the lads get the information they need,” continued Mignolet, as Mesut Özil offered him some information that he completely failed to grasp.
Rodgers is desperate to get his selection right tonight in order to salvage something shiny from a glum campaign. “The FA Cup would certainly give us a great boost as a team, with lots of young players and players coming into the club,” trumpeted Rodgers, whose contribution to the Anfield trophy cabinet since taking charge nearly three years ago has consisted of hiring nimble technicians to give it an occasional scrub. “That was the key thing for me, to get the group challenging at the top end of the league and for trophies,” continued Rodgers, who took over at a time when the club was in the throes of a trophy drought that had been going on for nearly four months.
The Rovers manager Gary Bowyer reckons that his own side’s knack bother means Liverpool have a great opportunity. “We have so few players we will be wondering about having to play the kitman, who has a dodgy knee,” quipped Bowyer, possibly as Rodgers pondered putting in a transfer bid.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I was in Harrods with my wife and my son for some shopping and I forgot to pay [for] a honey jar and some sliced meats we had previously ordered. While exiting the shop unaware of my oversight, I was stopped by security guards which then called the police as a standard routine procedure. As I wasn’t carrying with me any identity documents at the time, I was asked to go to the nearest police station in order to be identified after which I left and went back home. Hence, I have now instructed my lawyers to protect my image with all necessary legal actions against those who reported this inaccurate and tendentious news” – Leyton Orient’s Andrea Dossena issues a statement via his Mr 15% after he and his wife were arrested by police on Tuesday afternoon.
REBOUND OF THE DAY
5 April: “It is an opportunity we would be foolish to ignore. This summer is our chance to reflect, refresh and rebuild” – Torquay boss Chris Hargreaves on the club bringing in Paul Sturrock to work alongside him.
8 April: “Sadly the involvement of Paul Sturrock as an advisor at Torquay United has come to an end after [he] was offered a permanent contract at another club” – a club statement fires up some Eric Carmen.
FIVER LETTERS
“I wonder if The Fiver is aware of a different kind of footballer who already has the Stop Talking movement (Fiver passim) well under way. Marshawn Lynch, American hero and serial crotch-grabber/not-sure-which-camera-to-look-at-er has made it his personal mission to frustrate assorted hacks and delight the trolling American public with one-word or one-phrase answers at the media appearances that he is required by the NFL to attend. Perhaps The Fiver could take up his statement – ‘I’m just here so I don’t get fined’ – as its personal motto?” – Preston Goulson.
“‘Test marketed the campaign at Montessori level’? Has The Fiver ever more perfectly illustrated the demise of the working-class fan than in this phrase in Nigel Byrne’s letter yesterday. Montessori level, good lord” – Jason Tew.
“Re: ‘RIP Devilfish’ (yesterday’s last line), a sad day indeed. One of the funniest men in poker, my favourite of his one-liners came in London as he was approached outside a casino by a beggar who recognised him: ‘Any change Devilfish?’ to which he replied: ‘No, still got the big house and the Range Rover’” – Gary Oakes.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Gary Oakes.
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BITS AND BOBS
Vitesse Arnhem are rubbing their hands with glee upon news that Chelsea are planning to snap up Southampton pair Morgan Schneiderlin and Nathaniel Clyne.
Wigan chairman David Sharpe insists new boss Gary Caldwell will remain in charge regardless of which division the Latics are in next season. “That shows how much I believe in Gary,” cheered Sharpe, before explaining his bullishness: “I’ve known with my granddad, he’s got a reputation for making decisive decisions and I’ve learned from the best.” Oh.
After watching his Aston Villa side come within a Christian Benteke hat-trick of losing at home to QPR, Tactics Tim has backed his Belgian forward to keep them up. “Christian’s pulled one out of the bag for us late in the game,” purred the gilet-hurling extraordinaire.
Tijuana midfielder Juan Arango has been banned for two matches for getting a bit Luis Suárezy during a recent game.
Roy Keane has denied committing a public order offence in an alleged road-rage incident with taxi driver Fateh Kerar, and will face trial at Manchester magistrates on 19 June.
Gabon will host the 2017 Africa Cup of Nations.
And Argentinian ref German Delfino has been suspended for a game after overturning his decision to award a penalty and red card when his assistant saw a replay on a TV monitor in one of the dugouts and told him to change his mind.
STILL WANT MORE?
Our very own Alan Pardew wannabe, Ed Aarons, donned his bib and laid out some cones as he discovered what it takes to start out on the long road to becoming a football coach.
Behold: Dynamo Kyiv and the European champions of underachievement. This week’s Knowledge.
João Teixeira: Brighton loanee, future Liverpool star? Sachin Nakrani meets him.
Want to know how Premier League clubs rank in terms of sharing the scoring burden this season? Then it’s your flipping lucky day!
England left-back Demi Stokes on the game’s development since she’s been away in USA! USA!! USA!!!
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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