R-E-S-P-E-C-T
The idea that certain values should be upheld no matter the circumstances is one The Fiver has always fought dirty to uphold. Truly great football clubs do likewise. Take Bayern Munich, for example. Seven matches into the Bundesliga season, they would normally have the title wrapped up by now but instead they find themselves sprawled sixth in the table, their chances of winning the league for a 47th consecutive year reclassified from absolutely certain to more or less inevitable. This is a crisis.
But Bayern didn’t become the super-wealthy sporting corporation they are today by losing their senses at the first hint of adversity. Even amid unprecedented criticism of their performances, Bayern remain steadfast in their commitment to entertain. If players are flopping on the pitch, then the club’s suits will take up the slack. On Friday, they put on a heck of a show.
The German hackery was expecting something special when a press conference was convened by Bayern’s top three blazers, chief suit Karl-Heinz Rummenigge, sporting director Hasan Salihamidzic and blowhard Uli Hoeness. Immediately, there was speculation that Bayern were about to announce the dismissal of manager Niko Kovac or confirm rumours that Arsène Wenger was being drafted in to help put the so-called failure into context. But it soon became clear that Bayern are concerned not so much about their own difficulties but about what forthright criticism of their players is doing to the overall tone of football discourse.
Rummenigge began by quoting from Article 1 of the German constitution: “Human dignity is unimpeachable,” he lectured, complaining that some observers have been too “degrading” in their assessment of certain players, adding that language should be “respectful” and individuals should not be singled out in a team sport. “Today is an important day as we inform you that we will no longer tolerate this derogatory and derisive reporting,” continued Rummenigge.
That all proved to be the perfect tee-up for Hoeness, who then answered a question about the summer sale of Juan Bernat to PSG by explaining: “When we played in Sevilla last season [in Big Cup], he was single-handedly responsible for us nearly getting eliminated … I would have liked to hear commentators say how sh!t he played.” This is the same Hoeness, remember, who himself declared in the summer that Mesut Özil “has been playing sh!t for years”. So the former convict certainly can’t be accused of hypocrisy.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It is truly fitting to mark Joe Hart’s outstanding contribution to Manchester City in such a visible way” – Man City chief suit Khaldoon al-Mubarak dedicates a training pitch to their former keeper, who became invisible as soon as Pep turned up.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Football Weekly Extra is in the building.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I don’t think that Emmanuel Dairo (Fiver letter yesterday) is as clever as he pretends. His statement that your mathematical statement the previous day “..contains one half of the equation of a circle (x — 5)² + (y — 10)² The other part, the radius, is missing” left me bemused. . Just to be clear, and according to the fount of all wisdom that is the interweb - “Use the Distance Formula to find the equation of the circle. Substitute ( x 1 , y 1 ) = ( h , k ) , ( x 2 , y 2 ) = ( x , y ) and . The equation of a circle with centre and radius units is ( x − h ) 2 + ( y − k ) 2 = r 2 .” Glad I’ve cleared that up!” – Mick Mellors.
“Luke Shaw he may have surprised some by signing a five-year contract but for 4.95 of those years he won’t have to put up with the Special One, so fair play to him” – Anthony T.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Anthony T, who gets a copy Ian Plenderleith’s The Quiet Fan. We’ve more to give away, so keep scribbling.
BITS AND BOBS
Master of self control José Mourinho, says he won’t gloat if Manchester United beat Chelsea. “Would I celebrate like crazy? I don’t think so. I think I would try to control myself and to respect the stadium and the supporters,” honked the man who did this.
Jürgen Klopp reckons his old mucker David Wagner will have completed the holy trinity of plucky club achievements if Huddersfield stay up. “Getting promoted with Huddersfield is a miracle. Staying in the league is a miracle. Then this year if they stay up it’s a hat-trick of miracles,” cheered Klopp.
Christian Eriksen should have recored from stomach-knack in time to face West Ham. “Christian is ready again to compete and play,” whooped Spurs boss Mauricio Pochettino.
Maurizio Sarri condemned the vile abuse that Chelsea’s Karen Carney received on social media after her team’s 1-0 win over Fiorentina. “She’s a very good midfielder. About the situation, what can I say? It’s not acceptable. It’s disgusting,” he said.
Manchester City have won the league.
And Torquay manager Gary Johnson was left dazed and confused after receiving a live on-air call from BBC Cornwall asking him what his problem was. “‘What’s the problem?’ What problem? We haven’t got a problem” yelped Johnson, before the show’s host Lawrence Reed told him the call was intended for a vexed owner of a skip company.
STILL WANT MORE?
What links José Mourinho with the Great Plague of 1655-1666? Barney Ronay explains why it’s more than just his brand of football …
Paul MacInnes tackles the question the FA will be asking themselves: should Mourinho be punished for mouthing naughty words in Portuguese?
Club football is back! Which means there are 10 things to ponder over ahead of the Premier League this weekend.
Sam Diss asks: what makes a great football stadium?
Ed Aarons has been speaking to England’s amputee footballers ahead of their bid for World Cup glory in Mexico.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
