EL CASHICO
There are those who are born into money, those with family members with secret offshore bank accounts, those who are able to buy success outright. And there are those who have none of these things but still remarkably rise to the top: Leicester City, Goran Ivanisevic, the Fiver, the Oakland A’s.
PSG and Manchester City, perched very firmly on one side of this particular fence, are set to play a very different kind of moneyball tonight in their Big Cup quarter-final. Having already coasted to the Euro Disney League title, Zlatan and co are very much the bookies’ faves against a City side missing Yaya Touré, Raheem Sterling and captain Vincent Kompany through injury. But that hasn’t stopped PSG manager Laurent Blanc from telling the world that his squad is far inferior to that of City.
“We’ll be up against a team with quality and quality in depth – their squad overall has much more quality than ours,” Blanc sobbed, his voice barely audible above the sound of a tiny violin playing from his plush penthouse suite in an ivory tower atop Montmartre. “I have the impression that people think it’s an easy draw. But I gave my players a speech yesterday saying: ‘Don’t listen to them, do not believe it, they know nothing about football’.”
Butter is never in short supply in Paris and while flattery might be the best way to soften tonight’s opposition, Blanc couldn’t resist a little dig at City, to warm the hearts of Manchester United fans everywhere. “The city itself has transformed a lot. It used to be very post-industrial, but it has flourished into quite a charming place now,” the Frenchman condescended, his voice now barely audible above the sound of The Smiths’ debut album. “I have excellent memories of Manchester from when I was playing for Manchester United,” he continued. “On the sporting front, City are reducing their deficit to United.” Zing!
And so, time rumbles on: water is still wet, the Fiver is still bored, and football managers are still playing mind games. Implausible underdog rhetoric? Check. A little jab in the ribs? You betcha. Will these words actually affect tonight’s game? Almost certainly not – but at least they help to create some kind of half-baked narrative. And thank goodness for that, because without it, The Fiver has got nothing else.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I do not want to play for Congo. I find the treatment unfair. Therefore, after discussion with my family, my relatives, I decided to stop” – Dieumerci Mbokani announces his international retirement from top medical side DR Congo after being made subject to sanctions for missing two Africa Cup of Nations matches because he was booked on a flight out of Brussels airport ON THE DAY IT WAS TARGETED BY SUICIDE BOMBERS. “You can’t just get up in the morning and decide you’re not playing for your country anymore. It’s up to the national selectors if they want to pick him,” sniffed DR Congo chief suit Constant Omari.
FIVER LETTERS
“If Bayern Munich play in Big Cup final against a Manchester City side who have finished fifth in the Premier League, does Pep have a conflict of interest?” – Edward Walmsley.
“After yesterday’s cartoon on drug testing in English football I was reminded of a recent interview I heard involving Stuart Pearce. The reporter asked about Psycho’s experience of drug-taking, he responded: ‘I just took what the club doctor gave me, which wasn’t much. Oh yeah, and Sanatogen multi-vitamins.’ English football in the 90s, card schools, high shorts and Sanatogen. Say what you like about footy players back then, but Lance Armstrong they were not” – Marten Allen.
“New layout is terrible and none of the pictures download. Unsubscribe” – David Wright.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Marten Allen.
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BITS AND BOBS
Uefa’s front door has been kicked down by Swiss rozzers after Fifa’s grand fromage Gianni Infantino was dragged into the latest John le Carré novel the Panama Papers over his role in deals concluded when he was director of legal services at football’s European ruling body.
Newcastle have cashed in from their supporters’ misery to the tune of a £32.4m profit, according to their latest accounts, but have now spent that money in order to fund the players who have been generating their supporters’ misery.
Claudio Ranieri has paid tribute to Jamie Vardy via the medium of a Father Ted song, only he has managed to get the title of their Song for Europe track wrong in the endearing manner only Ranieri can manage. “This is not a footballer. This is a fantastic horse,” he crooned.
Bolton Wanderers have taken disciplinary action against their players Liam Trotter and David Wheater after the pair were caught trying to teach viewers how to count to two with their middle fingers on a live Periscope broadcast before Tuesday’s 3-1 defeat to Brentford.
Edoardo Cellino, son of Nasty Leeds owner Massimo, has been charged with misconduct over Facebook messages he sent a fan in which he called him a “bad word” and a “bad word”. “I did not fully understand the severity of the words used as English is not my first language,” apologised Edoardo.
Him out of One Direction is to give back the prize he won for apparently designing Doncaster’s new shirt, but has explained the creative process behind his kit idea. “We got a pen and paper,” he Gok Wan-ed.
Melaka United goalkeeper Stefan Petrovski is in intensive care in a Malaysian hospital after being struck by lightning at the end of a training session for the second tier side. Get well soon Stefan.
STILL WANT MORE?
Marina Hyde hit the Big Website lawyer jackpot with her latest column, lining up Lionel Messi’s tax case, the Panama Papers and drug use in sport like lemons on a pub fruitie.
Five thousand words of Alejandro Chacoff on why diving is the worst crime in the entire of football. Six hundred comments (and counting) on why divers should have their legs cut off.
The Knowledge gets its stat on with when reserve teams outperform their first-team colleagues.
Twenty years ago today, MLS’s inaugural match was heading for the sort of result USA! USA!! USA!!! audiences love – a 0-0 draw – until Eric Wynalda blootererd the ball into the net with virtually zip left on the clock. Jack Williams gives it the Golden Goal treatment.
Alasdair Cullen looks into Johan Cruyff’s lesser known days as a brickie in This is Ajax: the club Johan Cruyff rebuilt.
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