FITBA’S COMING HOME
With more than 52,000 tickets reported to have been sold for what most present will be hoping turns into a re-enactment of the Battle of Bannockburn at Queen’s Celtic Park this evening, it would take a knave to dismiss the fixture as a meaningless international friendly. Despite seeing his men sustain no end of cuts and bruises in their violent war of attrition against the invading Irish last Friday, the leader of the Scottish forces has reported that he may have to shelve plans to rest many of the warrior poets who fought so valiantly in victory against the Clan O’Neill, such is their enthusiasm for being pitched into battle against Sir Roy of England and his formidable English army.
“I had an idea a couple of days ago but the players that played the other night keep banging on that they are fit enough to play again,” said Jacobite leader Wee Gordon, as he daubed his face a patriotic shade of Pantone 279 with some woad. “They’re dropping hints everywhere I go. From training today, nobody wanted to be rested, that’s for sure. We’re only human. This is a competitive game – even if there are no points available.”
Ahead of his army’s first invasion north of the border for 15 years, English general Sir Roy (“I don’t expect it to be an unnecessarily physical game”) and his regimental adjutant Captain Wazza (“It will be a football game … there’ll be an edge”) attempted to pour cold water all over the Fiver’s laboured Jacobean analogy, so we were heartened to learn that the latter has warned the younger squaddies in the English ranks that the natives who turn who up to cheer their army can create quite a din. “It will be quite intimidating if you’re not used to it, so I wanted to make sure they’re ready for it to get them settled,” he said of the advice he’s passed on to trembling cadets Sterling, Barkley and Berahino.
Away from the field of battle, the Scottish polis are preparing to combat faction fights between Scottish and English sympathisers in Glasgow’s east end. “We’ve intelligence to suggest there will be some pre-planned disorder,” said chief superintendent Andy Bates. “We have to be on top of our game to be sure it doesn’t become a problem. We have intelligence that both sides will be involved in this. There will be an increase in the numbers of officers deployed to this game. The whole purpose of this is to disrupt any hooligan activity.”
Having failed to deal with the scenes of sickening football violence that constituted Scotland’s win over the Republic O’Ireland on Friday night, all polis leave has been cancelled in Glasgow and extra back-up has been drafted in from Dundee and Edinburgh. The message to tooled-up hooligans is clear: “Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live … at least a while.”
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Barry Glendenning from 7.45pm GMT for MBM coverage of Scotland 2-1 England.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s the strangest decision I’ve ever seen in football, it’s totally absurd. The world is laughing at us and at the referee” – Rolando Peña, director of football at Honduran first division outfit Marathon, has the right funk on – and with good reason – after his goalkeeper was sent off for innocuously patting an opponent on the backside in the home game against Real Sociedad, prompting protests, an abandonment and, now, three points being awarded to the visitors.
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A BIGGER PLUG THAN THE ONE FROM THE BFG’S BATH
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FIVER LETTERS
“So Ofcom is launching an investigation into how the Premier League sells its TV media rights. I think I can save everyone a lot of time and money. The answer is: expensively” – Marten Allen.
“Janet Szkot’s letter (yesterday’s Fiver letters) reminded of me of the circumstances in which my family watched England’s 5-1 defeat of Germany in 2001. We were on holiday, and watched the game in a tiny Scottish fishing village’s tiny, but packed pub. Clearly the entire village had turned out in expectation of an England thrashing – Germany’s opener brought raucous cheers, but England’s subsequent dominance steadily brought the regulars to complete and deafening silence. The barman responded to Mickey Owen’s hat-trick goal by refusing to serve us, and by the time Mr Em wrapped it up, a wall had been punched and we were hightailing it down the road. Not since the emancipation of the slaves can ABE have enjoyed such devotional support” – Ollie Forrest.
“The 1,057 pedants must have gone absolutely ballistic reading that for the ‘prizeless letter o’the day’, Alan Cormack (Friday’s Fiver letters) bagged himself a copy of Football Manager [move along, still nothing to see here – Fiver Ethics Committee Ed]. I imagine the rage was on a par with when Ian Holloway found out he was being fined for fielding a weakened Blackpool team against Aston Villa. Or when Ian Holloway complained that he was getting ‘bo-diddly-squat’ every week from the officials after Carlos Tevez scored an offside goal against Blackpool in 2010. Or when Ian Holloway raged at football authorities for the Bosman ruling when he thought Rooney was going to leave Manchester United for free after his contract expired. You get my point” – Rob Speak (and one other).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Ollie Forrest, who wins a copy of Football Manager 2015, courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got more copies to give away this month, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
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BITS AND BOBS
Euro 2016 organisers have unveiled their mascot for the tournament in France: a caped CBeebies knock-off if ever we saw one.
Hot contract news for Arsenal fans! Arsène Wenger says knack-addict Abou Diaby could be in line for a new deal. Oh. “If he comes back, I will keep him,” cheered Wenger. “I always believed in him. In football, the most important thing is health.”
Manchester United have announced a 10% drop in first-quarter revenues. And we’re boring ourselves just typing this.
Lionel Messi has hinted that he could consider leaving Barcelona when his contract ends. “After that we’ll see,” he teased. “Things can change a lot in soccer … sometimes things do not work out the way you would like. If it was up to me I would stay forever.”
Bayern Munich’s Philipp Lahm has suffered ankle-snap in training and faces around three months out.
And look who’s popped up back in work and with a reported £52m budget as his disposal … “For sure there will be some new faces, new players for next season,” whooped Sven-Goran Eriksson, new manager of Shanghai East Asia.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Argentina’s UK tour plays its latest date at Old Trafford tonight, where it’s due to be Messi v Him.
STILL WANT MORE?
Weird Uncle Fiver has potentially been unmasked as a Spurs fan, if this YouGov profile of average Premier League club fans is to be be believed.
How modern football has made the fox in the box an endangered species. By Amy Lawrence.
Meet the footballer who plays with a heart defibrillator, courtesy of Philip Oltermann.
Safet Susic went from hero to zero at the helm of Bosnia-Herzegovina. Sasa Ibrulj describes the manager’s downfall.
This week’s Gallery stars Alex Salmond and and an ill-thought-through half-and-half scarf among your depictions of Scotland v England.
Meanwhile, show how much you know about the Auld Rivalry by getting 10 out of 10 in our quiz.
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