TANGO AND THRASH?
It’s Brazil v Argentina later on Thursday, reader. We know this because we’ve just got off the phone with our bloody steak-eating, bandoneon-squeezing, gaucho cape-wearing Argentinian cousin, El Diego Cinco, and he was even more emotional than usual. And no, not because it clashes with his tango class but because it’s Argentina’s turn to flirt with the notion of not qualifying for the World Cup. Not only that but the match takes place at a cherished venue for all Argentinians, Belo Horizonte, where former Brazil manager Diminished Phil accidentally fielded 10 primary school children and Fred in that semi-final and wasn’t so much handed his backside on a plate by Germany, as forced to chew on it over and over and over again, plate and all. Yes, we know, Argentina took no part in the public beat-down but that didn’t stop them loving Belo Horizonte like they love Buenos Aires.
And so it is that head coach and Mario villain Edgardo Bauza takes his side to the city for a match which will be Brazil’s first there since that fine fiasco. And El Diego Cinco is worried. The main reason being that Brazil look good and Argentina don’t and he fears an explosive footballing wedgie from a table-topping, highly-motivated Brazil side who are winning matches with a dash of Jaunty Bonito, which actually translates as Jaunty Beautiful but it’s written now and Fiver Sub won’t even get past the first par so there it will stay. Anyway, Argentina’s dodgy displays are largely down to the fact that they have stopped scoring goals. And then there’s Lionel Messi who, while being back in the fold after his recent knack, appears to be more focused on stockpiling mind-boggling tattoos than his national side’s current predicament. His latest is a self-congratulatory sock that couldn’t look any worse if it was inked on to a slice of back bacon and stapled on to his lips.
But we digress. Brazil have a fine team and wounds to heal, not that coach Tite is viewing the match as just a convenient chance to exercise a bit of cathartic pain transferal. “The fact that Argentina is outside the classification zone is not a motivation for us, that would be small thinking,” he bigger-pictured. “I think of the show, that we have to make a great match and that we can win. But not that this creates a bad situation for the other, that is to think small.” It’s a concept beyond The Fiver’s comprehension, what with our mind being narrower than a Norfolk canal boat.
With sixth-placed Argentina facing Brazil, fourth-placed Colombia and fifth-placed Chile in succession, their qualification wobble could become a headlong swallow dive off a cliff unless they pull their finger out. So in comes Sergio Agüero, right? Ah. “I opted for [Ángel] Di María and Enzo Pérez because I believe they will be able to keep up the physical side,” Bauza beamed when asked about his decision to leave the Manchester City striker to contemplate picking splinters out of his tail. “Enzo Pérez played in this position for two years in the selection, because it is there that he began to play. More than anything, we are thinking of the rival.” El Diego Cinco is thinking of the rival too. He’s thinking that 200 million giddy Brazilians could fire a nuclear helping of opprobrium his nation’s way in the morning unless Argentina start to look like they give a flying one about picking up some souvenirs from Russia in 2018. The Fiver’s favourite currency is humiliation, so we’ll be staying up for this one, with popcorn, Tin and El Diego Cinco’s mobile number at hand. Enjoy.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Luis Miguel Echegaray from 11.45pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of Brazil 2-2 Argentina.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I think it needs tweaking, possibly the style of play at times, sometimes we might need to flip the page a bit. I’ve had other offers but it’s an interesting project I’ve had a close eye on for four years since I started loaning players to this club … It was a club who developed a lot of Tottenham players who have gone on to big-money moves, Ryan Mason and Alex Pritchard” – Tactics Tim never fails to talk up his previous work, and doesn’t disappoint in his unveiling as Swindon Town’s director of football. Which also means … this.
FIVER LETTERS
“In the true spirit of jumping on the latest bandwagon, I was wondering what The Donald’s favourite English team may be? Since he aspired to soar like an eagle I assume he is a Palace fan. There, ball-rolling started” – Jeremy Foxon.
“Re: Pim van Baarsen pointing out that favourite energy drink provider being Austrian (yesterday’s Fiver letters). May I be the first of the 1,057 pedants to point out that Monday’s Fiver mentioned everyone’s favourite energy drink promoter, which in this context is indeed German, not provider? How I feel about remembering particular details from The Fiver up to 24 hours after wasting my time reading it is an unrelated matter” – Diego García (and no others).
“I was going to point out Pim’s mistake, but then I had a change of heart – what’s the point of going on the internet if all you’re going to do is be pedantic?” – Ed Taylor.
“In your endeavours to make The Fiver great again (yesterday’s Fiver) and move away from the boring, repetitive trend of correspondence that has infiltrated The Fiver, I wish to announce that, having put it off for a while, I decided to cut my nails last night” – Raymond Reardon.
“Make The Fiver great again? Was it ever? If so, when?” – Nigel Assam (and 1,056 others).
“I thought I was inured to the effect of your daily email. But you did it. You managed to make The Fiver grate again. Congratulations” – Evan Jones.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is Evan Jones, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers, and it’s out now! We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join AC Jimbo and co for the latest thrilling instalment of Football Weekly Extra. And Producer Ben tells us there are a handful of tickets available for the London Palladium live show on 15 November.
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BITS AND BOBS
Sergio Agüero isn’t joining Real Madrid. “I’m very happy at [Manchester] City, especially with Pep [Guardiola],” he honked. “I hope to finish my contract then return to Independiente.”
Gareth Southgate has continued his radical top-down breath-of-fresh-air England overhaul by naming Wayne Rooney captain for the Scotland game.
The FA, meanwhile, says its case for telling Fifa to do one over the wearing of poppy armbands is “rock solid” with a “legal and moral” justification, etc and so on.
DRAIN THE SWAMP! DRAIN THE SWAMP!! DRAIN THE SWAMP!!! keeper Tim Howard says fans should keep a lid on it during Friday’s friendly with Mexico in Ohio. “It’s politics and this is football,” he trilled. “Mexico is going to try to kick our asses and we’re going to try to kick theirs.”
Diego Costa is out of Spain’s games against Macedonia and England with groin-twang, while Swansea say hand-break doesn’t bother Jefferson Montero: “He’ll play and train in a plaster-cast.”
Lord Ferg says he only ever gave full hairdryer treatment to players who asked for it. “There was a lot of myth about it,” he hairdryered. “It happened about half a dozen times in 27 years. If a player answered me back, I headed towards them. That was my problem. But I never ruled by fear.”
And Brentford have a new badge featuring a bee with four legs doing a wasp impression. “The simple, clean bee design will help us become more recognisable as a club,” buzzed a suit. “This is not revolution, it’s part of the club’s evolution.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Quiz! This week: how much do you know about muted celebrations?
English club football has never quite been the same since a momentous 1996, reckons Paul Wilson.
Seven weeks until the transfer window slams open – so not long now before these top Championship talents start feeling flattered about being linked with Sunderland.
Ramsey’s return, Yiadom’s controversial Ghana inclusion and Falcao’s fairytale: it’s 10 World Cup qualifying things to look out for.
In these troubled times, what could be more soothing than Classic YouTube’s Barry Davies collection?
The Rumour Mill reckons there’s a tough call coming up for Mamadou Sakho. West Brom or Nice? West Brom or Nice? What’s it to be?
How did the diminutive Mapfre Stadium in Columbus become a version of the Azteca? Luis Miguel Echegaray explains.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
