SULLYING THE GOOD NAME OF COPA AMERICA BRAWLS
It was, yet again, an embarrassing betrayal of Brazil’s rich footballing heritage. Things really have sunk to a sorry state when the Selecao’s best player can’t even land a headbutt. How the great Samba stars of the past must have cringed – heroes like the lads of ‘74 – as they watched Brazil’s feeble attempt to batter Colombia into submission this morning! And how they must have launched themselves two-fisted into fearsome rages at Neymar’s restrained nodding during a token post-match jostle that sullied the good name of Copa América brawls.
Neymar was sent off following his bloodless act and he deserved all the criticism that came his way – except none came, at least not from Dunga, the manager who was supposed to be restoring Brazilian pride following last year’s World Cup, during which they endured a humiliating debagging by Germany but at least managed to kick Colombia out of the tournament. “Colombia showed that it is a very experienced team,” mourned Dunga after a loss that leaves Brazil needing to give Venezuela a proper hiding if they are to avoid an early elimination from the continental showpiece. But Dunga does not seem to be very optimistic, as he confessed that the current generation of Brazilian players just might not have what it takes: “Brazil have to play football, Brazil can’t go to war,” he sobbed.
“We have to focus on what we do best,” concluded Dunga, seemingly suggesting that Brazil just give up trying to nurture footballers and warriors and instead just remain a slickly-marketed cabaret act that tours the monied footballing outposts of the world, racking up lucrative victories over Qatar, Macau and Las Vegas.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’m a victim of the game. It’s a disaster, but that is not the point, I accepted the job. [But] I was not paid to be the Che Guevara of the sports business. Please don’t make me the guy responsible for the fact that Fifa is rotten” – Frédéric Auburtin, who directed United Passions, now confirmed as the lowest-grossing film in US history, speaks out about the pressure of working on the massive flop, which he says, and you’ll like this, Fifa wanted to call ‘Men of Legend’ or ‘The Dreammakers’.
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BITS AND BOBS
Belgium may seek compensation over the £3m they spent on their unsuccessful 2018 World Cup bid if Russia’s victory is found to be fraudulent.
Adnan Januzaj has no plans to leave Old Trafford this summer. “Adnan is considered still as their biggest talent since many years,” honked his Mr 15%. “There was a lot of top teams asking to buy him and a lot of sub-top teams to loan him but he will stay at Manchester United to become a legend in the club.”
Astronomers, fed up with finding shiny things really far away and getting no publicity for doing so, say the name of their most recently-discovered galaxy, Cosmos Redshift 7, was inspired by Cristiano Ronaldo. “It’s an exceptionally rare object – by far the hottest we’ve observed at this stage of the universe,” trilled a European Southern Observatory suit.
On the subject of things that light up an otherwise dark and scary place, Stoke are hopeful of keeping Steven N’Zonzi at the Britannia. “Steven’s a great footballer, and obviously player of the year. We don’t want to be losing players of quality like Steven but that’s not always in our hands,” sniffed chief executive Tony Scholes.
Former Pope’s Newc O’Rangers defender Bilel Mohsni has been handed a seven-game ban for aiming a right boot and a left hook at Motherwell’s Lee Erwin’s tail and chin.
Qualification’s Saido Berahino has pulled out of the European U-21s Championship with knee-knack.
And Liverpool have swooped for Charlton teenager and probable future Reading/Bolton/Brentford loanee Joe Gomez in a £3.5m deal.
STILL WANT MORE?
Will USA make an example out of Clint Dempsey’s playground strop, wonders Graham Parker.
From one petulant red card to another, Jonathan Wilson reports from Santiago on a wound-up Neymar and a downbeat Brazil.
Rafael van der Vaart, an anachronism in a game with decreasing levels of indulgence for those dedicated solely to creating. Nick Ames laments the dying breed of shirt-out footballers.
From one triffic left peg to another, Nick Ames returns with the skinny on Manchester City’s swoop for England’s Tottenham-hater, Jack Wilshere. Probably. Possibly. Perhaps.
Got 40 minutes to spare? Well you must have at least five minutes seeing as you’ve got this far into the Fiver. Anyway, if so, waste it all watching highlights of the 1987-88 season in this week’s Classic YouTube.
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AND THE BEAT GOES ON
