IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
Perusing a recent edition of L’Equipe with an accompanying cafe au lait and a Gitanes hanging loosely from our lips, The Fiver found Arsène Wenger in reflective and philosophical mood. Well, we would have if our schoolboy French extended further than a few dismissive obscenities and asking for directions to the pharmacy. Luckily, our stereotypical wine-quaffing, love-making, beret-wearing, accordion-playing French cousin Street Miming Embarrassing Rap Music Haw-Hee-Haw-Hee-Haw Fiver was on hand to translate for us and it seems Monsieur Wenger has been uncharacteristically forthcoming when talking to his native press in recent days.
“In the religious world, God created man,” he said. “I am only a guide. I allow others to express what they have in them. I have not created anything. I am a facilitator of what is beautiful in man,” he added, going into a little more detail than usual by way of reply to the stock journalistic opener: “So Arsène, any knocks?” Whether or not God is pleased with the manner in which his Emirates-based conduit is facilitating all that is beautiful about the lumbering Per Mertesacker’s turning circle, Danny Welbeck’s knacked knee and Olivier Giroud’s increasingly maddening inability to rise to the big occasion remains to be seen, but if he was tuning into Sunday’s north London derby from whatever cloud he’s been floating about on he’ll have been decidedly perplexed by the version of Spurs he saw gadding about the Emirates. This was a team of determined, spirited and hungry grafters that looked nothing like the largely indolent rabble of too-big-for-their-boots also-rans whose quintessential essence was captured so perfectly in that famous three-word Lord Ferg pre-match team-talk that consisted of: “Lads, it’s Tottenham.”
“My feeling is it’s not fair, we deserved more,” said Mauricio Pochettino, God’s facilitator when it comes to drawing the beauty out of Eric Dier, Mousa Dembélé and Harry Kane. “It’s true we conceded chances but my feeling is we deserved to win the game.” Few would disagree and we’re going to give his team the benefit of the doubt and put their concession of a late equaliser down to fatigue rather than Spurs just doing a “Lads, it’s Tottenham”.
Indeed, The Fiver isn’t the only well respected football commentator who feels there’s something of a revolution well under way at White Hart Lane, where Pochettino appears to have girded the team’s famously soft underbelly with a steely new resolve. “There’s a team out there now that isn’t as flaky as it used to be, that runs like crazy, that absolutely ran all over Arsenal for 75 minutes during that game,” said St Gary of Neville, taking time out from his hectic schedule of sheltering the homeless and celebrating the FA Cup first-round win of plucky, low-key and publicity shy billionaire-owned minnows Salford City and generally becoming a national treasure. “From Pochettino’s point of view, he will have a bit of a tingle because he can feel where he’s taking this team.” The Fiver’s got a tingle too, but it’s just the onset of yet another hideous cold sore from which not even the combined facilitators of Spurs and Arsenal could dream of extracting any beauty.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“El Clásico has never made me orgasm, but nearly” – too much information, Sergio Ramos.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Re: the ‘No’ song debate (Fiver letters passim). May I humbly suggest that, whatever version of 2 Unlimited’s offering you listen to, The Human Beinz’s 1967 cover of Nobody But Me, a ’62 release by the Isley Brothers, has it beat. The vocal intro has at least 30 x ‘no’ and is repeated halfway through the song. Then in the coda there’s a partial repeat, twice, plus some linking nos – kinda lost count, actually, but at least 40 here. A cool hundred-plus in the 2min 22sec of the song – a clear winner, comfortably demonstrating that anything by the Isleys will always be better than 2 Unlimited” – Luke Williams.
“May I be the first of 1,057 Star Trek/US Navy pedants to point out that Dermot McDermott’s suggestion that vessels with the USS designation are only from the Star Trek universe (Friday’s Fiver letters) is entirely false. While in Star Trek the designation USS means ‘United Space Ship’, back in the real world of the US Navy the USS signifies ‘United States Ship’. Of course, this rather overlooks the fact that, at the time of writing, the US Navy’s fleet is yet to include ships capable of orbital flight, unless of course recent reports of water on Mars have been dramatically under-reported” – Toby Beels (and 1,056 others).
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BITS AND BOBS
Real Sociedad have sacked David Moyes.
Chelsea, Liverpool and Manchester United are huddled around TV screens, Sliver-style, and monitoring the progress of Nordsjaelland’s Denmark U-19s striker Emre Mor.
Liverpool boss Jürgen Klopp didn’t think much of home fans doing one early in Sunday’s 2-1 defeat at home to Crystal Palace. “After the goal on 82 minutes, with 12 minutes to go, I saw many people leaving the stadium,” he sighed. “I felt pretty alone at this moment. We decide when it is over.”
FC United fans will protest at tonight’s FA Cup first-round tie against Chesterfield after it was moved to a Monday night kick-off for TV purposes. “To have an FA Cup tie in our own stadium is a magical thing but the FA has tarnished it,” sniffed board member Adam Brown.
The Queen’s Celtic have criticised the small minority of fans who disrupted the minute’s silence to commemorate Remembrance Sunday before the 4-1 win at Ross County. “Clearly we are disappointed a handful of individuals have chosen to embarrass the club and our supporters in this way,” said the club. “These individuals are not welcome at Celtic.”
And 2012’s Michu has been cut loose by Swansea City.
STILL WANT MORE?
“Surely the whole point of going to watch sport is the uncertainty, the possibility of unlikely twists and late stings” – Amy Lawrence on the phenomenon of fans leaving early.
Sid Lowe reckons David Moyes was a bit like John McClane: the right guy in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Paolo Bandini reports on a deserted Rome derby.
Quiz time: test your knowledge of goalscoring streaks.
Get your 10 talking points from the weekend’s Premier League action while they’re warm.
A short celebration of Pierluigi Collina, because Pierluigi Collina.
How the Major League Soccerball Conference semi-finals went down.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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