THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
There are many things that, in 2016, are long overdue: universal plug sockets, a Daniel Bedingfield comeback tour, somebody making an updated YouTube video of Chelsea masseur and physio Billy McCulloch. Yet The Fiver did not see this one coming: the Premier League™, the FA and the Football League all combining (!) cohesively (!!) in order to set out new rules to improve the players’ behaviour towards “the PGMOs”, aka the Please Give Me Orders, aka the Professional Game Match Officials, aka the referees and linesmen (!!!).
Having got the important business of a television deal and a new logo/”visual identity that is relevant, modern and flexible” over and done with months ago, the Premier League stated on their website on Wednesday that: “English football authorities have noticed over the past four seasons that intolerable behaviour by players and managers in their competitions have reached unacceptable levels in certain areas.” It’s difficult to know what happened four years ago that made the authorities want to emulate their rugby union and cricket cousins, or indeed why they hadn’t felt obliged to act a few years earlier – like when Paolo Di Canio pushed Paul Alcock to the ground in 1998, or when Manchester United, led by Roy Keane, swarmed around Andy D’Urso in 2000 like Neo at Agent Smith’s birthday party – but act they have and The Fiver, for one, can breathe a huge sigh of relief that Progress is being finally being made. Better late than never, as The Fiver always says.
Players acting in a sweary and punchy manner will now be shown an automatic red, while those coming into “any physical contact with any match official, such as an inquisitive grab” or maybe a pat on the back or a hug, could now be given a yellow card. Confronting an official, even running towards an official after a decision has been made, is a bookable offence, while harsher punishments and shorter shrift will be shown to managers wanting to leave some spittle on the top lip of the fourth official.
At least the post-match interviews will be interesting, and so will the eight v nine-sided games that will inevitably ensue as the Premier League’s finest struggle to get to grips with what they can’t do. “If participant behaviour doesn’t improve, then there will be more yellow and red cards,” said D1ckie Scudamore, his voice just audible from the top of an ivory tower. “The game has put a huge effort into education to try to ensure we don’t have this extra spate of yellow and red cards. But the game is prepared if we have them.” Ah yes, the game, for that is all it is. Something not to be taken too seriously. Something to set an example of sportsmanship, of comradery, of fairness and honesty to the kidz. Something that, despite the billions of pounds of stake, is just a distraction from the monotony of life.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I completely lost my desire to come to work because his training sessions were really hard to get through. Not physically but mentally. It was the same and the same and the same. Day in and day out” – Daniel Agger reveals that training to play in a Mr Roy side is much the same as watching a Mr Roy side, in a revealing interview about the former Liverpool defender’s overuse of anti-inflammatory drugs. And more about Mr Roy’s training: “Often we had eight forwards playing against me and Martin Skrtel [apparently to let Fernando Torres score to regain his confidence]. Skrtel and I had a really hard training session as we were defending against eight with two but the eight players attacking were just faffing around. They had hardly run a kilometre and it was so uninspiring.”
FIVER LETTERS
“What a busy chap David Hopkins is. Not only does he earn his keep awarding the freedom of Swansea to Chris Coleman (yesterday’s Bits And Bobs), he also manages to find time to request clarification on fizzy pop/breakfast cereal juxtaposition and winning letter o’the day into the bargain (yesterday’s Fiver letters). All this while also being a former footballer who played at Nasty Leeds in the late 90s, possibly just before he grew an ‘s’ at the end of his surname” – Tim Clarke (and 1,056 others).
“Given Emma Freake indirectly gifted her book (albeit under the pseudonym David Bevan) to letter o’the day winner David Hopkins (yesterday’s letters), who in turn gifted the freedom of Swansea to Chris Coleman, perhaps Swansea’s favourite son could complete the circle of love by sending an appropriate gift to Emma? Hal Robson-Kanu, perhaps?” – Steve Branch.
“The recent spate of letters concerning the questionable use of strange liquids to accompany breakfast cereal (Fiver letters passim) reminds me of the time, many years ago, when my parents took in a German exchange student one summer. A strange girl on many counts, one of the more memorable habits she had was to pour fresh orange juice over her cornflakes every morning, much to mine and my parent’s surprise. Never having met anyone from Germany before, I assumed that this was common practice when ‘Frühstuck’ was taken, a miscomprehension that was only corrected when I actually moved to Cologne as an adult. I was more than pleasantly surprised when, on my first morning there, my girlfriend’s mother provided a jug of milk for the cornflakes, while the orange juice was purely to be drunk from a tall glass. I’ve never ever met another German that preferred juice to milk on their cereal” – Lee Halliday.
“I once made the ill-advised decision to replace milk on my morning Shreddies with a tin of Tennents, under the influence of many a previous Tin, needless to say. The colour combination that resulted shortly afterwards I shall leave to your reader’s own imaginations” – Phil Kayes.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Steve Branch, who receives a copy of The Unbelievables, by David Bevan. We’ve got more to give away all week, so get typing.
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BITS AND BOBS
Chesterfield’s chief marketing and commercial suit, Kevin Fitzgerald, is no longer Chesterfield’s chief marketing and commercial suit after a raffle for a place at the club’s pre-season training camp was won by a “falsified” entry. “The person responsible for this total farce has now left the football club,” bellowed chief suit Ashley Carson.
Kevin Nolan claims he was the inadvertent “middle man” in a Christmas hamper con in which Sam Allardyce and the West Ham squad were allegedly fiddled out of thousands of pounds. “Mark [Ackerman] sold luxury hampers and [said] he would like to come into the training ground – that’s something which is quite common in our place, round Christmas time we have a lot of people come in,” said Nolan. Ackerman denies 18 charges of fraud and the trial continues.
Augsburg’s Ragnar Klavan is now Liverpool’s Ragnar Klavan after £4.2m was airlifted into the WWK Arena.
Wayne Rooney says he is “ exhausted excited” after his first training session with José Mourinho. “The appointment of José Mourinho is a big appointment,” he whooped.
Olivier Giroud’s Mr 15% has made himself unpopular with half of north London by pointing out that his client is likely to stay at Arsenal. “We never talked to Naples and there are no other persons appointed over me that can do this. We need to clarify this,” he huffed.
New Zealand football team, Cashmere Technical, have apologised for behaving like an “idiotic bunch of buffoons” on an internal flight after they interrupted a safety briefing. Coach John Brown, who was escorted from the plane, admitted his team were “probably a bit noisy and out of order”. “The matter has been dealt with,” sniffed a club suit.
Leicester City’s head of recruitment, Steve Walsh, could be about to show himself through the door marked Do One in the hope of finding Everton on the other side, but Claudio Ranieri believes Riyad Mahrez will be staying put. “We will stay together,” he twinkled.
Juventus have told Manchester United to stick the £100m they have offered for Paul Pogba unless they come up with £8m more.
And Manchester City are circling ever nearer Schalke’s Leroy Sané, though there is no news on whether the player’s brothers Aladdin and Justin could also join.
STILL WANT MORE?
This week’s Knowledge: come for the relegated footballers playing in major international tournaments, stay for the Phil Neville floundering on German telly.
Lincoln Red Imps are a David-and-Goliath story with a twist, writes Rob Smyth, as they take on the Queen’s Celtic in their Big Cup qualifying second leg.
Andy Hunter reports on the strange case of an England football team playing well at a tournament.
Graham Parker (not that one) hopes Orlando know what they are doing by appointing Jason Kreis.
Just because Donald Trump is keen on banning journalists, doesn’t mean Real Salt Lake should follow suit, reckons Graham Ruthven.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT TOO!
