Watching "The Big Sick" a few weeks ago left me marveling at how cultures can appear to be so different _ but share some fundamental ideas.
The romantic-comedy, released earlier this summer, is about a Pakistani-American called Kumail who falls in love with a white American woman, Emily.
As their love blossoms, Kumail and Emily realize they have to deal with very deep cultural differences. Kumail's family wants him to marry a Pakistani woman, just like his brother.
His mother, who strongly believes in arranged marriages, sets him up with different Pakistani women who come "unannounced" to their home every time they're having dinner.
The similarities to my Luhya culture were apparent to me. Marriages are not really "arranged," but parents play a key role in selecting spouses for their children.
The focus on potential marriage partners pays more attention to character than beauty, because people from my culture believe all women are beautiful and the same.
When a young man or woman comes of age, their parents take it upon themselves to look for a suitable mate for their child.
The boy's mother will negotiate with the girl's parents and say "I have a hoe (boy) without a handle (girl), but I have seen a handle in this home. Can you give it to me?"
The boy's mother will then hide the metal blade in a basket in a corner of the girl's house and leave. When the girl's parents discover the blade they will understand the message: The visitor was asking for their daughter's hand in marriage on behalf of their son.
The girl's parents then discuss the issue. If they agree, the father makes a handle and fixes the hoe _ which the mother returns to the boy's house, accompanied by a few of her female friends.
They are well-received and served traditional alcohol. The presence of liquor means the issue being discussed is of utmost importance.
After this meeting, gifts are sent to the girl's house on a regular basis to appease her parents. For instance, if the boy's family slaughters a cow, part of the meat is delivered to the girl's family.
They would also get honey, chicken, milk and groundnuts.
The parties expected to marry are also investigated to ensure they're of good character and would not bring shame to their families. Girls are expected to know how to cook; if a husband finds her lacking as a cook, he can send her back to her family.
Uncovering traits in a family such as witchcraft, sorcery, epilepsy or night running _ considered an inherited compulsion to strip naked and run around outdoors terrorizing passers-by _ could could also cancel any marriage plans. By either party.
The girl's family also investigates the financial status of the boy's family to make sure they could take care of the daughter.
Once both parties are satisfied with the conditions set for marriage, the girl's parents ask for a dowry and they set a date for the payment.
A team of young men is sent from the girl's home to collect cows and goats from the boy's home _ after which a feast is organized.
The bride-to-be chooses her well-behaved girlfriends to escort her to the matrimonial celebration.
Wedding songs are sang as people dance, eat and drink the local brew _ and the new couple begins married life.
Even in my native part of Kenya, this culture is beginning to change as young people are being left to marry at will.
In Kumail's case, he resists pressure from his family to be with Emily but pays a huge price when his family disowned him _ despite him passionately telling his parents he was brought up in the American culture and needed to find himself.
Perhaps the greatest thing that would stop "negative" culture is love.
