IT’S THAILAND TIME
In this world there are likely things, less likely things, unlikely things, outlandishly unlikely things and, several light years away from those at the extreme far end of the scale, just beyond the possibility of a koala becoming the next British monarch, Love Island winning the Oscar for best foreign-language film and the cure for the common cold being discovered festering in Boris Johnson’s earwax, lies the prospect of Thailand beating USA! USA!! USA!!! at the Women’s World Cup. But still, this is football. Funny old game, etc and so forth. “Of course,” Thai defender Warunee Petchwiset said, “we want to score against [USA! USA!! USA!!!] and hope to surprise them.”
Yep, good luck with that. Thailand’s coach, Nuengruethai Sathongwien, has admitted that USA! USA!! USA!!! are considerably better than the Belgium side her team faced in their final warm-up game 10 days ago. This is demonstrably true: not only do Fifa’s rankings have the Americans at No 1 and Belgium in 20th, but America played Belgium in April and tonked them 6-0. And Thailand lost 6-1 to Belgium. Since winning last summer’s AFF Women’s Championship, a kind of south-east Asian-specific competition also involving Australia’s Under-20s, because Australians are so competitive they are utterly unable to not enter other people’s flamin’ football and singing competitions, Thailand have lost 11 of 12 international fixtures. “It will be a very difficult game for us,” honked Thailand’s captain, Sunisa Srangthaisong. “We will give our best and in football anything can happen. We may get a goal and I think it will be an exciting match.”
It is not exactly true that in football anything can happen. Surely, even in a field as logic-defying as sport, there are limits. Victory for the Thais in their opening World Cup match on Tuesday night would be a shock to make Cameroon beating Argentina at the men’s event in 1990 look positively dull, an upset to render Arya Stark’s single-handed success against the Army of the Dead dispiritingly humdrum or David’s slingshot-inspired takedown of Goliath ruinously run-of-the-mill. Happily for many in Thailand it is not the winning but the taking part that counts. “We are here in the 24-team finals, that is our success,” cheered Sathongwien. “To play one of the best teams in the world, that is also a success.”
USA! USA!! USA!!! are taking nothing for granted. “I respect every team over here because I think sometimes it’s incredibly hard to get here,” tooted their coach, Jill Ellis. Her side know anything but victory would not only significantly undermine their efforts to retain their sport’s greatest title, but also be widely considered absolutely hilarious. “I think if the dream comes true, we can make history to upset one of the best teams in the world,” said Sathongwien. And if the dream does not come true, as already established, “that is also a success”. Therefore, QED, Thailand are certain to win. So congratulations to them.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It could only go 20 km/h and a woman pushing a pram went past us at one stage. But did it affect us? Did it heck. Gibraltar had to come here from Georgia. We came from Castleknock! No excuses at all. Machinery breaks down. I had some lovely pictures taken with the police” – Mick McCarthy on how Republic O’Ireland’s bus-knack was never going to stop his green machine from, um, grinding out a 2-0 home win over their plucky international visitors.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires on … the Women’s World Cup and unnatural arm positions.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Here’s the latest Football Weekly podcast.
FIVER LETTERS
“There’s only one penalty taker that Jordan Pickford should be compared to and it’s not Julian Dicks or José Luis Chilavert (yesterday’s Fiver). It’s Kevin Pressman. See this and, even more emphatically, this” – Matt Emerson.
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Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Matt Emerson.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Netherlands are up and running at France 2019 after a last-gasp Jill Roord header gave them a 1-0 win over New Zealand.
Fifa says its ticketing policy is tickety-boo despite average attendances at the first nine games being less than two-thirds of stadium capacity. “The approach is based on a competitive pricing policy, with prices starting at just under €9 as part of a special €25 package allowing fans to attend three matches,” droned a suit.
Germany midfield dynamo Dzsenifer Marozsan could miss the rest of the World Cup after suffering toe-snap. “You cannot replace her because she has special qualities and abilities,” sniffed boss Martina Voss-Tecklenburg.
What do England need to do to go far at the World Cup? Repeat the first-half performance against Scotland over and over again, according to Lucy Bronze.
Former employees of Brighton claim they were unfairly dismissed in a “witch-hunt” over the alleged leaking of team news last season. “It was a dream job that has been taken off me for no reason,” said ex-groundsman Ashley Smith. “I have a family, mortgage and it’s going to have a massive impact on my whole life. I haven’t been sleeping since.”
Roma’s new manager is former Shakhtar Donetsk Zorro, Paulo Fonseca. “I want to thank the club’s management for the opportunity they have given me,” he tooted. “I am excited and motivated by the task ahead of us.”
Stevenage owner Phil Wallace reckons you need fortune on your side to run a Football League club sustainably. “You’ve got to have good housekeeping, good governance … but then you also need luck,” he sighed, while filling in his pools coupon.
Graham Carey has done one from Plymouth Argyle to CSKA Sofia.
And Iceland’s foreign ministry has hit back at accusations from the Turkish government that their national team was disrespected at Keflavik airport by saying they should have got a wriggle on with submitting paperwork. “Unfortunately, an official request for a fast-track security check from the Turkish Embassy in Oslo was not received in time to be processed,” sighed a suit.
STILL WANT MORE?
Stuart James runs the rule over new Manchester United youngster Daniel James, and comes to the conclusion that he could be dead good but still has work to do.
New series alert! Women’s World Cup game-changing moments. No 1: Marta scores a stunning goal at the 2007 finals.
USA! USA!! USA!!! will not find it easy in a talent-packed World Cup, warns Caitlin Murray.
Nikita Parris has the X-factor, and that’s great news for England, cheers Eni Aluko.
A memo to Spurs and England: Half Fit Harry is no use to anyone.
Football clubs are linking up with prisons to offer coaching – and hope, writes Richard Foster.
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