THIS IS ON
It’s a Lahndhan derby on Sunday, reader. The Fiver can’t wait. A rip-roaring helter-skelter, gonna-be-a-belter of a game awaits as Mauricio Pochettino’s high-flying Spurs take on José Mourinho’s not-so-chirpy Chelsea at White Hart Lane. It ended 5-3 last season. It’ll be great won’t it, José? Oh. Everybody’s former favourite charismatic and trendy foreign Premier League managerial genius doesn’t quite see it that way. No. For José, this fixture will be nothing more than a coming together of two amorphous masses of lactic acid, wobbling around White Hart Lane like the gooey bits in a lava lamp.
“Whenever we play [Big Cup] we play against teams who don’t have European commitments. Stoke didn’t play in Europe – that’s a situation that creates a bigger difference,” flapped Mourinho’s gums, referring, for some reason, to a game that took place three weeks ago. The Fiver can’t quite fathom it, but it probably has something to do with dark forces weighing heavily on the Portuguese manager’s mind. “When you play Saturday-Tuesday, you are already in accumulation, you are in overload. When you play Saturday-Thursday, you have a longer time to recover,” he continued, revealing that Spurs actually recovered from their 5,000-mile round trip and hard-fought 1-0 Big Vase win over Qarabag before they even played it. Extraordinary stuff. “This story [that Tottenham will be more knacked than Chelsea] doesn’t convince me.” So, with all these clapped-out muscles to micromanage, surely a winter break would help? “What I think is not important. It is not important. It is important to do exactly the thing that I don’t say. I’m not important,” he riddled, sounding like a tired old magic door denying a child entry to a wormhole that holds the tantalising prospect of returning them to the real world after a fantastical adventure [sounds familiar – Fiver Ed].
The subject of fantasy talk leads The Fiver on to Spurs and all this hot title chat that’s been hanging around White Hart Lane like a stranger no one knows whether to invite in or not. You see, Pochettino’s side are unbeaten in the league since the first game of the season, a game in which it took one of their own players, Kyle Walker, to beat them and, although they’re fifth, they look, well, very un-Spurs like: strong, consistent, hard to break down … a real team. Could they? “We can’t get carried away with ourselves. We’ve been doing brilliantly recently but football can change quickly,” said wispy Spurs midfielder Ryan Mason, taking a big jug of cold water and pouring it all over himself in case he gets any lofty ideas. “We are young, we are eager to learn and we are working hard on the training pitch. The gaffer isn’t going to mention winning the Premier League.”
No, but The Fiver is going to mention Harry Kane, a player who has now scored just the nine goals in his last six Spurs games and who made Plain Old John Terry look plainer and older than usual on New Year’s Day. As for POJT, the good news for Chelsea fans is that Mourinho says he only has a “little chance” of being fit for Sunday and is currently jogging in a swimming pool to try to overcome ankle-knack. The Fiver will let you insert the obvious gag here. And anyway, if Mourinho’s thoughts on fatigue are to be believed, it won’t just be POJT running as though he’s surrounded by 10,000 gallons of water on Sunday. Excited?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Forty points. I can’t change our project at the moment. Our goal right now is to maintain the Premier League. Be solid with two feet firmly on the floor. Forty points. When? I don’t know. From now until beginning of January we will play against some very big teams and we will see what happens. Our fans can dream. That’s OK. Football is about dreams, about feeling a special sensation, giving a surprise and inspiring joy. I know when Leicester win our fans go to their jobs with smiles. But those who work in football must work. The others can dream” – Leicester City manager Claudio Ranieri sits down for a chinwag with Amy Lawrence.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
How Leicester City outfoxed the Premier League.
FIVER LETTERS
“Presumably, if Manchester United ever visit Malmö (Wednesday’s Fiver main photo), they will mark that by illuminating all the Zs” – Kevin Denham.
“Re: Wayne Rooney saying ‘we need to score more goals as a team’ (yesterday’s Fiver). I know that by saying he’s stating the obvious, I myself am stating the obvious, thereby rendering myself a complete hypocrite. But blimey … is he stating the obvious or what?” – Dan Makeham.
“As a Southend United fan, can I please, please be given the chance to have a pop at Colchester, those ‘local’ ‘rivals’ of ours and the fact their chairman’s plea for them to ‘stop wasting stamps’ (yesterday’s Fiver) proves every stereotype that us on the London side of the county have about them and their stuck-in-the-70s ways? You don’t need to fear reprisal, they can’t be reading this as apparently they haven’t yet discovered email” – Sam Carpenter.
“While I approve in principle every attempt to shoehorn in a Beastie Boys quote, I feel you could have done better than ‘G.E.T.L.I.V.E alright’ as the caption to a picture of Jack Grealish (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). For a Villa player perhaps most appropriate would be: ‘You try to play to win but now you lost.’ Though maybe in his case, now that he’s gotten himself kicked out of the first team, the caption should be: ‘Don’t play no game that I can’t win’” – Kári Tulinius.
“I do not recall a ‘Happy Turkey Day’ message (yesterday’s last line) posted during our Canadian turkey day way back in October? Are we so invisible in the eyes of our colonial overlords? Admit it, it’s because some of us speak French, isn’t it?” – Marco Amorim.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Kevin Denham, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2016 courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got loads more copies to give away, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
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BITS AND BOBS
Mathieu Valbuena has spoken for the first time about how Karim Benzema allegedly encouraged him to pay blackmailers demanding cash for a bongo-tape. “I am very, very, very disappointed and I can only accept that my relations with Karim were not as sincere as he makes out,” sniffed Valbuena.
Renowned unifier of squads Nicolas Anelka will leave his player-manager role with Mumbai City after they failed to reach the Indian Super League knockout stage. “I don’t think we had fighters in this team,” he moaned. “Last season we had players who had 10% of the quality from this season. But the players then had more fight in them.”
Manchester United snooze-master Louis van Gaal wants his team to stay awake and combat the threat of Jamie Vardy. “He was already last season a very nasty player for us,” yawned the Dutchman before Saturday’s game with Leicester. “He scored, won a penalty, and now he is scoring 10 games in a row. I only know Dennis Bergkamp as a player who did the same with Ajax. It’s not so easy to do that.”
Manchester City, Spain and Knack’s David Silva is available again after nine games out.
England coach Mark Sampson is feeling quite chipper after his team’s 0-0 friendly draw in Germany. “We have now gone over 200 minutes without conceding a goal against them and that’s come from an incredible work ethic,” he cheered.
And Liverpool manager Jürgen Klopp reckons he knows what Daniel Sturridge needs to do in terms of his ongoing knack. “You have to learn what is serious pain and what is only pain,” he blootered.
STILL WANT MORE?
Did Simon Burnton, Alan Smith and Paul Doyle collaborate on: a) a new grime track with Krept and Konan; b) an animated stop-motion recreation of ALF; or c) The Joy of Six: quickly-taken set pieces? The answer is …
Get your 10 Premier League things to watch out for this weekend while they’re still lukewarm.
Who’s the ref? You are. This week: starring Memphis Depay.
Scott Murray’s Field Notes take in a brief guide to the complex rivalries of Midlands football.
“The rewards may never have been better, but the path has never been so precipitous” – Richard Williams on the test of character that is Modern Football.
Arlen Pettitt writes about the strange life of the exiled football fan.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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