Pip, pip for now
Sit down, kids and let The Fiver give you a bit of free advice. The world isn’t fair. So you can quit that delusion right now. If anyone tries to tell you that you’ll achieve your dreams through talent and hard work, ignore them. They’re just trying to make you feel better about the inherent awfulness of existence. It’s not a meritocracy, life. The top gigs don’t necessarily go to the best, and life’s silt and sediment often rises to the top, leaving the cream frustrated and cross somewhere around the middle. The Fiver didn’t get the plum gig of writing a witty and satirical tea-timely email by being witty and satirical, after all. We got it because there was literally nobody else here who could type and The Man found us hiding under the desk, pushing processed ham and peach liqueur into our mouths in an effort to forget about the inherent awfulness of existence.
Anyway, apropos of nothing at all, we bring you news that Philip Neville, famous of course for being the brother of both that bloke who does banter with Jamie Carragher on the telly and the coach of the England netball team, has landed a pretty sweet posting as assistant manager of Valencia. The Spanish club, we assume, were most impressed with the way our hero Phil Nealed his way to helping David Moyes post the most grindingly mediocre season in Manchester United’s recent history, and reasoned that’s exactly the sort of sweet style they need at the Mestella.
“Philip Neville has great experience at the top level of competition,” Valencia boss Nuno Espírito Santo intoned from a cue card of generic talking points. “But above all he has knowledge and values that fit perfectly with our team and our club. He has always been a team player, and our philosophy is based on teamwork. We are – and want to continue to be – a group.”
“I am convinced,” Nuno continued, funnily enough sounding not at all convincing, “he is going to help us a lot.” Nuno was very much on message, as was whoever wrote the announcement for the Valencia official website, describing Philip as a “real English football legend”, inviting us to ‘take a look at the numbers’ for proof. Quite so.
Still, it looks like Valencia have got a definite strategy in mind. Philip replaces Ian Cathro, the upsettingly young Scottish coach purloined to make Second Choice Steve’s decisions for him at Newcastle, presumably indicating that Valencia reckon Britain is where it’s at as far as coaching is concerned. And from a land that has produced upwards of one FA Cup, Premier League or Champions League-winning manager not called Lord Ferg in the last 20 years, you can definitely see what they’re getting at.
An amusing side note is that, despite Valencia officially announcing the appointment themselves officially on their official website, complete with that welcoming statement by their manager, assorted English journalists piped up to tell them that no, actually, as it turns out they hadn’t appointed Philip just yet after all, and that discussions were actually ongoing. Which will presumably have been a surprise to Valencia. The Fiver will therefore seek confirmation from the press pack whether we actually have drunk the last dregs of this peach liqueur or whether we merely think we have, after placing the bottle to our lips, tilting it in the traditional manner and pouring the sickly sweet booze down our throat.
Incidentally, in completely unrelated news, among Valencia owner Peter Lim’s other business interests is a 50% stake in Salford City FC. The other half is owned by a collection of former Manchester United players, including one P.Neville. Enjoy your day.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Nick Ames in the MBM hot seat for Chile 2-2 Peru (5-4 pens) at the Copa América from midnight.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I nearly cursed Eto’o for that semi-final defeat in the Nations Cup. I was heartbroken, but he has come to pay for his sins today” – The Reverend Sam Korankye-Ankrah, Apostle General of the Royal House Chapel in Ghana, reveals that a charity gift from Samuel Eto’o has just about allowed him to forget about how close he came to calling for the wrath of God to rain down upon the striker for daring to score against the Black Stars in 2008.
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BITS AND BOBS
Petr Cech has flown the Chelsea coup all the way to Arsenal. “I thought this would never happen, but it is time for me to say goodbye to Chelsea,” he sobbed.
Not content with just poking him in the bottom, Chile’s Gonzalo Jara has also been accused of goading Edinson Cavani during their Copa América handbags. “He said that Cavani’s father was going to get 20 years [in prison],” sniffed Uruguay’s assistant coach Mario Rebollo.
One of the lynchpins – alongside Fred, Wallace and Bernard – of Brazil’s famed Players With Names That Make Them Sound Like They Are In A Working Man’s Club XI, Douglas Costa says he is about to board the Do One Express and aims to ride it all the way from Shakhtar Donetsk to Bayern Munich.
Former West Ham defender, Julian Firewall, has returned to Upton Park as a full-time coaching assistant. “It is exciting times for me and exciting times for West Ham,” parped Firewall.
England’s second-choice goalkeeper Siobhan Chamberlain says she is ready to step up against Japan after first-choice stopper Karen Bardsley suffered allergy-knack.
And, fresh from calling Germany’s Under-21 shellacking to Portugal “a dark day” for all the country, Emre Can has defended his right to eat pizza and fizzy branded pop before the match despite facing criticism from teammate Matthias Ginter for doing so. “Going out for a pizza like that is normal. We behaved in the way we should. I don’t know what Matze [Ginter] means,” he burped.
STILL WANT MORE?
There are many things to like about Wales. The beautiful valleys, the 641 castles, that programme about the call centre. According to Paul Doyle, you can also add the Welsh League to that list.
Speaking of Paul Doyle – watch what happens below the line when you suggest Raheem Sterling rather than Jordan Henderson should have been offered the Liverpool captaincy. Then weep.
If you spent the weekend wondering how Carli Lloyd found freedom to become USA’s big-goal hunter, then this piece by Caitlin Murray will put your mind at ease.
Is Sergio Ramos on his way to Manchester City? Will Fabian Delph be going there too? The Rumour Mill has the answer.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Listen to the latest in our Football Weekly presents … series of documentaries: Lutz Pfannenstiel, the global goalkeeper. And suffering from those post-season blues? Get your hands on tickets for an extra special, season previewing, live, on-stage edition of Football Weekly. AC Jimbo, Barry Glendenning, Rafa Honigstein, Paul MacInnes and Gregg Bakowski will be treading the boards in London on Thursday 6 August.
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