MONOTONOUS AND PREDICTABLE EXPERT OPINION
Assorted post-mortem reports for England’s scoreless draw against Slovakia have made for amusing reading, with many different causes of death being reported by solemn coroners from the court of expert opinion who appear to have examined the body of a patient that isn’t actually dead. Mr Roy’s team selection seems to be the main bone of contention, with many complaining about the inclusion of various players they feel didn’t quite cut the mustard. Players like Union Jack Wilshere, who many of these self-same joyless ghouls insisted, not too long ago, should definitely be in Mr Roy’s squad.
Not even the second-half intervention of midfield maestro Wayne Rooney could tilt the match in England’s favour, with the English Iniesta forced to run down a series of blind alleys full of hulking tattooed Martin Skrtels with the ball at his feet, what with no outlet of monotonously slow and predictable passes to a galloping Nathaniel Clyne available. On the plus side, he did take one good corner, which was one good corner more than the rest of his team-mates took combined.
Now, with their tournament hopes and dreams in tatters, England face a second round tie against Ferenc Puskas’s Hungary, Iceland with their small mentality or Cristiano Ronaldo and the 10 chiselled abs that are his team-mates. “I definitely feel like we are going to give someone a real beating soon; I hope that we do that,” roared stand-in captain Gary Cahill, who could be accused of tempting fate on a massive scale if one didn’t feel he was talking about assorted frothing members of the English press pack. Showing scant regard for history, the prevailing logic now is that England will be more suited to top-class teams that attack them. Teams like France and Germany and Italy that you wouldn’t confidently bet too much money on them actually getting to play, never mind beat.
Meanwhile in Wales, media folk have been rather less critical of their team’s progress to the knockout stages as Group B winners, appearing naively content to congratulate their players on making it to the last 16 rather than carping incessantly about any minor shortcomings they might have exhibited in doing so. “It is hard to describe, it was an unbelievable occasion,” gawped Gareth Bale, after his team’s 3-0 win against Russia. “It is right up there with anything I have done. Given the pressure of the game that was one of the best team performances I have ever been a part of.” Having exceeded all expectations, shown they’re up to the task in hand and with no pressure whatsoever on their shoulders, Wales could go far in this tournament. England’s players must be looking on in envy, what with having to carry the burden of so much more than a cuddly lion on the collective back.
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RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Group D is coming to a close: here’s what could happen.
And Group C too, where Norn Iron face the world champions. Yikes!
QUOTES OF THE DAY
“The Russian team is soft – we need a Stalinist mobilisation” – the Communist Party of Russia comes up with a novel solution to the 2018 World Cup hosts’ failings after they were sent headlong out of Euro 2016 by Wales
Meanwhile …
“[Wales won] because they’re nationalists. They’ll win any championship. We need people who are p!ssed off. And namely with a national motive” – Vladimir Zhirinovsky, leader of the nationalist LDPR party, reckons they just don’t give enough of a toss about Russia.
FIVER LETTERS
“Watching the destruction of the Swiss shirts in the France game (yesterday’s Quote of the Day), l was reminded of my letter to the Observer which was published about 20-odd years ago, advocating the use of paper shirts in all games. The usual shirts could be used for the swapping after the matches and keepsakes of course but the use of easy ripping fabric during the match would enhance the game and those shirt grabbers at corners would be caught red handed and be unable to hold back the attacker. Maybe Puma had my decades old idea in mind for this game at last” – Michael Kaufman.
“Regards the ongoing debate as to why Scotland chose a unicorn as its national animal (Fiver letters passim). Sure it’s a horse that can stab you, but it’s also a widely admired beast that will never (in all eternity) get further than the first round of evolution” – Justin Kavanagh.
“Just a quick note on the current Fiver layout – it may be wise to stop putting pictures of the AC Jimbo crew directly above the advert for Guardian Soulmates. Those not paying much attention could be forgiven for thinking Soulmates has turned into some sort of metrosexual reality blog featuring a lot of middle-aged men with varying degrees of facial hair” – Christopher Bates.
“So, the relentless early Fiver arrivals over the past week has now emboldened the powers that be to highlight Southern Trains tardiness (yesterday’s Last Line). Bravo sirs! Bravo!” – Martin Dickson.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Michael Kaufman.
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BITS AND BOBS
Zlatan Ibrahimovic has announced his retirement from international football, but not until his Euro 2016 ends, which will at 10pm tomorrow night when Sweden fail to beat Belgium.
Never saw this coming dept: Carlo Ancelotti has whistled and his faithful cone-putter-outer Paul Clement has joined Bayern Munich as his assistant manager.
“Yeah, take them out.” Roy Keane has readied the Republic O’ Ireland for a rumble against Italy in a way that only Roy Keane can.
Leicester have signed this year’s Christian Fuchs: Luis Hernández has joined for nowt from Sporting Gijón to bolster their defence.
And Brazil have filled the Dunga-shaped hole in their managerial hotseat with former Corinthians coach Tite. “It’s a personal goal and perhaps my best professional moment,” he cooed.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires on the latest Euro 2016 happenings.
STILL WANT MORE?
Croatia’s Ivan Rakitic aims to use his noggin and draw on his La Liga experience against Spain, writes Sid Lowe.
Who will England get knocked out by in the last 16? Here’s our handy explainer.
Mr Roy has been left in a spin after his search for a magic spark backfired against Slovakia, writes Barney Ronay.
How exactly do USA! USA!! USA!!! beat Argentina in the Copa América semi-final? asks Graham Parker, and no, tying Lionel Messi’s legs together is not one of the answers.
