BALLON BORE
As the 28 other blokes on this year’s 30-man Ballon d’Or shortlist arranged their features in full-on Oscar split-screen I’m-so-happy-for-him sincerity mode last night, the tension was palpable. There were so many questions. Would Lionel Messi win the award for a sixth time, pulling two ahead of Him? Would Him win it a fifth time, drawing level with Messi? Would any well known German journalist and BT Sport pundit currently hawking a book about Jürgen Klopp be foolish enough to venture his thoughts on the outcome on social media disgrace Twitter, in the process prompting the kind of mouth-foaming-fan-boy outrage that makes the kind of reaction with which Donald Trump’s pig-ignorant-late-night musings seem like tumbleweed blowing through an abandoned Western frontier town?
No, yes and yes were the answers and it was Him who was left beaming as Him picked up his fifth golden football, continuing the decade-long stranglehold Him and little Leo have maintained over one of the most coveted individual awards on offer to players in the world’s most popular team sport. Despite scoring a paltry 49 goals this calendar year compared to his main rival’s 52, Him got to stand on the Eiffel Tower with the presentation party including his significantly-better Brazilian namesake, David Ginola and L’il Mickey Owen, thanks to hat-tricks against Bayern Munich and Atlético Madrid in the quarter and semi-finals of Big Cup, not to mention his double in the 4-1 final win over Juventus. It also helped that Him was part of the Real Madrid side who beat Barcelona to La Liga title.
Currently rumoured in Spanish media to be the main topic of conversation on a Real Madrid WhatsApp group that Him isn’t part of, Him was happy to thank those team-mates who reportedly think he is too selfish and obsessed with individual awards for their contribution to his latest individual award. “Last year we had an amazing season in [Big Cup] and La Liga,” Him purred. “I have to thank my team-mates, Real Madrid and the rest of the people who helped me to be in great shape throughout the season.” And yet: “I don’t see anyone better than me,” Him said modestly in an interview with France Football, who presented him with the bauble. “No player does things that I cannot do myself, but I see things others can’t do. There’s no more complete player than me. I’m the best player in history – in the good and the bad moments.” Neymar, for anyone who is interested, came third.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“James Bond is absolutely delighted with his shades on. He’s on the night shift tonight, luckily managed to squeeze in the game” – Andrew Robertson and Jon Flanagan gear up for Sunday’s Merseyside derby by providing an alternative commentary for when Liverpool and Everton met at Anfield in April.
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FIVER LETTERS
“With the announcement of the timeslots for the next batch of Premier League games, it looks like David Mitchell was right – the football is officially going on forever. So … how’s STOP FOOTBALL working out for you?” – Jim Hearson.
“I like to monitor your description of the remaining number of copies of Football Manager over the days/weeks of the annual giveaway. From what I can gather, it goes Loads>Plenty>A Few More>Last One>Oops We Found One More Down the Sofa. Wednesday marked the dreaded first appearance of “A Few More,” but now today we are back to “Plenty,” which has really thrown me off, although it has given me renewed hope that I still have time to think of something funny to say (a feeling with which I am sure you are all too familiar)” – Chad Thomas.
“What was it about my letter yesterday concerning glue products that failed to galvanise you? (I avoided saying rivet but you wouldn’t understand.) I presume you are all so wealthy you do not understand the essentials of DIY and get tradespeople in?” – Mike Waring.
“May I be the 1,057th of 1,057 pedants to point out that as the last Man Utd FA Cup tie not on TV was January 2005 [yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs], and the next one is January 2018, this will be the first not shown in 13 years, not 12. Of course the chances of Derby winning are similar to my chances of winning letter of the day, for which I assume the prize would be a copy of Football Manager 2017” – Gary Mantle (and no others).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Jim Hearson, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2018, thanks to the good people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got one more copy to give away on Monday, so keep typing.
THE RECAP
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The Colombian judge appointed in May to chair Fifa’s ethics committee’s investigatory branch does not have the requisite experience to do the job, according to a damning report. “Her lack of knowledge of English and French is a major obstacle,” it reads.
Jürgen Klopp hasn’t got a ruddy clue how long Alberto Moreno will be out for with ankle tendon twang. “We need to have a further assessment,” sobbed the German.
Hope Solo, presumably armed with reams of Obama-style posters, has announced her candidacy to become the next USA! USA!! USA!!! Soccer president. “US Soccer cannot continue to be profit before progress,” she trumpeted.
Paolo Guerrero, the Peru captain and all-time record goalscorer, has been handed a 12-month ban after testing positive for cocaine, meaning he will miss next summer’s World Cup.
Sussex police have been forced to admit their claim that significant numbers of Crystal Palace fans had attempted entry to the derby at Brighton armed with “knives and knuckledusters” was false.
Middle England watch out! Full rounds of Premier League matches will be shown on live TV for the first time from 2019 with Saturday night prime time games directly rivalling X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing.
Middle USA! USA!! USA!!! watch out! Manchester City and Manchester United are mulling over the idea of another friendly rendezvous across the pond next summer.
Hounslow Borough Council has given Brentford the green light to begin construction of their new 17,250-seated stadium. “We hope we can begin in February,” tooted chairman Cliff Crown. Pub on every corner TBC.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Sullivan owns up, telling Jacob Steinberg he’s not done well enough at West Ham United. And that’s only the start of it.
It’s Manchester United v Manchester City on Sunday, so Barney Ronay wrote this.
The Merseyside, the Manchester and the, er, Watford (Sean Dyche v Marco Silva) derbies, plus SEVEN more things to look out for this weekend.
Juventus to snap up Liverpool’s Emre Can in January and Leon Bailey to Chelsea? That and more in today’s Rumour Mill.
From Chelsea’s deep freeze to Robbie Fowler’s magic daps, here’s a glorious Joy of Six: Cup Winners’ Cup edition.
Sports quiz of the week: two big derbies, a petrified referee and a fighting soldier.
The beaten finalists who were more memorable than the champions (Bayern Munich 1999, we’re looking at you), courtesy of Mark Sanderson.
Toronto FC was once the favourite punchline of MLS but now they’re hopeful of having the last laugh. Graham Ruthven has more.
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