THE ONLY WAY IS, ERM, ESSEX
It’s been a while since Leyton Orient were bothering teams at the top, so it’s quite the boon for them to be experiencing the giddy heights of being the lead item in today’s Fiver instead of a loose interpretation of the latest steam whistling out of José Mourinho’s nostrils or a sneery take on Arsenal’s title hopes. Not that the reason for the League Two team being here is a particularly good one. You see, after the 3-1 loss to Hartlepool at the weekend the team bus that was supposed to be bringing the defeated players home to east Lahndan took a detour to the Marriott Hotel in Waltham Abbey instead, a “truly unique and picturesque setting for business and leisure travellers here in Essex,” according to spiel on the hotel website. Or, to put it another way, the kind of place where a romantically-challenged stationery sales rep beds in for a night before heading off for a soul-destroying day cold-calling corrugated steel units on an industrial estate in Tottenham Hale in the distant hope that somebody, anybody, will buy a job lot of Paper Pro eco desktop staplers to help stave off the threat of unemployment for another month.
So when the Leyton Orient players were bundled off the bus and into the hotel on the orders of their wacky Italian owner, Francesco Becchetti, and told they would have to spend the week there you could imagine their dismay. The last time they were sent to a hotel at the club’s expense it was the Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas. “The owner has had different sporting ventures over the years and he said sometimes it’s good to get together and spend time together. It helps team bonding. When the owner suggested it I thought why not try something different,” said the club’s manager, Ian Hendon, perhaps in the form of a note that he sneaked out with the laundry collection man. “If we win four or five-nil the owner might ask us to move here permanently. We’re not trying to hide anything. We’re staying at a hotel. There are plenty of army camps I know about in deepest darkest woods if we wanted to do that.”
Now, The Fiver doesn’t know anyone in the history of time who has had a pleasant experience ‘bonding’, apart from that one time Weird Uncle Fiver spent a week in Skegness with a mannequin and a book of inspirational quotes but that doesn’t count because it wasn’t a sentient being. Becchetti’s exercise is the kind of thing that even Peak Brendan would have considered a left-field step too far. Cramming Soviet-era levels of testosterone into a hotel with only a swimming pool and sauna for entertainment for seven days? What could possibly go wrong? It’s not like footballers and hotels have a dark and sorry history together is it?
Let’s be kind and say that Bechetti just probably hasn’t thought this one through. A bit like his failed hydroelectric scheme that allegedly cost the Albanian government millions and led to a request that he be extradited from the UK to face trial there. At least if this scheme fails Bechetti won’t face the threat of being confined to four walls for an extended length of time. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for his Leyton Orient players.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Feedback is very important … but I have to say that because when I don’t say that then I’m arrogant. I am also an innovator and I have changed a lot. I was the first coach who was with a notebook. Now everybody is with a notebook. I was the first coach who used video. I’m from a time where you [the manager] did everything. Now I’m the manager and I have a sports science department, I have a scouting department, I have a medical department, I have assistant managers, I have assistant coaches. I don’t do anything … nothing! I delegate. I delegate and I earn a lot of money” – Louis van Gaal, trailblazer and top, top, scribbler of notes.
QUOTE OF THE DAY TWO
“I think he looks a bit like a Bermondsey” – Kelly Bloomfield, the wife of Millwall fan Mike Bloomfield, tries to gets behind her husband’s pwoper nawty decision to go behind her back and give their son the ludicrous name Bermondsey Millwall Den Bloomfield, which actually makes the little nipper sound like a Dutch darts player.
FIVER LETTERS
“I always wondered what had happened to Freddie Adu. From becoming the next Pelé to now flogging vacuum cleaners. I take full responsibility after playing him as a 13-year-old for Real Madrid in a Copa del Rey match against Sporting Gijon in Championship Manager 4. Just another case of too much too soon” – Noble Francis.
“Eric Pickles playing five-a-side? I’d have him in my team like a shot – or, to be more precise, to save a shot. In fact, every shot. With him standing in front of the goal there’s no chance anyone could put the ball in his net. Then all we’d have to do is get the Andrex puppy to roll (see what I did there?) the ball in at the other end” – Phil Williams.
“Jordan Glossop wrote in to say that he was going to break up with a woman, but wasn’t sure how to let her know. Seeing as he met her “through Soulmates via the adverts in The Fiver,” she probably found out about his plan to dump her when his letter appeared in the Fiver. Guardian Soulmates: ‘It’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s finding out that you’ve been dumped via a letter published in a football email.’ Although that does assume that the poor woman or any of her friends actually reads the Fiver. So maybe Jordan isn’t out of the woods just yet” – Dan Davis.
“Rush Goalie? I’m disappointed that Shortbread McFiver has not introduced the concept of ‘any saves’ into this discussion on behalf of your Caledonian readers. In the event of a numerical imbalance in a playground kickabout, the team with fewer players is given any saves. Whether or not that allows for anyone to handle the ball in the area or just the person closest to the goal is variable and often adjudicated on by the ‘Best Fighter’ in true Christopher Brookmyre style” – Colin Telford.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t resist … No one puts Bébé in the corner” – Tony Salinas.
“I’m delighted to join the 1,056 other Luso-French diacritic pedants in pointing out (indeed also to Big Paper subeditors [and Tony Salinas] if there are still any left) that it’s Bebé? Not to be confused with Bébé, the 2008 French comedy short, or BéBé, that delightful Lebanese rom-com, or indeed the Spanish singer-female actor Bebe” – John Ketchell.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Noble Francis, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2016 courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got loads more copies to give away, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
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BITS AND BOBS
Premier League clubs will play the French national anthem before all matches this weekend as a mark of respect for those affected by the terror attacks in Paris.
Jürgen Klopp has said he hopes to avoid seeing Daniel Sturridge break into a million pieces by handling him carefully against Manchester City at the weekend. “He is as fit as he can be after this long break,” whispered Klopp, not wanting to startle the delicate striker.
One for the Oh Aye section: Richard Scudamore has hinted that Premier League clubs may make away tickets cheaper next season. “We are looking with the clubs at the minute to try to see if there is something more pervasive, something wider and broader. For next season. We are discussing a whole range of options,” he sulked, making a simple price reduction sound really, really hard and annoying.
Tokyo Sexwale has started banging the drum for his Fifa presidential election campaign by making it clear there’s more money to be squeezed out of international football yet, especially if you plaster sponsors all over shirts. “There is space there for much value worth millions of dollars which will be destined directly into [various] FAs’ coffers,” he yelped.
And Jorge Sampaoli told hacks, in a roundabout way, that he still felt like a winner despite Chile’s 3-0 loss to Uruguay in a World Cup qualifier this week. “One night, I went to a bar, I was with a woman. We talked all night. We laughed, we flirted, I paid for several drinks of hers. At around 5am, a guy came in, grabbed her by the arm and took her to the bathroom. He made love to her and she left with him. That doesn’t matter, because I had most of the possession on that night,” he cheered.
STILL WANT MORE?
Alan Nicholls, the maverick goalkeeper who should have played for England but died far too young. As told by Stuart James.
Goals? Meh. Manchester United’s best form of attack might just be their defence, reckons Jamie Jackson.
It’s quiz time, starring this season’s lesser-spotted Premier League players.
How did Joe Cole, once England’s great hope, end up on loan in League One? Tom Mason scratches his head so that you don’t have to scratch yours.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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