UNLUCKY 13
Of the 32 teams who took part in the 2018 men’s World Cup in Russia, only three scored as many as 13 goals in the entire tournament. The two finalists, Croatia and France, scored 14 each, while third-placed Belgium scored 16 – and they all played seven matches. After one game in the Women’s World Cup USA! USA!! USA!!! have scored 13!
Only six teams in Russia had more shots on target in the entire tournament than USA! USA!! USA!!! had against Thailand on Tuesday. Only half of the 32 teams had as many shots – off target, on target, whatever – as the 39 the USA! USA!! USA!!! took. Five teams left Russia having won fewer corners in their three group games put together than the 10 USA! USA!! USA!!! won (Thailand’s two shots were however two more than Saudi Arabia managed in their 5-0 thumping by the hosts last year, so that’s something).
There have been thrashings before in major competitions, but this was a performance that left all other shellackings lacking. And after her team had been royally thumped 13-0 Thai coach, Nuengruethai Sathongwien, told the media that “we accept that they are better”, as if there were perhaps still a few people in doubt.
Some declared that the margin of victory proved the Women’s World Cup to be in some way substandard or unworthy as a competition, rather than one in the relatively early stages of its development and with teams attempting to overcome huge disparities in funding and facilities as well as the amount of time they are able to dedicate to training, which was also true of the men’s event a few decades back when South Korea, Zaire and El Salvador all experienced the wrong end of a nine-goal margin of victory, and it seems to have worked out OK for the blokes.
But what it did prove is that USA! USA!! USA!!! have a desire for success which is perhaps a little excessive. A desire not just to beat opponents, to demonstrate their superiority, bank the available points and move on, but to leave them broken and weeping. A five-goal winning margin tells the world that one team is much better than another; a 13-goal winning margin tells the world that one team is so desperate to prove the extent of their superiority that they will cast aside such generally positive human traits as empathy and humility.
“To be respectful to opponents is to play hard against them,” said USA! USA!! USA!!! coach Jill Ellis. “A lot of this is about building momentum and so as a coach I don’t find it my job to rein my players in. When you get a deluge of goals like that, it’s a good feeling. It builds confidence.” The 2015 champions have proved themselves to be a great team, and also a hard one. Their performance will surely cast fear into their future opponents. And also, perhaps, some of their family members.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Altrincham FC wish to announce that, unfortunately, it has been necessary to cancel the proposed Q&A event featuring Fifa referee Anthony Taylor … as with any function organised to raise valuable funds for the club, it has to be financially viable. In this particular instance, due to ticket sales falling short of expectations, it would not have proved the case” – turns out hot whistle-blowing chat is not high on the Friday night fun agenda in Greater Manchester.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: The Fiver’s predictions in the Women’s World Cup: Chile 0-2 Sweden, actual result: Chile 0 Sweden 2. USA! USA!! USA!!! 3-0 Thailand, actual result USA! USA!! USA!!! (1)3-0 Thailand. Absolutely uncanny and one in the eye for all those Fiver naysayers who laugh at all the failed predictions and don’t laugh at all the failed jokes. Me included” – Robert Darby (and others).
“If Robert Newman struggled to find footage online of the D!cks/Schmeichel penalty, imagine my surprise when I tried to find footage of a ferocious tackle the same West Ham hardman made on Eric Cantona. Googling ‘Cantona D!cks Challenge’ gives you rather surprising results if you haven’t been on social media for a while ...” – James Maltby.
“Typical bloody FAI—they can’t even get the age-old tactic of parking the bus right! Instead, they turn a humdrum journey across Dublin into the Father Ted episode called Speed 3, where the bus can’t go faster than 20 mph. As Dougal nearly stated at the end of said episode: ‘Those FAI administrators are always in the nip!’ And sometime soon, a brick will hit Mick McCarthy in the head (but to no avail)“ – Justin Kavanagh.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Justin Kavanagh.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Former Southampton junior football coach Bob Higgins has been jailed for 24 years and three months for sexually abusing 24 schoolboy players over a 25-year period.
Tottenham want midfielder Tanguy Ndombélé but – in a shock twist – Lyon value him at £66.6m while Daniel Levy reckons a bag of balls and a few training cones is closer to the mark.
Real Madrid legend Jonathan Woodgate is set to succeed Tony Pulis as Middlesbrough manager with Robbie Keane – who was a childhood fan of the club – understood to be under consideration to be his deputy.
Matthijs de Ligt’s future in club football is in doubt after it was revealed he is considering a £340,000 a week five-year deal at PSG.
Ryan Fraser says Scotland may as well have been sitting cross-legged looking at a blackboard during their 3-0 Euro 2020 qualifying defeat to Belgium. “We did get shown a footballing lesson, I am not going to lie,” he whimpered.
Ryan Giggs says it is not Gareth Bale’s fault Wales’s Euro 2020 qualification hopes are in doubt after the 1-0 defeat to Slovakia but Real Madrid’s. “Asking Gareth to play two games in a short space of time after not playing for six weeks. We are asking players to perform miracles really,” he parped.
And without mentioning Sadio Mané by name, England’s Fran Kirby fears cynical players and managers will be tempted to exploit new handball rules to win penalties.
STILL WANT MORE?
Marina Hyde on the Women’s World Cup, with help from Mr Stop Shoving It Down My Throat, Mr I’m Being Branded Sexist and Mr Stop Telling Me It’s Massive When It’s Really Not.
In this week’s Knowledge: is Curaçao beating India 3-1 the biggest David v Goliath victory in terms of populations? TLDR: yes.
Is there a female Kylian Mbappé waiting to be discovered in Paris? Megan Clement dons a sheepskin coat and goes scouting.
Turns out men’s football is still going: here are some talking points.
And the words “gruelling” and “philosophy” have never been used in a headline relating to Phil Neville … until now.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
