RED LIGHTS
The Fiver cannot help but note this season’s Premier League broadly resembles an F1 race in which nothing untoward has befallen the car on pole at the first corner. Done and dusted, in other words, bar a series of “battles” for individual positions of varying import. We cut to Sergio Pérez and Nico Hülkenberg in the all-important Battle for 10th; in other news, Brighton and Everton are locked in a tense arm wrestle to finish in the top half!
Saturday’s trophy within a trophy is at least slightly more exalted: Old Trafford hosts the Battle for Second but, with seven goals in the last six editions of a fixture that has consistently fallen flat, it would take a brave pundit to safely predict a ratcheting up of dramatic tension. Even if that pundit was RT’s Jose Mourinho, who may usefully see his post-match media engagements after this inevitably stifling goalless draw as a useful dry run for his summer gig.
Nobody can spin the parking of a bus into a galaxy of honourable intentions quite like Mourinho, after all, but if nuanced analysis is to be his future vocation then he seems intent on throwing shade on some of his new employers’ competition. “Some of the guys with an opinion couldn’t resolve their own problems when they were managers, so they are giving opinions like they have solutions for everything,” he smouldered on Friday, seemingly in response to Gary Neville’s reference on Sky about an “inefficient” United team after their startlingly swashbuckling win at Crystal Palace.
Presumably Mourinho will have any outstanding issues tied up nicely in a bow by May then, so he can concentrate on telling Jogi Löw how to improve Germany from a sofa with preferential sightlines to the Kremlin. Paul Pogba and Scott McTominay will, by then, have formed the most intuitive midfield pair since Xavi and Iniesta. Alexis Sánchez will not, in fact, be a man close to the wrong side of 30 whose trademark energy levels are about to tail off and leave half the player behind. If they can repel Jürgen Klopp and Liverpool, who are the anti-United in all bar the stats that matter, then second place should be in the bag and somebody in a Moscow studio will soon enough be extolling the marvel that such a modestly-assembled bunch of minstrels could keep Pep Guardiola’s crew to within a mere 15 points.
The smoke and mirrors are a lot of what keeps all this interesting, these days. But cut through it all and Saturday’s showdown provides little more than a consolation prize for whoever can get nearest to Manchester City’s crystal-clear rear view. If it’s another borefest, though, then fear not: the keenly-awaited Battle for 10th really does kick off at Goodison Park half an hour after that one ends.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“To have no wins so far into the season obviously isn’t nice but the banter has been good” – Brechin supporters’ club chairman Dean Walker ruminates on the Scottish Championship outfit’s entirely winless season so far. They host Dundee United on Saturday. C’mon City!
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
The latest Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaaaaaa digs into Big Cup, the battle for survival, a weekend preview and, er, John Hartson’s underwear habits.
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FIVER LETTERS
“In keeping with the slowing down of football (and this may also tie into The Fiver’s Stop Football campaign) I’d like to propose the literary equivalent of VAR, the ‘Fiver Letter Review’. It seems to me The Fiver made a ‘clear and obvious error’ in awarding Matt Gambrill yesterday’s prizeless letter o’ the day. It’s obvious to anyone with a sense of humour that Christopher Smith’s missive was much funnier. Oh, I get it. As you were” – Jeremy Adams.
“On receiving yesterday’s email I could already predict the prose and tone of your piece around Spurs’ defeat in Big Cup. Indeed, as Fiver pieces go, it was very much ‘Traditions That Must Be Upheld’ as you attempted to mock a defeat by an English club that most of us non-Spurs fans (bar some Londoners) were genuinely disappointed by, despite appreciating Juve’s excellence when it mattered. You probably won’t print this but sometimes it’d be nice if your admittedly excellent and (often) funny writers didn’t stick the dagger in for the sake of it and just found an altogether different story to amuse us with” – Paul Buller.
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THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Dejan Lovren says an attempted break-in at his home had a “horrific” impact on his family and affected his Liverpool performances. “I am giving my best to have a quiet life, but sometimes it doesn’t depend on myself because people just want to come into my home and steal some things, even though I have nothing in my home,” he said. “Unfortunately my wife was in and two kids.”
Some rare respite at Arsenal after their 2-0 Big Vase win in Milan. “In one week you do not become a bad team or a bad player,” cooed Arsène Wenger, keeping his chat well away from the touchline.
Mauricio Pochettino is still steaming about Spurs’ Big Cup exit and dark arts. “Juve are specialists, because they have the habit to win, the habit to put pressure on the referee,” he seethed. “The owner [Agnelli] stayed in the tunnel before and during the game.”
Cardiff manager Neil Warnock isn’t having any of the whinges about Wolves and their connections with Mr 25% Jorge Mendes. “It doesn’t bother me if they sign Neymar,” he tooted. “I wish we all had contacts like they have … We had to shop at the other end, but who’s to say Aldi is not as good as Waitrose? I like going in Aldi, they’ve got a nice bottle of whisky in there.”
Some weekend match previews: Everton v Brighton, West Brom v Leicester, Huddersfield v Swansea and the rest which will pitch up here.
And a big twist in Belgium’s World Cup song farrago, after FA suits axed plans for rapper Damso to record the track owing to his penchant for misogynistic lyrics. “We deeply regret the social controversy that has arisen in recent days,” simpered the FA. “We decided (in mutual consultation) to terminate the cooperation with Damso. Unfortunately, this implies that there will be no official World Cup song.”
STILL WANT MORE?
The search for Jordan Hugill, Glenn Murray’s on-the-plane credentials and more among 10 things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend.
Will José Mourinho let Manchester United throw off the shackles and go for it at home to Liverpool? Jamie Jackson doubts it.
The real Mesut Özil stood up at San Siro, all the other Mesut Özils were just imitating, cheers Amy Lawrence.
Juve’s show of mental strength doesn’t mean Spurs bottled it, insists David Hytner.
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