A SLOW MONTH FOR NEWS
The new season’s still a couple of weeks away, so most of the Premier League’s biggest clubs are currently dotted around the globe extorting money from innocent foreigners by staging training sessions in large stadiums and insisting that they’re matches. Liverpool are currently grifting the entire federal state of Malaysia, and before Friday’s fitness workout, lame duck Brendan Rodgers has again refused to talk about the impending purchase of Christian Benteke, a transfer everyone knows is happening but one he claims to know bupkis about.
“I am only interested in talking about players that I currently have here,” insisted Rodgers on Wednesday, before showing no interest whatsoever in talking about the future of current Liverpool player Mario Balotelli. Throw them a bone, man! The locals are about to pay squillions of ringgits a head to watch your squad perform elaborate shuttle runs! The least you can do is say something vaguely interesting. In any case, you should make the most of the opportunity to talk long and loud while you can: there are probably only another 20 or 30 LFC press conferences between now and November, and we all know what’s going to happen in November.
Meanwhile, Manchester United are in the process of pulling off a similarly brazen hustle in the USA! USA!! USA!!!, passing off cardiovascular drills and dribbling practice as competitive football for cash dollars, in plain sight, with gullible rubes lapping it up. Louis van Gaal is also not of a mind to say anything of note. The United boss, who unlike his counterpart at Anfield is expected to last at least a couple of months into the new year, today refused to answer a single reasonable question about the possible transfer of Ángel Di María to PSG. Though instead of slamming down the shutters completely, he offered up a riddle, like a poor man’s Gyles Brandreth.
“I don’t know if I want to buy a striker. I have read in the media that a striker is the surprise. No, that I have not said. You are saying that, because my answer is like that. No, I mean something else.” A quote which is rather like one of those Magic Eye posters popular with jazz-fag-addled students in the 1990s, in that the more you stare at it, the less you see.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“A few of us went over to applaud the Frankfurt fans. I was going to shake their hands. Then their ultras jumped over the [advertising] boards and started attacking us. Some were wearing balaclavas and we were outnumbered” – Neil Slinn, a supporter of Nasty Leeds, explains what happened when trouble broke out after the team’s 2-1 friendly defeat to Eintracht Frankfurt in Austria.
FIVER LETTERS
“I know that you assume that we’ve all gone off on our holidays and that you can print what you like. But either you’ve mucked about with the photo on this video page, or Kobe is going home very disappointed” – Charles Antaki.
“Can I be the first to predict the headline when Manchester City defeat West Ham later this season? Sterling, Silva forge partnership to sink Gold’s Irons” – Jimmy O’Brien.
“Re: football references in rap (Fiver letters passim). ‘Score more ways than Luís Boa Morte.’ There. Consider the barrel well and truly scraped. DJ Blacksmith, wherever you are, hang your head in shame. Can we move on now?” – Stuart Robinson.
“The footballers’ names in rap lyrics game was good, but perhaps not arcane enough to place it at the pinnacle of the awful wordplay oeuvre. Please find below a relatable list of jazz standards with footballers’ names shoehorned in, compiled via SMS ping-pong over the course of a few days by me and my fellow music-school dropout, (previous Fiver letters contributor) Tom Price: Agua de Bebé; Ain’t Messibehavin’; All the Ings You Are; Cheyrou de Saudade; Come Reina Come Shine; Con Alba; Days of Weimann Roses; Don’t Get Around Much Any Moura; East of the Sun, West of Makoun; Gone with the Blind; Have You Met Phil Jones; I Can’t Get StArteta; I Faurlín Love Too Easily; I Götze Rhythm; I Hleb You; I Let Bassong Go Out of My Head; I Loves You, Origi; In a Bendtnermental Mood; If Eder I Would Leave You; Iniestadays; I’ve Got Love to Keep Me Vorm; Kuyt of Nowhere; My Favourite Frings; My Foolish Hart; My Funny ValenClyne; N’Zonzi-tive; On Green Delphin Street; Özil Livin’; Rattin Doll; Rangel* Eyes (*only works if watching American commentary); Ribéry Thought of You; ‘Round ZatKnight; Smoke Gets In Lloris; Softly, as in a Morning SunReus; SomeJuanfran To Watch Over Me; Streller By Starlight; The Very Fjortoft You; Willian Weep for Me; You Go To My Fred; Zenden the Clowns … Please START FOOTBALL so that we might occupy our time in less destructive ways” – Will Loach.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Will Loach.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
Russian FA suits have found no evidence that Emmanuel Frimpong was racially abused by Spartak Moscow fans before he was sent off for his reaction. Hmm … “The match inspector and the match delegate did not note that there had been any disciplinary violations by Spartak supporters towards Frimpong in the match reports,” parped Artur Grigoryants.
Meanwhile, officials at the Russian Premier League annual beauty contest have stripped Olga Kuzkova of her “Miss Charming” title after it emerged she had made a series of racist social media postings, including one showing her performing a Nazi salute while standing in front of a wall covered in Nazi graffiti. “We do not tolerate manifestations of fascism, nationalism and racism. It is unfortunate that it happened,” parped Sergei Cheban, the league’s executive director. “However, I beg people to understand the situation and the person. When we are young we all make mistakes, sometimes going the wrong way. Who is not without sin?”
West Ham have snapped up Argentinian midfielder Manuel Lanzini from UAE outfit Al Jazira. “He’s nicknamed ‘the jewel’,” cheered part of Gollivan.
Miguel Britos, who signed off from his time at Napoli by headbutting Juve’s Álvaro Morata, is now a Watford player, while the Hornets are also negotiating with Blackeye Rovers over a deal to buy Rudy Gestede.
The Gabonese government have denied claims that Leo Messi was paid £2.5m to visit the country and take part in a ceremony at one of the venues for the 2017 Africa Cup of Nations. “When I was in Barcelona a few years ago, I met Messi who had told me that he would come to visit me in Libreville,” trumpeted president Ali Bongo. “It’s a promise he made me. He is a man of honour who just kept his word.”
Fulfilling your needs for a tedious transfer saga are Chelsea, Everton and John Stones. “When a top club comes calling, who you know will be firing on all fronts with competitions and medals, that’s ultimately what you want to be playing for,” negotiated Gary Cahill.
Anderlecht defender Chancel Mbemba is set to join Aleksandar Mitrovic at Newcastle United. “This competition is a showcase. I think it’s mostly at home to Arsenal when I tabled my business card to English clubs,” he cheered.
And the Blackpool’s Supporters’ Trust say they’ve not had a response from the Oyston family over a £16m offer to buy the League One club. “This lack of response is disappointing but not in the least surprising,” said a spokesperson.
STILL WANT MORE?
Nick Ames takes a trip out to Rijnsburg for the Fifpro Tournament, where unemployed players hope to find a new club for the new season.
Meanwhile, Nick’s also paid a fond farewell to Cherno Samba, a talent fulfilled in the world of Championship Manager.
After three years on the very long road to recovery, former Derby skipper Shaun Barker sits down for a chin-wag with Nick Miller.
Football-supporting cricket umpires feature in this week’s Knowledge archive special.
Alan Smith looks at the team Mr Roy could cobble together under D1ckie Scudamore’s recommendation.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
SAY IT AIN’T SO, STATTO.COM
