THE BELGIAN FOR VA VA VOOM
For reasons that we cannot quite pinpoint the Fiver has always felt a strong bond with Belgium, the birthplace of Tintin, a journalist who never actually has to write any articles and spends most of his time hanging around with a dog and a bearded drunk. Maybe the attraction is the fact that the country’s top thinkers have always encouraged exploration of the absurd. From Rene Maigritte’s thought-provoking paintings of smartly dressed bodies with misplaced heads to Marc Wilmots’ wacky football teams with misbegotten notions of defending, it seems that no scheme is ever too preposterous for the residents of a country that regularly has no government but is never without beer and chocolate.
So the Fiver was not at all surprised when, in the wake of a Euro 2016 campaign in which their national football team displayed an urgent need for discipline and defensive rigour, the country’s federation declared that its new manager would be none other than Roberto Martínez, a meticulous taskmaster commonly believed to impose a strict diet of pie in the sky. Get relegated with Wigan, get hired by Everton; get sacked by Everton, land one of the world’s most coveted international gigs in the world; yes, Martínez’s curious career path made Belgium the obvious next destination.
Today, with his debut match scheduled for next week against his native Spain, Martínez announced his first squad since his appointment. It contained no shocks, Fifa rules preventing any call-up for Antolín Alcaraz. So most of the players who have been failing to form a coherent whole for the last four years have been recalled. But Martínez did stun onlookers by revealing that his assistant, along with his longtime accomplice Graeme Jones, will be Thierry Henry, who will be charged with providing a lot more stimulus to Belgium’s listless stars than he has been providing to viewers of Sky Sports since becoming the pundit most admired by taxidermists.
“Thierry brings something completely different, he’s someone who has been in the situation of having to develop a mentality in a team of chasing the dream of winning something special for his country,” explained Martinez. “He is very much an important figure in our staff and we hope he will pass on his experience to the players,” continued the Spaniard. At this point neutral observers may be wondering whether a Martínez/Henry duet risks increasing the imbalance from which the Belgian team appears to have been suffering for years, but Martínez showed that he is aware of the need to tighten up at the back by hiring not one but two goalkeeping coaches. And if any of the defenders need lessons in stubbornly fending off attackers in the face of seemingly impossible odds, then they’ll only have to tune into one of Martínez’s press conferences after a defeat.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We must have faith in the masses and we must have faith in the Party. These are two cardinal principles. If we doubt these principles, we shall accomplish nothing.” – Dr Tony Xia reads from The Mao Tse-tung Guide To Chairmanship before clarifying, “Quotation from Mao: We must have faith in the masses! Truly fans’ viewpoints are even better than scouting reports!”
FIVER LETTERS
“With West Ham being railroaded out of the Europa League, it seems that they will try and win silverware or maybe even gold closer to home by securing the services of Zaza, whose penalty taking run up will be formidable in the hop, skip and jump at Olympic Park” – Raymond Reardon.
“I feel compelled to report that today’s missive caused me to eclipse my previous all time high Fiver evoked emotional response; a small, mirthless smile on the inside. Today I literally [not in the Jamie Redknapp way] chuckled at the verbification of Yosemite Sam. You can imagine the shock this caused, not to mention that this is exactly the sort of thing which needs to be stamped out before the people who need role models, start thinking the Fiver is a role model” – Stuart Siddons.
“So goalie Hope Solo is awarded a 6 month suspension for criticising USA! USA! USA!’s opponents for not passing and playing long balls. Imagine how that would help your Stop Football ! campaign if we took the same attitude over here - it may be that this is what has happened to [honest] Joe Hart” – Marisa Cardoni.
“May I be one of 1,057 American pedants to forgive The Fiver, Hope Solo and U.S. Women’s National Team executive director Rich Nichols for their not realising that the First Amendment to our Constitution limits governments’ ability to restrict speech [Thursday’s Fiver]. As the U.S. Soccer Federation is a private organisation, there is nothing here to see” – JJ Zucal and one other.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is… Raymond Reardon.
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BITS AND BOBS
Southampton have been dealt a tasty group in the Big Vase, with trips to the San Siro, Prague and, eh, Beersheba, while José Mourinho can look forward to Fenerbahce and Feyenoord, perhaps prompting the use of another word beginning with F.
Arsène Wenger has finally remembered the pin for Arsenal’s company card and emptied the account to pay top dollar for Shkodran Mustafi and Lucas Pérez.
After Wilfried Zaha told Crystal Palace he wants to swap Selhurst Park for White Hart Lane, Alan Pardew is unsure whether to start the winger against Bournemouth on Saturday but does “not expect him to use the situation as an excuse”.
Uefa have taken the unsurprising self-serving move of ensuring Europe’s strongest leagues are guaranteed four Big Cup places in the future, ensuring the champions from the weaker nations find it difficult to qualify for what is still officially called the Champions League.
Fresh from losing to a team named after a car for the second year running in the Europa League play-offs, Taxpayers FC have agreed a deal to sign Simone Zaza from Juventus for £24m.
STILL WANT MORE?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine… erm… what comes next? No, sorry, had it there for a seco… TEN! Ten things to look out for this Premier League weekend.
One, two, three, four, five [Fiver Ed – get on with it] … 14 – the 14 fit and available senior professionals tasked with providing Hull City with a miracle. Louise Taylor has more.
Luke Shaw’s mum gets nervous when he goes in for a tackle, but the Manchester United left-back tells Danny Taylor that he’s right as rain after recovering from his leg knack last year in this exclusive interview.
Ol’ DT has been a busy puppy, helping Manchester City lament another rock-hard Champions League draw.
Simon Burnton is pretty confident he can handle the truth – the truth about transfer fees. If only the clubs would tell us what they are.
If you were left scratching your head and thinking “Who the eff is Steven Defour?”, then worry not because Jamie Jackson is here to tell you all you need to know.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
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