The following transcript is taken from the pitching meeting for ITV’s Gone to Pot. Present are three commissioning editors and a producer.
Editor one: So we’re here to discuss our new show, which promises to explore America’s ongoing marijuana legalisation and offer a balanced debate about whether or not the drug’s medicinal benefits can outweigh its apparent risks. Is that something you feel might interest you?
Producer: Definitely, I’ve always had quite strong opinions on ...
Editor two: Great! So did you see Gordon Ramsay on Cocaine the other night?
Producer: Sorry, no, I was…
Editor three: Great title.
Editor two: Great title.
Editor three: Nobody watched it, but 15,000 people made the exact same joke about the title on Twitter.
Producer: OK, so we want to do something quite different to ...
Editor one: Basically, we want more like it.
Producer: But you just said that nobody watched it.
Editor one: Doesn’t matter. This is ITV. If we have an idea, we have to ride it until the wheels come off. Remember when we just had one singing competition?
Editor two: We’ve got so many singing competitions now. So many.
Editor three: People literally hate the idea of singing as a concept these days, and it’s all because we’ve got so many singing competitions.
Producer: Riiight …
Editor one: Same with celebrity documentaries. Can’t get enough of them. Joanna Lumley’s Japan, Paul O’Grady’s For the Love of Dogs, Martin Clunes and his horses…
Editor three: Remember Stephen Tompkinson’s Australian Balloon Adventure? Christ, what were we thinking?
Editor one: So basically we want to do that with drugs now.
Editor two: We want loads of drug shows. Hundreds of them.
Producer: I thought this was a serious show about cannabis?
Editor one: You got it – it’ll be about marijuana, and it’ll be called Gone to Pot.
Editor three: Great title.
Editor two: Great title.
Producer: Well actually, I’m really interested in what’s going on in America right now, with the legalisation and everything. There are real scientific medical benefits to cannabis use. My aunt …
Editor one: Brilliant. We’ve got Pam St Clement lined up.
Producer: … is undergoing chemotherapy at the moment, and she’s … sorry, did you just say Pam St Clement?
Editor two: Pat Butcher, yes.
Editor one: And John Fashanu. And the blonde one out of Birds of a Feather.
Producer: What?!
Editor one: And Christopher Biggins.
Editor three: Biggins!
Producer: Sorry, but what do these people have to do with the medicinal benefits of cannabis consumption?
Editor two: Ummm ...
Producer: So what made you choose them?
Editor one: Have a look over in the corner of the room – it’s how we make all our decisions these days.
Producer: But ... that’s a tombola.
Editor two: Great tool.
Editor three: Great tool.
Producer: But can I still make the documentary I want to make? This is an important and timely debate that people deserve to take seriously.
Editor one: Of course!
Editor three: Shall we tell him about the bus?
Editor one: No.
Producer: What bus?
Editor one: There’s no bu …
Editor three: We’ve bought a bus for them to travel around in. We’ve painted it all trippy and everything.
Producer: I’m sorry, I’m not sure this is for me.
Editor one: Listen, that’s just a peripheral gimmick. You can still make the documentary you want to make.
Producer: Are you sure? I know this is ITV and all, but we still have a duty to be responsible about how we go about discussing …
Editor three: Do you think you can film Pat Butcher smoking a doobie?
Producer: Pardon?
Editor two: We’ve sort of promised that the series will include footage of Pat Butcher smoking a doobie in an ironic Bob Marley wig. The social media team are saying it’ll do serious numbers in GIFS.
Producer: No, listen, sorry, this whole venture is absurd. Good luck with the series, but I cannot be part of it.
Editor one: Wait, we have more ideas! Ben Shepherd on Steroids!
Editor two: Speedballs With Ed Balls!
Editor three: Whoever Came Third on Love Island on Glue! Wait! Come back!
Gone To Pot is on – yes, actually on, it made it onto the TV – at 9pm tonight on ITV
