ROLL THE DYCE
The era of Sam Allardyce, and The Fiver’s weekend, began on Friday with this: the first 13 incomprehensible seconds of a little-watched YouTube video, made and released by the FA. It showed a man who, quite literally, could not believe his luck. It showed a man talking absolute gibberish. Yet, with his eyes barely visible, what with the breadth of the smile pushing his considerable cheeks upwards, his unmistakable turnip filling the 5:3 screen, his broad shoulders reduced to a shuddering giggle, it is impossible not to ‘get that smile’ and smile with him.
In looking and talking down the barrel of the camera, even raising a chubby finger through the fourth wall, you feel as though he is talking directly to you. And maybe this is his charm. Maybe it was this that seduced his wife Lynne, Sunderland’s layabouts and the FA’s layabouts suits into getting on board with him. Perhaps it is this that England’s association football players will bleed, sweat and cry for.
The Fiver is on board with Sam all right. It wouldn’t have been a shock to see him, The People’s Champ, one eyebrow raised and one elbow dangerously dangling below his shoulder, enter his first press conference as England manager on Monday and demand the waiting press pack take a whiff of his culinary output. But he didn’t. After taking the weekend to calm down, Sam appeared only slightly more composed than on Friday, this time doing his utmost to keep a straight face. “It were 10 years since I was last interviewed and to sit here is a huge thrill for me. I think I fit the chair, I hope I do,” Allardyce mused, his legendary buttocks now perched firmly on luxurious snakeskin upholstery. “I think I’ve got the experience to challenge the England team and challenge myself. Managing five Premier League teams has given me huge experience.” Asked whether Wayne Rooney would remain as captain, he sensibly answered: “I’m going to leave that until I meet all the players and get all the staff together,” before conceding that his style is “pragmatic.”
But then the sensible mask of seriousness slipped. The corner of his mouth curled upwards and out came a laugh so hearty that international managers, some thousands of miles away, felt a sudden chill in the air. In a scene not dissimilar from England’s unofficial Dizzee Rascal and James Corden World Cup song in 2010, Sam concluded with the line that every person in post-Brexit England wanted to hear: “I’m tough enough. So bring it on lads!” Yes you are, Sam. And The Fiver will follow you to the ends of the earth, or even Russia, to prove it.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The couple said he was really nice and friendly, and more than happy to have photos taken with them, which made their day with them being such big Reds fans. He asked them if they’d had a nice day, and said: ‘I bet you’ve had loads of photos taken today.’ Also the bridesmaids told him that he smells gorgeous” – The Fiver suspects the newly hitched Mr and Mrs O’Leary’s day would have been made even better, what with them being such big Liverpool fans, if Mario Balotelli had spent the day trying to find a new club rather than crashing their wedding snaps.
FIVER LETTERS
“Having hewed to various odd mixtures of milk, grain and juice for breakfast (Fiver letters passim), this seems to have inspired the Norwich City kit designers (sic) in Friday’s Quote of the Day. Regarding the third kit on display: I do believe they simply added milk and orange juice (in equal portions) to a large bowl of spinach, fed it to 10-month-old children in a small room and simply tore off shirt-shaped portions of the resulting, much-splattered wallpaper for the kit. Perhaps they were tired of the nausea-inspiring green on yellow and decided to bypass the inspiration and go straight to nausea, or they simply wanted desperately out of Norwich. Either way, there must be some obscure provision of the FA rules requiring immediate (further) relegation on sartorial grounds” – Petr Swedock.
“Are there some Pokemon Go critters hidden in Norwich City’s vegetable soup-looking new strip?” – Raymond Reardon.
“Haven’t Norwich just purchased a flamin’ job lot of pre-loved, washed-out 1990s Socceroos jerseys?” – Hugh McGinley.
“I’d just like to let you know that not all of us West Ham fans are bitter about the Taxpayers FC moniker (Fiver letters passim). We have plenty of laughs at other teams’ mishaps and, besides, the Carlos Tevez saga taught me that there is no point arguing against an established narrative with facts, so it’s better to take the (some deserved, some less so) stick for our dealings. Far less stressful (and more fun) is to respond to the likes of ‘We’re paying for your stadium’ with a big cheesy grin, thumbs up and ‘Yes you are. Thanks!’ Or this one, which really gets people’s goats: ‘We won the World Cup, now we’ve won the Olympics too’” – Mark Jelbert.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Hugh McGinley.
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BITS AND BOBS
Ray Wilkins has been given a four-year ban for drink-driving. “I will be judged on the crime I have committed and that is 100% [right],” he said. “I am an addict. I also ask that my family can be shown just a tad more privacy. I would be delighted with that.”
Former German FA president Wolfgang Niersbach has been banned from all football for a year after failing to report potential misconduct surrounding the award of the 2006 World Cup to Germany.
José Mourinho is clearly ramping up the mind games already, after Manchester City flew all the way to China to play Manchester United only for the match to be cancelled at the last minute because of a dodgy pitch. “It’s disappointing because we looked forward to playing a derby in Beijing for a long time,” shilled Vincent Kompany.
Ipswich didn’t impress Mick McCarthy much in their 1-1 pre-season friendly draw with Cambridge United. “I’m not tolerating that, I’ve told them that’s garbage,” he huffed. “I’m fuming after that. I don’t often lose the plot but I have.”
Bury aren’t having any of Sheffield United’s latest offer for striker Leon Clarke. “They have come in with an improved offer,” sniffed manager David Flitcroft. “The first one was comical, the second one was embarrassing. I think it has become a bit of a circus and if I wanted to go to a circus then I’d go to Blackpool, [and] we are going there next week anyway.”
And Kolo Touré is properly pumped at the prospect of playing for the Queen’s Celtic after signing a one-year deal at Parkhead, although not in time for this week’s Big Cup qualifier at Astana. “I will be with them in my heart, I will pray for them as well. Definitely we’ll do it,” he roared. “For me, [Brendan Rodgers] is one of the best. He has done well everywhere he [has been]. He did a great job at Swansea and did a great job at Liverpool, and I’m sure he will do a great job at [the Queen’s Celtic].”
STILL WANT MORE?
He was once a male model, he legged it out of South Africa with malaria, and they love him in Tel Aviv: meet Sunderland’s chief suit Martin Bain.
With the new football season weeks away, send us your predictions so we can drag them out again come May next year and have a good laugh.
Jamie Jackson on Manchester United and Manchester City’s Beijing fiasco.
Simon Burnton delves behind the hoopla of England’s 1966 World Cup win in order to provide commentors with the opportunity to get all hot and frothy below the line.
Dave Martinez and Graham Ruthven learned 2.5 things each from Major League Soccerball over the weekend and are keen to impart their wisdom.
It’s all kicking off in the NWSL, reports Beau Dure.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
