SUBSTANDARD
Chelsea made 114 substitutions in the Premier League this season. That works out at precisely three per game, or 100% of all available sub slots. This reveals extraordinary dedication to the substitutioner’s arts on the part of Antonio Conte. It is an achievement that only one team in all of Premier League history had ever equalled. Clearly, this is a man who values substitutions. All the substitutions. Substitutions for him are not a frivolous matter. He considers them, he cherishes them, he values them and more than anything he uses them.
And he uses them late. Fully 87.7% of his Premier League substitutions have come in the 70th minute or later, 55.3% in the last 10 minutes, and 28.1% in the final five. Six of Michy Batshuayi’s 16 league appearances in 2016 lasted for one minute or less. In three games – away at Middlesbrough and Sunderland, and at home to Bournemouth – he found himself with two substitutions left unused as the game reached its last minute. One can only imagine the scenes of wild panic on the Chelsea bench as Conte successfully fought not to let those changes go to waste.
On Sunday he sacrificed one to a premeditated act of wildly excessive ego-buffing. One imagines this must have particularly hurt the Italian, who found himself suddenly deprived of a beloved substitutional opportunity. The Fiver imagines him silently sobbing during Plain Old John Terry’s lachrymose farewell speech, tears flooding down his face and literally tarnishing his winner’s medal, thinking regretfully of what might have been. Then again, perhaps his role in the plan was greater than it seemed. “We had to find the best solution to celebrate [him], and to involve all the supporters in this celebration,” Conte said. The idea that a club hero of such stature could only be suitably honoured by having a substitution dedicated to him can only have come from a genuine substitution-fancier. Though PO’JT, typically, later took all the credit. They say there is no I in team, but The Fiver notes there are loads in idiotic self-aggrandising substitution.
Near-simultaneously, and not that far away, Leroy Sané was peeling off his shirt at the end of Manchester City’s thrashing of hapless Watford and revealing that he is in possession of an extremely large tattoo of himself. Sané has dedicated his back to an image of his front, an effect he could have managed much more quickly, cheaply and painlessly simply by turning round. And not just any image of himself, either: one of him celebrating a goal scored in what turned into a humbling Big Cup defeat by Monaco. Sané just hasn’t thought this through: when he comes to achieve something he will find he has already used up the greatest canvas nature has given him, and will have to order his tattooist to attempt a miniature recreation on his elbow. Meanwhile, he has turned himself into a walking symbol of football’s rising and risible focus on the self. He will, in short, come to regret this, and not only because the phrase “say that to my face” will cause considerable confusion in the Sané household from now on.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I read on the internet that many English fans have doubts regarding the safety of visiting Russia. You have nothing to worry about. I will stand up personally for your protection. I promise to accompany you in Moscow and protect you from any problems. I can immediately contact the police, resolve the dispute on logical grounds, and even anticipate a conflict based on the emotions of people around me” – introducing AlanTim, the robot saviour of England fans at Russia 2018. The Fiver can’t see how this could possibly go wrong.
THE RECAP
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RECOMMENDED LISTENING
AC Jimbo is off watching muscly men, so Max Rushden is in the hot seat for the latest Football Weekly podcast. Listen now.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
The animated story of the Premier League season that was.
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FIVER LETTERS
“If Dollar really are twice as good as 50 Cent (Fiver letters passim), then it figures that Placido Domingo must be, according to today’s exchange rate, a full 26 times better than 50 Cent. Because, obviously, he’s a tenor” – Tony Crawford.
“Interesting that Friday’s Fiver opened with a picture of some cattle. Makes a change from the usual load of bullocks, or something like that” – Ed Taylor.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
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BITS AND BOBS
Arsenal majority shareholder Stan Kroenke has said his shares “are not, and never have been, for sale” which, in Russian, roughly translates as “Do one Alisher”.
Despite having plenty of recent history of being turned into a shambling mess by overseas owners, the Pompey Supporters’ Trust has voted in favour of selling up to former Disney chief suit Michael Eisner.
Outgoing Watford boss Walter Mazzarri thinks the 5-0 shellacking by City in his final game can still give his team some positives. “Three youngsters played and that is something Watford will have for the future,” he cheered. “These players had a dream come true, playing against one of the best teams in Europe, if not the world.”
Zinedine Zidane almost got animated after Real Madrid’s league title win, saying it was “professionally, the happiest day of my life” before praising his “[effing] fantastic” players, because he likes a good swear.
West Ham have located the button that automatically extends goalkeeper contracts until 2019 and Slaven Bilic has pressed it. “Adrián is out of contract but we have an option, and we activated that option,” he trilled. “He is our player and we are happy with him.”
Freiburg coach Christian Streich is feeling funky that the second half of their 4-1 defeat at Bayern – for which they had something to play for – was delayed by eight minutes so Anastacia could do some warbling. “Without being disrespectful to the artist, it’s a football stadium and it’s madness you have to wait as a team,” he fumed.
And Amiens defender Oualid El Hajjam revealed he was leaking salty tears of despair during their promotion-decider against Reims before a 96th-minute goal bumped his side up from sixth to second and into Ligue 1 for the first time. “I cried during the match, I had tears in my eyes, that’s how badly I wanted to win,” he sobbed. “We weren’t winning, and I almost gave up. But at the end, they became tears of joy.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Deep breath … the Premier League 2016-17 season review: our writers’ best and worst, right here.
Simon Burnton poured himself a pint of wine before offering his contenders for Premier League manager of the season, including Sam Allardyce and sizzling Sean Dyche.
Paul Doyle woefully overlooks Simone Zaza in his suggestions for Premier League player of the season.
Swansea City’s basketball game with Palace is on Barry Glendenning’s list of Premier League matches of the season – it also reminded The Fiver that Bob Bradley actually happened.
Go on, see if you can do something more original than adding a “What, no Emre Can?” comment to this Premier League gooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllll of the season contenders blog by Paul Doyle.
Barry Glendenning’s back with his suggestions for Premier League signing of the season, including a humble striker and gong-magnet N’Golo Kanté.
Look out, yelps Sid Lowe, Real Madrid have won the league and made it to the final of Big Cup with a coach who is only just getting going.
Hamburg’s famous clock keeps on ticking after their late Bundesliga escape, whoops Andy Brassell.
Blimey, Juventus are good, is the general gist of this blog by Paolo Bandini after the club’s sixth consecutive Serie A title.
Like Granny Fiver when she became great, PSG have lost their identity, write Adam White and Eric Devin.
Wade into these takes between Jamie Jackson and Tim Rolls over whether PO’JT’s guard of honour send-off was fair or farce.
Oh, and here are 10 talking points from the final day of the Premier League season because we really haven’t given you enough already, have we?
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