There’s a certain satisfaction to be had from watching Theresa May struggle through prime minister’s questions, but little in the way of enlightenment. Jeremy Corbyn has finally wised up to the fact that all he needs to do to send the Maybot into a death-rattle is to ask her why the government is in such a mess over Brexit and now does so on a regular basis.
It’s not the toughest of gigs, as every week there’s any number of organisations – not to mention other countries – lining up to say that Brexit is a shambles, so there’s no shortage of material. But someone’s got to do it and after an indifferent start Corbyn is warming to the task.
“Yes we do have a plan,” insisted the Maybot, “and our plan is to get the best deal we can for this country.” It’s a running commentary on not giving a running commentary that’s wearing so thin not even she gives the appearance of believing it any more. She appears increasingly brittle and her putdowns lack charm and humour; it can’t be long before a few of her working parts come loose.
But then there’s little to be learned about the government’s Brexit strategy anywhere these days. Not even at the first meeting of the newly convened Brexit select committee. Despite being chaired by Hilary Benn, one of the most thoughtful and sensitive souls in Westminster, who runs proceedings with the avuncular geniality of a daytime gameshow host, the committee gives every impression of having been set up to fail. With 21 MPs, it is twice the size of any other committee and with half the members hardcore Brexiters and the other half equally dogmatic remainers, the battle lines have been clearly drawn in advance. Neither side is prepared to give an inch.
The first three unlucky contestants were Simon Fraser, the former top civil servant at the Foreign Office, Catherine Barnard, a professor of European law, and Hannah White from the Institute for Government, the organisation which only the day before had said the government’s Brexit planning was in a total mess. A point of view she was – ever so politely – happy to reiterate. “There may be a good plan,” she said, “but it’s not immediately obvious.”
Fraser nodded approvingly. Everything was absolutely terrible. There weren’t nearly enough civil servants as it was – God stand up for civil servants – and we’d need far more of them after we’d left the EU than we did now. What’s more, he added, many civil servants were feeling a bit down because they weren’t being remunerated well enough.
Barnard didn’t try to claim that lawyers weren’t also being paid enough, but she did suggest that Britain would need many more of her colleagues than were currently available. There would be lawyers for the pre-article 50 negotiations, lawyers for the post-article 50 negotiations, lawyers for the transitional, arrangements, lawyers for the post-transitional arrangements. Lawyers for everything. “It’s all much more complicated than anyone imagines,” she said, trying not to smile too widely.
This was all music to the ears of remain MPs, such as Seema Malhotra, Emma Reynolds and Pat McFadden, who fell over themselves to say how deeply they shared their pain. This was too much for Michael Gove. “There’s always a tendency to say we could do with more civil servants and lawyers,” he said, before cutting straight to the chase. “How about if we say we’ll take whatever hit is required just to get a quicky divorce? Could we leave the EU inside two years then?”
Fraser looked stunned. Hadn’t Gove listened to a word he had been saying? “Dear boy,” he said eventually, shaking his head more in sorrow than in anger. “You simply don’t understand. There would be so many grey areas.”
“I’m really not that bovvered,” said Eurosceptic Karl McCartney. “Why don’t we just have done with it and leave the EU inside six months?” In McCartney World, negotiations are done unilaterally and the EU can like it or lump it.
This time it was Barnard’s turn to have a touch of the vapours. “It took three years for Greenland to leave the EU,” she said, once Benn had revived her with smelling salts. “And all they had to talk about was fish.”
“Thank you all for coming,” Benn said in summing up. “It’s been a very useful session.” A statement that only made everyone more confused.
