AGÜEROOOOOOOOOOOOOO … OH
Regrets, The Fiver has had a few, but even this remorseful tea-timely email wonders what Pep Guardiola is playing at sometimes. Tirelessly tinkering in his underground lab, Dr Pep has set about dismantling and ruthlessly reassembling the core of a double title-winning team. Joe Hart has been packed off on a compulsory gap year, Yaya Touré was locked in a cupboard for the best part of three months, and most terrifying of all, Aleksandar Kolarov has been repurposed as a centre-back.
This time, Guardiola has surely gone too far, training his sights on Sergio Agüero, the man who found a cure for Cityitis. Agüero has a serious claim for the title of Manchester City’s greatest ever player – but City’s favourite son has a trendy new stepdad, clad in Converse, pretending to like Ed Sheeran, imploring young Sergio to call him Uncle Pep and to please take the recycling out before brunch. Having been dropped for the young, fresh and new Gabriel Jesus against Swansea, the Argentinian made plenty of space between the lines, claiming he had to learn from a player who was barely 15 when Agüero scored that goal.
On Sunday, Guardiola hinted that Agüero’s days at City really could be numbered. “I would like him to stay, but I don’t know what is going to happen,” Pep trilled, thudding the ball back into Agüero’s court. “I know he’s trying. I know how much he fought against Tottenham, and how many chances he had,” Guardiola added, tucking the award for most loaded compliment of the season under his arm. Uncle Pep has plenty of previous: in his time at Barcelona and Bayern, he crammed an all-star fleet of players, including Ronaldinho, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Samuel Eto’o, Toni Kroos, Mario Gómez, Bastian Schweinsteiger, and yes, Yaya Touré into a minibus for a tricky away fixture at Do One FC.
This has not been Agüero’s finest season – he’s scored 18 goals, but missed seven games through suspension. Four of those were for a Mortal Kombat finishing move on David Luiz that completed a 30-minute Chelsea title presentation at the Etihad in December. Regardless of recent misdemeanours, Agüero remains the Premier League’s supreme goalscorer, a relentless Sensible Soccer sprite that can subsist on goals alone. However immediate Jesus’s impact, however implausibly high those cheekbones, whatever noises he stirs from Weird Uncle Fiver during Goals on Sunday, those are big boots to fill.
Next up, City travel to Bournemouth, a team with all the defensive know-how of a wet paper bag. It’s hard to envisage any attacking line-up Guardiola fields failing to enjoy themselves. The same can’t be said for the away fans, sent 250 miles from home on a cold Monday night in another triumph for Premier League suits. Travelling fans hoping to get home before dawn will need to leave at half-time – but there’s always the local nightspots. Vodka shots £1.50, with a guest appearance from Dappy, you say? Now, what were we saying about regrets …
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We were very aware that the presence at the game of Mr Robinson, a former Milton Keynes manager, represented a risk because many of our fans feel he was very disrespectful of our club in his time there. For that reason we went out of our way to avoid any incidents – at the start of the game he was accompanied on to the pitch by our manager, Neal Ardley, to try to reduce the hostile reception he got, and he was also accompanied on and off the pitch by a steward, without incident, before and after half-time. Unfortunately, as he was leaving the pitch at the end of the game it appears that he was abused by one of our volunteers. This does not reflect well on anyone” – AFC Wimbledon chief suit Erik Samuelson issues a statement on the post-match shenanigans surrounding Charlton boss Karl Robinson after the 1-1 League One draw. “I can’t say what he said – you’d be appalled,” sniffed the Addicks’ boss.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Friday’s Fiver letters. It’s ‘in’ the same team. Never ‘on’. In these dark and difficult times, we’ve got to stick together more than ever” – Ed Bracken.
“Re: Arsène Wenger (Friday’s Bits and Bobs). The Fight Club reference is pretty lame, don’t you think? And does Wenger really sound like a car horn or a goose? It’s clear you need some new blood if The Fiver is to be amusing, rather then just informative” – Roger Perry.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
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BITS AND BOBS
St Johnstone boss Tommy Wright insists he’s focused on the job at hand, rather than the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers vacancy, after Mark Warburton was resigned. “Mark had done a good job and obviously something has happened there,” he bugled. “But it is all speculation. Pure speculation. From my point of view, for people to link me to a club that size and a club with that much history and success, shows that I am doing a good job and the press are recognising that and linking me.”
The end could be nearing for Claudio Ranieri after Leicester’s fifth league defeat on the spin, at Swansea. “It is difficult when you achieve something so good you want to give them one chance, two chances, three chances. Maybe now it is too much,” he sighed.
Swans winger Nathan Dyer will miss the rest of the season after rupturing an achilles in their win.
Bayern Munich striker Robert Lewandowski expects a tough Big Cup test in the Round of Arsenal this week. “Everyone’s waiting for this game. It will be a big challenge for us,” he honked.
And Coventry City have signed Yakubu Aiyegbeni, 85, on a short-term deal. “He is astute on the ball, has clear quality and presence, and we’ll continue to work on his match fitness,” chirped Russell Slade, offering the key caveat.
STILL WANT MORE?
Pescara are currently enduring one of the worst Serie A seasons in history. Cue the arson attacks. Paolo Bandini has the skinny.
Old Bayern were back on display to begin Philipp Lahm’s send-off in style, reports Andy Brassell.
Sean Ingle on the art of crossing.
La Liga has a relegation battle this season after all. Sid Lowe has more.
Bob Bradley talks Swansea City and the future, in this chat with Graham Ruthven.
Dominic Fifield on Bournemouth and Eddie Howe’s transfer record.
Bordeaux are being held back by their perseverance with Jérémy Ménez, write Adam White and Eric Devin.
Barnsley are back on another mission impossible, as Ben Fisher explains.
Some archive reading: Rob Smyth remembers Oldham Athletic’s pinch-me season and how it won over a nation.
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